Monday, December 15, 2008

I Fucking Don't!!!




It seems I will be marrying someone Christmas Day this year.

And I don't wanna.

Actually I will be marrying two people. Or rather, I will be performing a ceremony uniting two people, for better or worse, til death do they part and all that shit.

I think you all that know me are pretty damn sure that I am in no way any kind of minister. Unless there exists the church of the foul mouthed, pagan bitch in which case I would be happy to run the place and be in charge of all donations. No, in Florida, Notaries can perform marriage ceremonies.

I don't know if that is nationwide but it is far too late to move now anyway.

I have done this kind of thing once before and vowed to never do it again. I simply feel ill-equipped to be responsible for someone else’s eventual divorce.

But this happens to be a “desperate” situation and this relative so dear to my heart pulled the “but you're family” fucking card on me.

Bastard.

Long story short...person A is getting deployed to Iraq and has a one week leave, the week of Christmas, in order to pledge his life long devotion to Person B. (And get all the military benefits associated with such an arrangment). Florida has a three day waiting period after they obtain the marriage license. Which means if they obtain the license Monday and he is leaving Friday morning, they need to marry that Thursday which happens to be Christmas Day.

Apparently, the courthouse personnel stay home that day to spend time with their families. What a bunch of selfish pricks.

Believe it or not, the situation gets even more interesting. The entire family traditionally spends Christmas Day at my parent's home. This particular family had an invitation extended for five. They have yet to RSVP. However, while speaking to them, it seems they plan to come and bring some friends and in-laws adding at least an additional four to the original five invited to attend. They will all have Christmas Dinner and then proceed to a nice little park where I will perform the shortest ceremony in history and we will all go back to my parent’s house for dessert. Yes, my mother is holding a wedding reception in one week and has yet to be informed.

I can’t wait to see how this one plays out but no doubt it will be providing me with blogging material for weeks to come.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

And theres me thinking you had gone all mormon on us and were going to give polygamy a chance

LOL maybe you should track down the ex abnd see if you cant give it a go

Sean the obtuse Canadian

Jay said...

Wait .. Notaries can perform weddings? And they're all legal and shit? No way!

Burfica said...

OMG how I wish you would carry a recorder, so we could hear all the niceties. hehehehehehe

Christine said...

Total Way Jay (hehe) Why? have someone in mind you'd like to hand over half your shit to?

Burfica: I want to be a fly on the wall when my mother is informed of all these plans.

Special K said...

Glad to hear you aren't really marrying not one, but two people but only performing the ceremony.
Geez, give a girl a heart attack! :)

coffeypot said...

I went on-line a couple of years ago and became ordained. My step-daughter, Dr. Amber who has NO religious bones in her body, was thinking about getting married to her live-in boyfriend so he could have some insurance. He was working part-time then and needed some coverage. Anyway, I did, but he got on full time and they didn’t see the need to become legal. Since she is an Atheist, she couldn’t be living in sin. So now I have this ability and no one to marry. I’m also a Notary, but I don’t thin I can marry anyone because of it. Just stamp and sign any need papers.

You can call me Rev. Coffeypot!

Libby said...

...wow, chris. just wow...tell us all about it after christmas!!

M Chickk said...

That's actually pretty cool though, that you can marry people. You could really have some fun with this! :) Throw in some weird ass vows or something like that.

Jenny Fabulous said...

I wanna come!

The Girl You Don't Bring Home to Momma said...

I'm a notary in PA, I don't think we are allowed to marry people. I'm with J-Fab...I wanna come. Post pics please, it should definately be interesting.