As I sit here enjoying one of my favorite Christmas presents...the XL box of Milk Duds from sis, a few things occur to me about this wonderful time of year. I will share them with you now.

First, Milk Duds really are best enjoyed in private. Who needs an audience when you are prying the delicious caramel chocolaty goodness off your back teeth and gums?

Second, being sick on Christmas has its advantages. You get to hang out, collect your gifts, observe enough shit to gossip about later and then spend the rest of the day in bed listening to your new audio book in peace.

and last if you give your kid a gift card to a store he doesn't like, he will sell it for 50 cents on the dollar to get a couple of burgers and a milk shake. Next year just get him the fast food gift certificates and be done with.

Life is about learning. I hope you walk away with something useful here today.

Merry Merry

Here's a little quiz for you all.  I am printing it out as a game for my get together tonight.  I will post the answers when I get around to it.

1.       Including Rudolph, how many reindeer pull Santa's sleigh

2.       According to the Christmas song, who had "a jolly happy soul"

3.       Bing Crosby told us that he would be where for Christmas?

4.       Who wrote the following words?
    "It was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge"

5.       Plus or minus one year, how long does it take a Scotch Pine Christmas tree to reach a typical retail height of 6 to 7 feet ?

6.       What was the first thing that Scrooge purchased after his change of heart?

7.       In the familiar carol, what line follows ?God rest ye merry Gentlemen??

8.       What line follows ?Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house??

9.       In the familiar song The 12 Days of Christmas, what is the gift on the fourth day?

10.   In which celebrated film does James Stewart attempt suicide one Christmas?

11.   Which was the first ghost to visit ebeneezer scooge?

12.   In the film 'Die Hard 2', which airport did the terrorist take over on Christmas Eve?

13.   Who stole Christmas from the town of Hooville?

14.   Which Christmas treat was first used to keep noisy children quiet during the church service ?

15.   How many gifts would you receive if you received all of the gifts in the song "The Twelve Days of Christmas?

16.   What is the name of the popular red Christmas flower?

17.  In the song "I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus", where was Mommy when she was kissing Santa Claus

18.  What is the name of the holiday celebrated in England and other Commonwealth countries every December 26th?

19.  Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was created as a promotion for what department store?

20.  What was the name of the magician with the magic hat in the 1969 TV special "Frosty the Snowman"?

 

Merry Christmas To All and To All a Good Night.

 

Ho Ho Ho and a Bottle of Nyquil.

My little bastard son gave me a cold. I am a whiny miserable sick person and just want to be left alone. However, seeing I am having a party for a dozen or so people Christmas Eve, I guess that isn't a possibility.  So I am trying to get through the next day and a half in my office without killing someone and then suffer through the holidays with my family without killing someone.  The familar is so comforting.


I had to interrupt this entry to talk to an employee that knocked and asked if I had a second. This is never good.

The bitch just told me she misses her newborn and has decided to become a SAHM for a while. "It is better for the kid's well being" blah blah blah. Yeah, but what about ME? Now I have to find someone and have her trained right around the holidays. Inconsiderate piece of pond scum. Always worried what is best for the children. Like they remember who it is that wipes the shit off their ass at this age anyway.

So now I am sick, miserable and have to sort through two hundred resumes from under qualified people claiming great customer satisfaction (hooker) or wonderful communication skills (Phone sex worker).

I am not exaggerating about the amount of applications I will receive. It is sad in the sunshine state. Unemployment is greater than 12% and I will receive resumes from people with MBAs and PHDs but desperate for anything at this point.

As a business person, I won't even consider anyone like that because the reality is, the entire time they are working answering the telephone, they are going to be seeking something better. I can't blame them but I can't afford the staff flip every three to six months either.

I am going to blow my nose now. What, too much information? I didn't describe it or anything...

I usually confine my comments about work to bitching about my employees. I tend to not talk about the customers as I like my job and getting sued isn't conducive to job security.


My customers are more precisely known as patients. Which is kind of ironic because most tend to have none of that particular quality. Cranky injured people have the right to be bitchy and since I personally don't have to deal with their whiney asses, I don't give a shit. Besides, people in pain may be short tempered but are normally grateful for the help and are seldom just plain nasty.

However, the folks that do bring sharpened tongues, and occasionally sharpened knives, to their appointments are the drug seekers.

This charming group of folks will lie, manipulate and steal to get their drug of choice and if you happen to be between them and their goal, you will be run over like the dog they think you are. I am fortunate enough not to have to deal with these people directly very often. When I do, it has usually gotten to the point where the city's men in blue have to be called in to taser the fuckers and drag them across my nice Italian tile floor kicking and screaming.

Since we are all not cruel and evil bastards and my practitioners have taken that pesky little Hippocratic Oath, we do provide drugs for pain relief when warranted. However, they are carefully monitored and patients on long term drug therapy have to sign a contract agreeing to be drug tested and take the medication as prescribed. This has led to its own little problems and hilarious situations. I have decided to share a few of the more ingenious excuses and plots with you kids in the coming days.


I will start with Mrs. Olnrickedy. Mrs. O looks like a typical grandma that you would expect to see mixing up a batch of oatmeal raisin cookies for the kiddies. But looks can be deceiving. She came to us severely addicted to Percodan. She was easy to spot as are most patients that come in stating they just happen to be allergic to every non narcotic pain reliever known to man and can ONLY be helped by -------- (Inserts drug of choice here). The deal with Mrs O that makes us all sympathize is that she really does have a very painful chronic condition. Although you want to be able to give the patient some help, the more opiates she takes, the less they seem to work for her. So she resorts to using tricks in order to get the extra she "needs".
I have to hand it to Mrs. O that she was pretty clever and she really let the grandma look work for her for an awfully long time. However, they all get caught eventually. It is just a matter of time. It appears Mrs O had gone to kinkos with one of our prescriptions. She whited out the date and made a few dozen copies. She would carefully go over the writing with ink so it looked new and date the script with the same pen. She also, and this is most important, paid cash for her drugs at different pharmacies. This is the detail that most drug abusers miss. Even if you go to a different pharmacy, if insurance is playing the bill, they are going to question why Dr. Feelgood is prescribing 200 oxycontin per month. But Mrs O didn't take the chance. She was smart...but not quite smart enough. What she didn't realize is that pharmacies often send faxes to offices requesting refills when a patient requests one but have none left. Apparently she was calling around her usual pharmacies trying to gather up her drugs like a little squirrel for the holidays and two pharmacists faxed over requests the same day. Two or three phone calls later, a few copies of prescriptions and an embarrassed Mrs O on the phone and her little game was over.

I strongly suspect she will be spending this Christmas in rehab.

Have a great week kids.

Thursday's Friday Link of the Week

So, I am a day or so early.  Sue me.  I've got tons of shit to do and didn't want to neglect the kewl kid's table as I am sure none of you can sleep in anticipation of what link I will post each week.

Today I have two. 

First, something for the kiddies.  Email Santa, track his progress, play games, find out if the brats are on the naughty or nice list but most of all it will keep them the hell away from you so you can finally wrap some gifts in peace.

Second, if you are in the same Bah Humbug mood as I.  Click here and shoot Santa over a cliff.  It is really quite a good stress reliever! 

I wish they would make one for ex-boyfriends.

Now that the company luncheon is over it is time to prepare for our drunken bash on Saturday night.  For the record, I hate this one too but it is a lot easier to disappear when you aren't confined to a conference room not to mention there are no fights over who gets stuck sitting by Stinky MacStinkass.  We can just lead her to a corner surrounded by her PigPen fog that can act as a warning to all.

My date this year is Number One Son.  You may be wondering why I won't be including SCM.  If you are wondering, you haven't been reading my laments very long.  I will fucked him, bring him coffee and take his money but I am damn sure not taking him out in public.  He and I don't do well outside of the house.  I admit, my expectations of his behavior are far too high.  I mean who am I to request he not hog the microphone during karaoke, tell inappropriate jokes or grab my ass in front of my employees. 

I am so freakin' inflexible.

My son works in my office on occasion acting as my bitch.  Most recently moving people around and putting together desk to accommodate Smellslikeass's need for a closet office of her own.  The gang likes him and has invited him to hang out with them at the party.  If nothing else, I have a designated driver although I suspect it might work out the other way around.

Tonight is the Princess' Christmas Program.  I can call it Christmas because she is in a catholic school so no PC holiday titles required.  I got to thinking about how much I used to like my Christmas programs at school.  It was so exciting being in the classroom at night with our pretty new clothes, games and the teachers acting like real people.  The glitter of the decorated gymnasium and the butterflies before we went on.  Scanning the audience for Mom and Dad and being so excited to finally locate them.  All the parents gathered around to pick up the kids when the show was over.

I hope the Princess's memories are just as nice when she gets to be an old cranky bitch like me.

Merry Christmas Muther Fu...

Today is the company's annual Christmas luncheon.  So obviously I am sitting in my office with the door closed, blogging.  I plan to continue this behavior until the last possible moment when I can walk in, slap a piece of ham on my plate along with some other casserole looking mush and a crusty deviled egg or two.

I brought the ham so I know it is safe for consumption, the rest will end up casually tossed away.  I've seen many of these people's homes.  If it ain't store bought in factory sealing, I ain't goin' near it.

Shudder.

What freaks me out is most staff actually enjoy these little get togethers.  True I allow them a longer lunch and pay them for it but geez, they have to hang out with the folks then spend the other 364 days a year bitching about. 

So I will go in, collect my cheap secret santa gift of CVS candles or last year's regifted body lotion, smile and laugh in fake delight and merriment.

All the while thinking...

Bah Humbug fuckers.

So Much To Do, So Little Time

Geez, am I behind in life or what? I haven’t sent out a Christmas card, made a cookie or wrapped a present. I wouldn’t have any lights on my house if SCM hadn’t been ambitious and skilled at ladder balancing on rain soaked soil and begonias.


However, I have almost completed my shopping. This is no great feat as I am a shopaholic and buying things for people year round is a hobby of mine. I just have to slap a bow upon them and voila, greetings of the season.

I did get some bad news recently. A mass was discovered on my kidney several months ago which required test upon test upon test. I was hoping it could be removed laproscopically but that is not to be. In order to remove the mass, they need to take my entire kidney. I am honored that I have been offered so many vital organs that I could sell kidneys on ebay and pay for the surgery twice over. A good friend allows you to bitch about your BF being an asshole. A great friend offers to have a huge scar across their back for the rest of their life. Fortunately, I explained that my other kidney is fine and I probably won’t be taking them up on their offer. How do you properly thank someone for something like that though?  A fruit basket doesn't quite cut it.
In an effort to further procrastinate I am going to get a third opinion. Yes, I am in denial but I was so hoping that the surgery would be an easy one and removing the entire fucker is a lot more complicated and takes a huge recovery period. The good news is I will get to blog more. The bad news is I will be bored and have nothing to say.

I am really not looking for sympathy and have been telling people who say they are “praying for me” to pick something a little more worthy to spend their G-d merits. Whatever happens I am not going to be letting a surgeon near me with a sharp object until next year. He’ll just have to pay for his kid's Zhu Zhu pets without my help.

Off to wrap. Or nap. Decisions decisions.

Friday Already?

I am far to stressed out to write about my stressed outness.

I will leave you with my Friday link of the week, Peeve pile.  I'll let others do the bitching for me today.

Have a great weekend kiddos.

Mama Mia

I really enjoy ragging on the crazy, unique, wonderful, psychopath I call Mother.

However, tonight I have a story with Mother participating where she was actually not the cause of the anger, misunderstandings and intense bowel cramping.

Mother and my brother's wife are having a disagreement.

No, that isn't right.

They aren't communicating their pissed off attitude towards each other, rather they are sickening sweet as usual.

No, each is griping about the other to the rest of the family...

and friends, neighbors and the UPS guy.

My sister in law is accusing Mother of spoiling her step son, Mother's grandson. Now I haven't read every page of the Grandparent's Handbook but I am pretty sure spoiling of the grandkids is allowed if not mandatory.

SIL is ticked because the last time her son needed a haircut, Mother bribed him with a video game.  Now my nephew is refusing to go with his step mother to get a haircut but is waiting until Grandma can take him so he can score some more loot..

I am so damn proud that he is learning the fine art of manipulation at a young age, a skill that will benefit him greatly in later life. That's my boy!  But I digress...

Instead of my SIL telling the little shit to get in the G-d Damn car because they are going to Hair Cuttery, she is blaming Mother for the fact that she is too much of a wimp to parent.

It is so confusing actually taking Mother's side in a disagreement.  I need to hang out with the woman for a day so she can do something fucked up and right my world.

I can't stand it anymore!!!!

Everywhere I look there is someone posting about the Tiger Woods saga.

People, get a fucking LIFE!!  Who the hell cares if they are having trouble?  If she is getting her ass beat or beating his ass with his nine iron, why is it such a concern to you?

This "incident" occurred in my area so it is TIGER this and TIGER that 24/7 on the news.  The only reason we are getting inundated with this shit is because his troubles sell commericals.  If people didn't give a shit and switch off the TV, I might be able to get the actually news about great sales on Prada at the local outlet.

Priorities People!!!

I hate to be a wimp, but it is freakin' COLD in Florida tonight. I know many of you are suffering with freezing temperatures but 45 degrees and rainy has me in three shirts and two pairs of socks. If I could type wearing mittens, I would have those on too.

I knew I should have bought that electric blanket when I saw it on black friday. Who would have thunk it?

I COULD turn the heat on but it would be the first time this season and it will set the smoke alarms off.

Don't ask.


SCM is lucky he is out playing because he wouldn't be getting any on this night. As a matter of fact, he may have to go back to his own room across the house as I refuse to have cold feet anywhere within three feet of me tonight.
During the princesses skating lesson today I couldn't even go into the rink area without shivering uncontrollable and the dogs are pissing all over the house because they refuse to put their paws on the cold wet grass.  (Anyone know where I can get four pairs of tiny little boots?)
Yeah...we Florida residents are wimpy.
Why don't I hear the sympathy I so rightly deserve from out there in cyberland???

 HUMPH.

Before I link my website of the week I will offer my favorite comment from yesterday...

Anonymous said...



So you are dating a guy and fucking your "ex"husband. What a fucking little whore you are.


12/3/09 10:37 PM

Wait until next week when I share my escapades with the gentlemen I have met on the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist.  There doesn't seem to be enough of sexy me to go around...  Sigh. 

Although I wouldn't particulary mind if Anonymous's senario were true, unfortunately, the guy I was seeing dumped my ass when I sent a text message to him that wasn't exactly meant for him.  Never got around to doin' the wild thing or he probably wouldn't have been so fast to give me the boot.

Okay, he probably would but I will allow myself to continue to think highly of my expertise in that area.

Some guys are so damn picky about that being in love with someone else shit. 

So to clarify, SCM and I are back together and working it out.  Or trying too.  We've been here before but I am nothing if not feebleminded optimistic.

In any case, my fun site of the week is  Retail Hell Underground.  During this shopping season, lets take some pity on the people that work in customer service that have to deal with our stressed out asses.

Have a great weekend.

Wow.

For the last couple of weeks, I have been spending my days at work and my nights under SCM.

Well, that isn't exactly true.  My nights have been under, on top, facing, not facing, upside down, standing, sitting on a chair, leaning on the bathroom counter, oh and there was this one time....

Nevermind...

Ever since the guy I am married to had his heart seize up, he really has been like a changed person.  Personally, it has been quite a shock and I've been waiting for the normal John to return and explode that the world is crumbling around us and it is the fault of Hollywood ,the Arabs and the old man down the street who doesn't water his lawn enough.

  Of course he is consuming hand fulls of pills for everything from cholesterol to mood stabilizers but hey, better living through chemistry looks great on him.

SCM and I have been this happy little couple to the outside world since he was released from the hospital and then it occurred to me...

Hey, if we are acting like a happy couple, why aren't I getting any?

This is BULLSHIT!

So I corrected that glitch and have been in correction mode for days now.  Now I remember why I married him in the first place.

Wow.

Done.  Whew.  Now where did I put the eggnog brandy?

Why aren't I on a cruise ship in the Gulf of Mexico with a rum drink in one hand and a slot machine arm in the other?

Oh, yeah, because life sucks and then you die a slow and painful death alone.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

This year I had planned to blow off hanging with my crazy extended family on Thanksgiving and go on a cruise.  Obviously from my whining, that did not happen.  Due to some medical problems and insurance copays higher than Keith Richards on tour, I am broke, busted and  tapped out.  The only boat that I can afford is a plastic bath toy piece of shit from Wally World.

Even that I would need to put on lay-a-way.

However, shit happens and since I bailed on Thanksgiving in advance, I assumed my family would have made other plans.

And they did.

Kind of.

My sister, her partner and their daughter went to Georgia to visit friends.

My brother decided to host Thanksgiving for his family and my parents at his house.

My son was going to Fort Lauderdale for a friend's engagement party on Friday so he decided to make a long weekend of it.

So I opted to not go to my brother's house but just have a quiet Thanksgiving with just my daughter and I.  Maybe go out to eat or simply cook a small bird to have leftovers.

Easy peasy.

Except not.

When my mother found out I wasn't going away, she decided that she didn't really want to go ALL THE WAY (30 minutes) to my brothers house since my father was going to have to work, so I said I would make a small bird and my daughter and I would bring dinner to her house.

Monday, my son decided that he didn't really have enough money for the extra days in a hotel so he would be joining us.

No problem, my little sad turkey breast wasn't going to be enough now so I went out and bought a ten pound turkey.

On Tuesday, a friend of mine that is battling breast cancer, said she really did not feel up to cooking so of course I invited her. I then switched the location to my house.

Tuesday night she told me that her son is going to be in town, would it be okay if she brought him.  Fine I said mentally trying to determine if I needed a bigger turkey.

Today she called and said that her nephew and his wife showed up as a surprise from out of town and would I mind.....

Yup...bigger turkey.

Last but not least, my mother just called and informed me that my father has the afternoon off so he will be joining us for dinner.

I am hosting a Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow for nine people.

I am waiting for a phone call from my son saying he is bringing a date. 

Whatever you do, I hope it is fun, happy and joyous.

But if it involves a cruise ship, I don't want to hear about it.

I have some very important advice for you kewl kids...

If you decide to date someone with a similar name as your last partner, do not list them next to each other in your phone.  Sending text messages to the wrong one can lead to some pretty intense back pedaling followed by awkward silences.  Those silence can and often do lead to being shown one half of a peace sign through a car window and a mouthing of either fuck you or you're wonderful in every way. 

I couldn't quite make it out.

I will say that I kinda dig dating someone that calls me out on my bullshit.  It is refreshing to actually be told that I just happened to have screwed up big time and it was totally unacceptable.  Even in four letter words and hand gestures.

What I can't stand is the silences and pouting that some gentleman excel at disguised  as  wanting to avoid conflict. 

Does that actually work for anyone?

At my ripe age of..errrrrr...29, I don't know what I want in a man.  Well, besides a lot of sex and a big...car.  I do know what I don't want.  I don't ever want to have to guess what someone else is thinking or feeling.  That is the most manipulative thing a person can do.  Also, a man who would rather pout than say what he thinks should take a Midol because he is already acting like a woman so he may as well bleed from the crotch like one. 

Do I want to be told to go fuck myself?  Well, not every day but there is something to be said for being direct about your feelings even if that does involve words you can't say in front of Nana.

Now I really need to change that damn address book because I can't take having to apologize more than once a month.  My ego simply won't allow me to admit to be wrong that much.

I received thirty emails today between 12pm and 2pm in regards to an ad I put on Craigslist...

Which specifically stated not to email me. 

I guess these thirty are special snowflakes that couldn't imagine I could possibly mean THEM when I said no emails!

I recently purchased a new dishwasher. Due to the fact I am lazy and didn't want to deal with a bunch of emails, I decided not to attempt to sell the old one but simply list it in the FREE section of Craigslist with its description and my address to come pick the fucker up.

I couldn't believe the questions these people asked.  It was like they were buying the darn thing.  Actual quotes...

"Does it have any scratches because I don't want anything with scratches."

"Can you please deliver it and install it?  I am a single mother and could really use it."

"If I pick it up and it doesn't work, I am bringing it back to you.  I don't need other people's junk"

and my favorite...

"Do you happen to know the energy rating?"

At 2:15,  I pulled the ad.  My son asked if he was willing to deal with the phone calls and emails, if he could sell it and keep the money.  I agreed.  Just make the darn thing go away.

He sold it for 50 dollars within an hour and they just picked it up.

I do believe I live in the most fucked up community in the world.

I think I had a bad day.

I say I think because after three glasses of sparkling wine on top of four percocets, I don't even remember what I did today.

Except whatever it was, it sucked.

Better living through chemistry.

But certainly not better recalling...

Anyway, I can recall enough to share that Ms Stink Ass didn't say a word about the note but I was informed that she was as rancid as usual today.

Happy happy joy joy.

So what I have been doing all week is moving people to different offices in order to accomodate one stinky old lady.  Good thing my education dollar is getting good use.

I am going to pass out now.  I did have a date but I didn't think I am particularly at my best tonight.  You know you're better off at home when you think "if that fucking dipshit texts or calls one more time, I am going to shove the phone up his ass."  Since I like him, I would probably dip it in a little olive oil first.

I am one hell of a nice person.

And go fuck yourself if you don't agree.

I just put this in Ms. Smells Like Ass's inbox.  I think it is pretty direct, don't you?

If you could go back in time...to anytime in your life...and change one thing.  What would it be and why?

I am feeling pensive today so humor me.

Personal  logic is a thought that seems totally indisputably  correct to you but another person may think you are out of your mind for actually considering such a thing.



Such as the fact that when you take a pint of Eddys Max out of the freezer, it should be consumed in its entirety.

Or
Wearing brown shoes with a black belt is an error of epic proportion.

So when I overhead some bat shift crazy soccer mom critiquing her ex husband for pulling the kids out of school three days early to take them to Washington DC for Thanksgiving, I had a sudden urge to shove a drum stick up her tight little ass.
This bitch was HORRIFIED that her precious snot dripping, swine flu carrying, ass crusty twerps would miss drawing a misshapen tree in art class or skip the spelling test that, while witnessing that gene pool, the little dumbass would have failed anyway.
This shrew went on and on to her black root friend in the express lame (with twenty two items mind you) of how Jr's entire future is at stake and he may not be able to get into the McDonalds training program to follow the rest of the clan into the family business.

I just don't get why someone would be so up in arms over a kid missing a few days of school for a memory that will last a lifetime.

Then again, my kids didn't spend four long hard years in the third grade.

Oops

I had one of those cringe moments on Friday night. As I was being taken to dinner at Wolfgang Pucks in Downtown Disney Friday night, we passed the big dome that is where Cirque du Soleil's 'La Nouba' takes place.


I have never had any desire to see that show nor any of the others. Due to the fact that there is often no censure button between brain and mouth, I said so.


Lo and behold, guess what was planned for the remainder of the evening? Yeah...oops. Try back peddling from that faux pax.

Actually the show was pretty good and we ended up inadvertently part of it which was also pretty kewl.

There is a lesson to be learned here but since I haven't learned it in my 40 plus years, it is probably too late.


Since I still owe you kids the story from Friday, I will comply for the few minutes I have before going back to Disney to take the kid and her friend to the art show taking place this weekend.


Friday afternoon, one of my doctors came into my office and shut the door.

Since he is a notorious gossip, I perked up with interest knew it wasn't going to be anything of great importance.

And it wasn't. But boy did it piss me off.

"I just had lunch with one of the anesthesiologists we work with and she informed me that one of our part time employees that also works for them on occasion invited their entire group and support staff to our Christmas party."

Somewhere in the neighborhood of a dozen or so people.

ONCE a year I plan a special event for the staff and their significant others. But good food, good music, and good booze tends to be very expensive.

Now I find this part time 21 year old file clerk has just increased my guest list by 25%.

Not being one to fly off the handle...

Okay, flying off the handle, I sent her a text message through her mother who works for me full time but was out sick Friday.

"Did Cindy invite Jane and her team to our Christmas party by chance?"

Five minutes go by, ten, fifteen and then all hell breaks lose. My phone starts beeping with text messages faster than I can read them.

This was the first one..

Chris, I wasn't aware that I couldn't invite extra people to the party. Since I worked there I thought I could".

Well, dumb ass, let someone else do the thinking. Someone that does it far better than you which includes most of the human race.

Before I had a chance to answer, it was followed by an apology and a request that I don't blame her mother. On and on they went until I read this....

Don't worry, I called Jane and told her I made a mistake and you said they couldn't come."

Do you know what is worse than inviting someone to a party that you aren't hosting?

UNINVITING THEM.

 I just....
I can't....

I don't....

I need to fix this disaster Monday and I am sooo looking forward to it.

I don't know why I am surprised. This crotch dropping comes from the same mother that when she and her husband was invited to the CEO's black tie wedding reception at the priciest hotel in Orlando, responded that EIGHT will be attending.

I don't recall in my job description being informed that I had to teach manners to forty year olds and their kids.

They Did It AGAIN!!

Long and faithful readers may remember my posting an entry around Christmas a couple of years back about tacky people inviting friends and family to our holiday party.  I thought I had clearly explained what you and a guest are cordially invited actually means.

The invitations have yet to go out and I already have an issue.  Sorry but I am to busy shoving the tissue back in my head from my brain exploding so you kids will have to wait for the complete story.

Perhaps I will be calm in a month or two.

This Friday's site is Vintage Ads.  Check it out.

Inside Outside

Why do I have two closets completely packed with clothes and can't find a g-d damn thing to wear tomorrow night?

I thought I would be so smart planning ahead so I won't be rushed after work getting ready for my sushi date.  My bedroom looks like the walk in regurgitated jeans, skirts, blouses and shoes and I still keep flinging things off in exasperation.

It is probably a mood thing.  I have a headache, my daughter is Miss Chatty Cathy tonight and I have yet to clean up the dinner dishes.  It is hard to feel beautiful on the outside when you have ugliness battling to escape on the inside.

Anyone else ever feel this way?

I think my jeans will look much better if I have few beers.  If not, I probably won't give a shit either way.

Dogs Best Friend?

My dog is obsessed with me.

Not being fond of most animals, human beings included, I find this phenomenon very weird.

My little yappy dog, Maxwell, has just turned four and doesn't appear to be outgrowing his attachment. Actually, it appears to be getting worse. I already deal with the fact that he has a breathing attack most days when I get home. His excitement triggers his collapsed trachea abnormality and he will struggle for breath until he calms down.
Or passes out whichever comes first.
He follows me around the house like a..well..puppy dog and must be in the same room I am at all times.  If SCM dares to try to pick him up in my presence, Maxwell will fight and snap until he lets him down to stand guard over me.  He waits outside of the bathroom when I am in there and sleeps on my bed when I am alone and under it when SCM has invited himself for a visit.
In my ignorance, I thought Maxwell, along with the spare dog, just napped and played during the day when I was at the office. I have discovered this is not the case. Evidentially, the dog howls and cries all day long until I get home.


How did I find out he does this? I was left a little neighborgram taped to my door.

Hmmm. Well, we learned two things from this note. One, the dog cries and howls all day. Two, Bill can not spell. Since I can't control the latter, I figure I bet get a handle on the former.
I checked with SCM to find out if he was aware of this. After all, he is often home during the day.
"Sure, he has always done that. The minute you leave until you get home. I throw him out because it drives me crazy."
Good plan. Subject the neighbors to the torture so you don't have to deal with it.

I checked some dog message boards run by obsessive people that refer to their dogs as their "babies" and themselves as "mommy and daddy" and I was advised to get the maladjusted furry thing to a doggy shrink. But BY NO MEANS am I to drug the animal.

This morning I called the vet to make an appointment to get Maxwell on some doggy tranquilizes to chill the fuck out.
What is good for me is certainly good enough for my dog.

I work in the medical field in a business capacity.  Basically this means I don't have to deal with bat shit crazy patients on a regular basis.

Or any basis if it is a good day.

Occasionally I get called into the trenches to toss someone for being nasty to the staff or call 911 for a junky that thought my office would provide them with their abused prescription drug of choice.

Mostly though I crunch numbers and yell at my staff.

Yesterday was one of those days I wish I had gone to work in a safe boring accountanting firm.

The day started when I walked through a full waiting room having my usual sing songy good mornings greeted with an uncomfortable silence usually reserved for people that have been waiting a while and are losing patience.

Now I know that a medical facility isn't people's favorite place to visit on a Monday morning but the vibe was really off. My bad feeling intensified when I saw a couple of police officers milling around the place talking to the staff.

I grabbed the first employee I passed to inquire what the fuck was going on.

"We had an incident".

Ahhh, an incident. I see.

No I didn't.

"Could you be more specific?"

My office opens at 6:30 each morning to perform procedures. Generally all patients are either in recovery or discharged by the time I get in around 8:30. It was clear due to the twenty five or thirty people in the waiting room that it wasn't working that way today. Apparently a mother of an adult patient wanted to observe her son's procedure. No one noticed her following behind the nurse pushing the wheelchair until she entered the sterile environment with street clothes and sneakers.

(Yes, my staff is super observant.)

Everything could have been quickly rectified if the Mom had followed the nurse out like she was instructed to do.

Nope. Wasn't going to happen. She wasn't going anywhere. She wouldn't allow anyone in or out either.

One of the physician assistants attempted to open the door and was told..

"You aren't going anywhere tubby"

(Yes, I did burst out laughing at this part of the story. Bad Chris.)

So, as I was in Starbucks having a yummy mocha frappuccino, my staff was being held hostage by a crazy person.

One of the techs pulled out his cell phone and dialed 911. Fortunately, before the police could arrive the son talked Mom down and they both ended up leaving the premises. I spent the rest of the morning with the police filling out forms to press charges.

The patient called back later that afternoon to see if he could reschedule. I gladly referred him to the competition.

.

What A Long Strange Trip Its Been...

I attended a birthday dinner last night for someone who is right around my age.  She was telling me how much she is looking forward to 50 in a few years and how liberating it will be.

What. The. Fuck?

To me, that is like looking forward to the root canal because you really dig the Nitrous oxide. 

No.  Just No.

Men can look forward to 50.  They can look forward to that distinguished look of gray around the temples and experience lines around their eyes.  They get to feel relieved that the kids are gone and they can now spend their money on green fees and sports cars that they look ridiculous driving.

But women?  Women can only look forward to more trips to the salon the cover the gray, painful botox injections and buying shoe inserts to go in the pumps that make our legs look great but irritate that fucking bunion that just appeared one day.

Yes, my friend does have the right attitude.  She is secure in her relationship, secure in her head and ready for the next adventure in life.

Me? I have yet to figure  out what I want to be when I grow up.  The thought of finding peace where my head is at now is like being happy that I got half way through a 10,000 piece jigsaw puzzle and giving up and putting the pieces back in the box.

NO!  I say.  NO!  I am going to finish that freakin' thing even if it is all black pieces and I am going to glue it together and put it on the wall of the old folks home.

But for now, I am going to continue to sort out the straight pieces so I can at least finish the outside.

Have a nice week kewl kids.

In my mind's eye, I should have been through with all my current office bullshit and should be dealing with another office's bullshit by now. After all these years I am still smacking around the same people, listening to the same grumbles and have the same few brown nosers kissing my ass.

I know this is turning into a work blog and that wasn't my intention. Like Seinfield reruns, this blog is supposed to be about nothing. However, I do need to vent and what better a place than at the kewl kid's table with a captive audience?

Ms. BB has been back one week and I noticed I wasn't getting the amount of output from the gal I hired to take over her job. When I inquired, it appeared that Ms. BB decided that since SHE wasn't able to work that hard having someone else do it made her look bad.  So she divided the work among three people.

Yes, it is true. The woman that I have gone through so much trouble to keep due to her work ethic was instructed to slow down so others have more work. Of course when I asked Ms. BB what she was thinking I got the same deer in the headlights look that I have been receiving since 1998. She doesn't even attempt to make excuses but looks at me with a stupid expression that says.."snagged"...and she waits for me to tell her what she already knows. What actually should be happening.

In the meantime, I laid in bed last night trying to come up with a solution to Ms. BB and her intense odor problem.  (Instead of being laid in bed which would have been a lot more fun.)  I think I managed to work it out that she would have an office to herself which is really quite annoying.  Forget to bathe and you get your own private office.  I wonder if I'd have to make her a VP if she stops wearing her dentures?

She did tell me this happy news this morning.

"Chris, I am here to stay.  I am not going to be able to retire until I am dead."

Don't tempt me.

One Simply Can't Make This Shit Up.

No sooner do I finally think I've got everyone settled into their new offices without blood shed, I hear a tentative knock on my door.
Before I have time to hide under my desk, one of the secretaries came in and asked to talk.
This particular employee was only affected by the changes in that she was given a new office mate.  Unfortunately, it was Ms. BB of stinky bowel movement fame. Unbeknownst to me, I was informed she also has other hygiene problems. To put it the same way as my visitor...

"She smells like ass."
So now I either need to move this doodie stinkin', ass smelling, dandruff flaking, BO environment polluting old bag somewhere alone or I need to figure out how to tell a woman 35 years my senior, that soap and water are our friends.

Aren't you kids glad you aren't me?

Welcome to another Wednesday addition of Fun Site Friday!  This week I have two of them for you to check out...

The first is a site, Etiquette Hell, is dedicated to point out the bad manners that exist all around us.  There are some really great stories but be forewarned, you may get addicted to them and there are hundreds and hundreds to read.  There is also a link to the blog on the main site if you didn't get your fix of white trash weddings and red neck baby showers.

The second and one of my favorites is the Things I Learned From My Patients message board.  It was started in 2003 to recount outrageous stories of emergency room situations and has been added to ever since.  Another site to kill a bunch of time if you're say....at work or doing something equally unimportant.

Have a fun day and remember, please pass on your favs in the comments.  I am at work too. 

Decisions...Decisions...

I have discovered it is extremely difficult to run a small company and still manage to stalk an ex boyfriend effectively. I know we all have to prioritize in this busy no nonsense world, but what does one do when one’s tasks seem equally important?

Sigh.

I could be a responsible and efficient business woman making proactive decisions regarding the future of an extreme lucrative healthcare business

Or

I could work on not being spotted while following his vehicle, cleverly swiping and returning his mail to check for love letters and dressing for success in outfits of green with brown prints to blend in with the shrubbery around his house.

Why is life so full of hard choices?

Mental note...


When your ten year old daughter tells you that you have a small uneven section on the back of your hair, do not hand her the scissor and tell her to snip it off.

BIG MISTAKE.

As I frantically beg to be worked in for a hair appointment this afternoon, I will update you kids on my solution to the office political bullshit from hell. As some of you may remember from this post..(go check, I'll wait), I wasn't quite sure how to work out a system to keep everyone employed and still do what is good for the company. After changing job descriptions of six employees, I was able to juggle the staff so that everyone still has a job. Of course no one is thrilled. They don't realize that for a few of them it was change jobs or be let go. I can tolerate some grumbling but I did have to come down on one gal Friday and inform her that if she doesn't like it, she can leave.

She did show up this morning and so far as kept her pie hole shut.
The hardest part of the entire thing was meeting individually with these people to discuss the changes. Some people did end up losing hours and that is a hard thing to have to deal with. However, times are tough and I refuse to behave like a big nameless corporation that puts profit over people. Cut and slash would have been the most cost efficient but I do need to sleep at night and would rather not sleep with one eye opened.

Have a great week kiddos. 

52 days until Christmas. 

I'll put up my wish list soon to give you all plenty of time to shop.

No. It Is Still Sunday

In case you kids thought half nekkid Thursday came early this week...
This is a story that requires a visual.
Yesterday morning I took the brat to her skating lesson like I do every Saturday (and Monday, and Wednesday but that is my own tale of woe...). I usually run to the store during her lessons and come back just in time to pick her up. Yesterday I just had a quick errand so I was back with still almost a hour left to the Princess's lesson.

Being the last day of the month, I had to go to the desk and pay for next month's lessons so I proceeded to do so. As I was paying the owner, I noticed him looking very interested at my blouse. I followed his gaze and OH SHIT! I was totally unbuttoned with my lace bra visual to all. I quickly did myself up, laughed a little embarrassed laugh and handed over the money for the lessons.

I have seen this owner every time I have come in for six months now. He is in his late thirties, early forties, basic looking dude. Not once has he said a word to me. Never other than a brisk thank you when I forked over my dough.

I walked back into the chill of the skating arena and I noticed someone trailing me. I stood at the wall and peered through the fogged up plastic barrier looking for Anna and her coach. I glanced over and the owner is standing besides me attempting to make small talk inquiring as to what was on the ipod I was listening too and explaining his taste in music and what bands he has seen.

Apparently..boobies make perfect strangers into good friends.

I answered his questions politely with a blow off air and after a few more tries of starting up another subject, he turned and left.

It is kind of creepy knowing a stranger was spankin' the ole monkey to my lace undergarments last night.

Creepy yet strangely flattering.

Happy Halloween!




SCM didn’t take the picture of the final product so alas, I won’t be posting any. I take full responsibility since I blew off his work party which was where the pumpkin carving contest was taking place. Coincidentally, the general manager’s son won first prize. Hmmm. Lol



Hey, it is all about the kids anyway.



Speaking of which, I am taking Anna and her friends to an event at the ice skating rink tonight. For a Flroida kid, she spends half her time on the ice. Her coach is very impressed with her but unfortunately I didn’t start her early enough to be an Olympic contender in the future. Can you imagine at ten being too OLD for something? Cracks me up. However, you never know. If she continues to work hard and enjoy it, something may come of it in her future.



I have finally resolved my health issues. Some minor surgery and poof, no more problems. The testing and the worry seems much worse than the actual “cure”.



Have a fun night guys and to M.S.R. HAPPY BIRTHDAY and many more.

I Can't Even Draw A Decent Stick Figure

SCM is entering a pumpkin carving contest at work.  He hasn't quite finished it...he still needs to decorate with webs and accessories but I am so impressed.  I will post the finished product and the other entries this weekend.  I know some people really go all out with these things.

Happy Halloween Kids.

Ever Have A Week Like This?

Yeah?  Me too.

So sorry I haven't been a good blogger lately. My reality seems to be infringing on my writing time and that simply will not do!

As many of you know, I run a small company with about 25 people working under me. That can definitely have its challenges and the past two weeks have piled on more bullshit than I have dealt with all year.

First of all, the secretary administrative assistant fell and broke her arm in three places. You can imagine that injury causes her major duty of typing to be quite the bitch. She has been out for about a month now after some surgery to realign everything with bandaids and crazy glue or whatever it is they use. In the meantime, I replaced her with a temp that I found through an ad on Craigslist.

This temp ROCKS. The position's productivity has increased almost 50% and this is from someone that is still training. However, the major benefit is that she doesn't feel the need to stink up the employee bathroom twice a day like Ms. Broken Bone.

I am only half kidding. I think Ms BB eats road kill covered in shit sauce three times a day. The damage she does to an entire side of the building is that bad.

But I digress.

Ms. BB has been an employee for over ten years. Even though I am a hard ass, I do have some loyality and throwing someone out on their ass because their twice daily dump stinks up the place, because they are slowing down in their old age, doesn't seem like the right thing to do.

However, I do want to keep this temp.

The new woman does annoys the shit out of me with her yammering, but I can deal with a little annoying as long as I keep getting the work out of her.

Besides, once she is perm, I'll just tell her to shut up and get the hell out of my office like I eventually do to everyone that works there.

Ms. Temp definitely wants the job and asks me every other day if I know what Ms BB's status is on coming back to work. Well, as of tonight, her status seems to be she is coming back in another two weeks.

So I need to put on my manager cap and figure out how to increase the budget to load up on the lysol, keep the temp while still finding a position for Ms. BB.

Sigh. I need a vacation.

Kewl Sites for the Kewl Kids

Sappy Site Friday..

Like Post Secret but not. Untold Secrets.


Broken hearted people lament. Dear Old Love.

Have a great weekend folks.

Not Growing Old Gracefully.

Okay, who the fuck took my youth when I wasn't looking? There must be someone to whom I can report this offense. And I intend to prosecute to the full extend of the law G-d Damn It!

It isn't that I feel I am looking particularly ragged lately. As a matter of fact, I have a new hair style that I like and I've lost weight thanks to Dr. Todd's dating regime which included rabbit food and intense exercise. (and he wonders why it didn't work out between us. BAHAHA)

It is the NUMBER that freaks me out. I won't write it here but take my word for it, it is well on its way to being an old bag number. It occurs to me that I am at the age my mother was when she became a grandmother. A GRANDMOTHER??? Kill me now. Even though I can not compete with those hot little numbers that hang out at the bars trolling for sugar daddies, I certainly am in no way ready to be any one's Nana. Fuck that.

I was bored recently and checked out my old high school graduating class on face book. I "friended" several to find out how they were doing. Let me tell you folks, these people that have been in my memory up until now as eighteen year old kids, aren't anymore. They look sooo OLD! I mean of course I am saying how MARVELOUS everyone looks but I am lying.

The scary part is they are saying the same thing to me.

Somebody hold me.

Some Great Sites To Check Out

Razor pointed out that I haven't handled my Friday funny websites for the past two weeks. The problem is if I get too busy to post on Friday, I screw up the flow man.

However, in the interest of interest.. Here are two more of my favs.

Found. A collection of notes and pictures found in various places around the globe. I have two of the books and really enjoy thinking about the people and situations that created these gems.

Passive Aggressive Notes. The name speaks for itself. Some are more aggressive than passive but all are funny.

I also just received a phone call about a job in Manhattan. I apparently did well on the phone interview and they want to meet me in person. I can't believe after being on the other side of the interview process for years that I actually have butterflies.

New York has always been my first choice for a job but they are few and far between especially in this economy. Send good juju my way folks.

I Think a Monday MeMe Is In Order

And I tag all of you kids. Cut and paste the questions onto your blog and let me know if you played.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

He didn't realize his existence has no meaning in the universe.

What was your last thought?

When will my computer be done so I can leave work?

Are you a cat or a dog person?

Definite dog person. Cats are evil.

Define yourself in 3 words...

Bored Bored Bored.


Kill the spider or let it out?

Smash it with a hammer and hang it as a threat to others who want to come in.

Do you shower every single day?

At least once.

Walking past a beggar, spare change or ignore?

A few bucks

Where do you want to travel next?

London

What is your favorite food?

My Mom's Veal Parm.

Do you read harry potter books?

Yup...read them all.

What is your favorite place?

Ireland

If you could have one super human power what would you choose?

Mind reading

Have you had a beer in the last week?


Yes.

Vitamin Water or Gatorade?

Neither. Plain Water

What is your favorite song of all time?

Into The Mystic. VM


When and where was the best picture of you taken?

Seatle Washington 1997.

Why?

Self expression? Yeah, I get it but why would you subject your neighbors to this nightmare every day? The article claims there is no law against it and since there is no home owner association, the neighborhood is powerless to do a thing about it.

If someone lives on acres of land, I don't care if they paint their house green with peach polka dots. However, when you are part of a neighborhood, everything you do can effect property values of your neighbors.

Why would a person move into a neighborhood and proceed to alienate the entire block immediately?

You're a dick, we get it. Now repaint your house.

I have been informed I have some medical issues.

Now most people pretty much know they have something wrong with them before actually having their health care provided calling them out of the blue but I can't seem to do anything the normal way. I do not feel sick, I have no symptoms and yet...

...while having some random testing someone, somewhere gazing at a light box across town saw some weird something on an x-ray that didn't seem to belong there.

Two weeks and several hundred dollars worth of co pays poorer, I am still doing the testing/specialist hustle.

Although I work in the health care industry in a limited capacity, I usually don't get down and dirty with those annoying people we call patients. I don't normally deal with their annoying little problems and their annoying little whines and gripes.

That is not my area.

My area is making sure the business aspect of health care runs smoothly and the plastic surgeons get to keep their trophy wives, their annual trips to Greece and their Maserati.

I have to tell ya, I am not loving the other side of the exam table.

I have been CT Scanned, PET Scanned and bed panned. I've been injected, objected and subjected. I've been stabbed, labbed and scabbed.

And still one doctor sends me to another and so on and so on...

All advising..more tests more tests!

I get it docs, it is something that doesn't belong in my body so take it the fuck out!

Feeling fine has never been so exhausting.