Sunday, December 28, 2008

Hope everyone had a great Christmas.

I remain far too traumatized to blog about the wedding but will share the fun soon.

In the mean time, stock up on the booze for New Years Eve or just because you need it to get through that shitty night that we all are supposed to have fun but in reality, it usually sucks.

We'll chat soon kids.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Sis Was Kind Enuff To Help

Me perform the ceremony explained in the blog entry below. One less thing for me to worry about.....

Dearly belittled, we are gathered here to witness this last minute, half assed, doing it for the money event in the presence of God, family and those of us forced to be here against our will.

So getting on it with it…. do you (insert name here) take this man to be your awfully wedded husband, to use, abuse and berate at every possible opportunity (wait for response).

Now, do you (insert name here) take this woman to be your awfully wedded wife to use, ignore and live off of for as long as you both shall live. (wait for response).

Now repeat after me….. I (insert name here) will stand Bayou through backwoods Cajun gumbo parties and dysfunctional family gatherings until I can’t take it anymore and go out for milk one day and never return.

I think I'll give my overalls a good washin' and fabreeze my flip flops for the sacred occasion.

Monday, December 15, 2008

I Fucking Don't!!!

It seems I will be marrying someone Christmas Day this year.

And I don't wanna.

Actually I will be marrying two people. Or rather, I will be performing a ceremony uniting two people, for better or worse, til death do they part and all that shit.

I think you all that know me are pretty damn sure that I am in no way any kind of minister. Unless there exists the church of the foul mouthed, pagan bitch in which case I would be happy to run the place and be in charge of all donations. No, in Florida, Notaries can perform marriage ceremonies.

I don't know if that is nationwide but it is far too late to move now anyway.

I have done this kind of thing once before and vowed to never do it again. I simply feel ill-equipped to be responsible for someone else’s eventual divorce.

But this happens to be a “desperate” situation and this relative so dear to my heart pulled the “but you're family” fucking card on me.


Long story short...person A is getting deployed to Iraq and has a one week leave, the week of Christmas, in order to pledge his life long devotion to Person B. (And get all the military benefits associated with such an arrangment). Florida has a three day waiting period after they obtain the marriage license. Which means if they obtain the license Monday and he is leaving Friday morning, they need to marry that Thursday which happens to be Christmas Day.

Apparently, the courthouse personnel stay home that day to spend time with their families. What a bunch of selfish pricks.

Believe it or not, the situation gets even more interesting. The entire family traditionally spends Christmas Day at my parent's home. This particular family had an invitation extended for five. They have yet to RSVP. However, while speaking to them, it seems they plan to come and bring some friends and in-laws adding at least an additional four to the original five invited to attend. They will all have Christmas Dinner and then proceed to a nice little park where I will perform the shortest ceremony in history and we will all go back to my parent’s house for dessert. Yes, my mother is holding a wedding reception in one week and has yet to be informed.

I can’t wait to see how this one plays out but no doubt it will be providing me with blogging material for weeks to come.

Monday, December 8, 2008

My Annual Christmas Update.

Dear Friends and Family,

It has been a typical year for us. I was widowed again this year from husband number four or five; I can’t quite remember only that none of the bastards left me any money after their untimely poisonings, I mean deaths.

I still owe more than the trailer is worth and after perusing the yellow pages for an arson professional, they all seemed too busy to take on any new business. I’ve decided to seek an ambitious teenager looking to make a few extra bucks for the holidays.

Bubba Jr is still in prison on that bullshit robbery charge. There are many people that choose to wear ski masks in July and that gun wasn’t even loaded! As usual, the system just like to pick on the underdogs who are just trying to help their family put food on the table.

My second eldest son is still dealing drugs and making a killing. It seems like the one thing the depressed economy doesn’t effect is the need for daily chemical vacations from reality. He has also expanded his business by putting a few whores out on the street. He is my little entrepreneur and I am so very proud. He has his bitches selling blow jobs and crack at the same time. The only problem is they tend to sample a bit too much of the merchandise but he is working hard on solving that problem. I have no doubt he will come up with a reasonable solution in no time at all.

My daughter is in the 7th grade already and has finally learned to count to ten. I am so very proud of her as well. Next month she will start on her ABCs. I was highly encouraged when she insisted she is only interested in renting R rated movies at the video store last week. One letter down, 21 to go.

The dog continues to shit all over the furniture. We’ve given up training him and found it much easier to simply just join him. We keep some toilet paper under the sofa and shove it under the cushions when used. You’d be surprised how fast you get used to the smell!

The lawsuit with our neighbors is still in progress. They claim the four bikes in their garage where stolen by our family. We are contending that since the garage door was not closed, the finders keepers rule applies in the situation. Being the good neighbors we are, we did invite them over for coffee to try to resolve the situation amicably but for some reason, they couldn’t tolerate the scent of my new perfume as they entered into the house. At least that is what I think it was.

The fire department was called earlier this year to get the baby off the roof yet again. I am so proud of that little monkey shimming up the drain pipe with his blankey and thumb in his mouth. He does so enjoy the ride down the ladder. I am all for cheap entertainment since my welfare checks barely covers my cigarettes and gin, let alone any kind of games or movies. Of course none of their dead beat fathers worked long enough to entitle their sprogs to any social security so I am forced to be mother of the year sacrificing my entire life for these joyous gifts from God.

Hope your family is doing just as well. Best Wishes for a Merry Christmas and remember, if you’d like to contribute to the legal fund to get Junior out of jail, I accept PayPal only. Peace and goodwill to all.