Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Two days until Thanksgiving with the fam.

Be still my excited little heart.

There is nothing I enjoy more than spending the better part of the day not smacking the fucking piss out of someone that happens to have the same genes or was stupid enough to marry into a family that possesses said dysfunctional genes.

Smile, smile...yes, these pototoes are the best ever. (Especially the black lumps throughout) nod nod....no we haven't heard that story...(at least in the last 365 days). Chuckle chuckle....what a good one. (you don't really tell that shit to people that actually don't feel obligated to laugh, do you?)

Fuck...I am in no mood. Do doctor's write notes to get out of family obligations?

What if I offer a significant bribe? Guess I can't compete with the bribes the drug companies shell out so I guess I am stuck.


Friday, November 21, 2008

I know that this is going to come as a shocker to you kids, but it appears I am a bit on the high strung side.

Additionally, I may even have a tad more stress in my life than is good for me.

But I am getting ahead of myself.

It all started when SCM punched me in the face.

Well, that was the rumor anyway...in reality he did no such thing. It seems when a person walks around with several blood vessels that have burst in said person's eye, people automatically assume domestic violence.

To make matters worse, since this had happened before, I was just steps away from a woman's shelter.

In reality, I had no idea why tiny little capillaries were exploding in my baby blues and since it wasn't painful, I did what I always do when something doesn't need to go on my list of crisis for the day. I ignored it.

I would have continued to ignore it if I hadn't started with a terrible headache that didn't go away for several days. I may have even ignored that if the headache didn't come with bed spins worse than when I was doing jello shots off of that hot male strippers thigh during my bachelorette party in 1985.

I probably would have even ignored that too if someone hadn't finally fessed up about the office suspicion that my eye was caused by an ass kicking.

After convincing people that I really was being truthful and if any beatings were to take place, I certainly wouldn't be on the receiving end, a coworker asked: "Are you sure you don't have high blood pressure?"

Naaa, I thought. Not only am I too young for that shit, there is no such family history of that particular ailment.

We have just about every other malady in our dried up and root rotted family tree but none of that.

Since I needed to stock up on pantyhose and strawberry flavored massage oil anyway, I decided to take advantage of that annoying pressure cuff at the drug store.

After squeezing my arm so fucking tight I thought my skin was going to burst open leaving all my muscles and tendons exposed, two numbers flashed on the screen. I compared the numbers to their little chart for reference.

According to the list, I was on head exploding countdown.

I shook my head thinking that can't be right and checked it again....


To get to the point, I saw a doctor who put me on some medication and told me to chill the fuck out if I don't want that little blood vessels to start bursting in my brain causing me to spend my life eating my meals through a straw and drooling all over myself.

And give up the cigarettes, Hagan Daz and recreational drugs.

OH fuck that....

I am working on figuring out how to eliminate the aggravation in my life.

Basically my new philosophy is that if you are the least bit annoying... fuck off.

Words to live by.

Monday, November 17, 2008

I don't know how people manage to blog each day. It just seems to take me away from more important things.

Such as Monk reruns and Vanilla Swiss Almond Haagan Daz.

I do, however, have a goal.....

I am on a mission to be immortalized in the Genus Book of World Records for widest ass.

So far so good.

Seriously, I wish I could get some direction. Currently I have five short stories, three novels and nine outlines in the works. If I wrote to put food on the table, I would have no chance at that damn record.

There just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day. By the time I get the kid up and to school, work ten hours, fling some food in the fams direction, the most creative thing I can produce is a steam sketch on the shower door.

Which reminds me...I need to leave a note for the cleaning lady not to Windex away my one and only artistic moment this week.

I really need to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Lucky for me, I have plenty of time.

I am attending a wedding this weekend of a couple that have no business hanging out together let alone committing to one another for life. The groom is close personal friend that I have know for 15 years. I really would like to smack the shit out of him but I suppose people need to make their own mistakes.

Even if that mistake involves a manipulative bitch that is only marrying him for his money.

He has managed to put her off and avoid the marriage for a while now. The irresponsible jerk impregnated her three years ago. Apparently the pill she was taking religiously failed.

cough cough

Of course I blame him just as much. When you have a couple of mil in the bank you bag that sucker when sticking it in someone you're barely dating. Inserting his dick into her was like him inserting a dollar into a slot and she hitting the jackpot.

Ding Ding Ding. You have won five thousand dollars in month in child support for the next 18 years.

Maybe he just figures marrying her will be cheaper.

cough cough

She already commandeered his Maserati that he bought for himself this past year. I guess the baby is safer in that than the Lexus SUV he bought her two years ago. Gotta think about the little one....

So I'll get all buttoned up and beautiful. Give the little slut a hug and a congratulations through clenched teeth and enjoy the seventy five thousand dollar reception that she just had to have.

I mean in her case, you only get married three times. Why elope to Vegas when you can be as ostentatious as possible?

If nothing else, I am certain I have weeks of entertaining gossip ahead of me.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Last One. Promise.

I'll post something creative here or on "Hate" tomorrow.

So if I am understanding this correctly, I have an urge to kick someone's ass. That sounds about right.

You are The Tower

Ambition, fighting, war, courage. Destruction, danger, fall, ruin.

The Tower represents war, destruction, but also spiritual renewal. Plans are disrupted. Your views and ideas will change as a result.

The Tower is a card about war, a war between the structures of lies and the lightning flash of truth. The Tower stands for "false concepts and institutions that we take for real." You have been shaken up; blinded by a shocking revelation. It sometimes takes that to see a truth that one refuses to see. Or to bring down beliefs that are so well constructed. What's most important to remember is that the tearing down of this structure, however painful, makes room for something new to be built.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Another Boring Day

Another boring test.

I think you have to highlight the text to read it which is far too much trouble for this bullshit but what the fuck...Do it if you are as bored as I am and let me know how much of an asshole YOU are.

I am 49% Asshole/Bitch.
Part Time Asshole/Bitch.
I may think I am an asshole or a bitch, but the truth is I am a good person at heart. Yeah sure, I can have a mean streak in me, but most of the people I meet like me.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Thank God summer in Florida is finally over. If I had to look at my thunder thighs in shorts for one more week, I would have be forced to do something really drastic.

Like go back to the gym.


Florida weather is odd. Last night we were down in the mid 50s which for us is coat weather.

Yes, we are a bunch of wienies. But when you get acclimated to 95 degrees six months out of the year, 50 seems a tad nippy.

It felt really good to open the windows up wide, put on sweats and big thick socks and breath air that wasn't recirculated from an AC unit. I even caught the comforting scent of someone burning wood in a fireplace.

I despise Florida from April until October. Each summer I agonize why I live in this hell hole of a state.

But then autumn comes and although I miss the changing foliage and the crunching of leaves under foot, I remember why this happens to be a very nice place to live.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Sunday, November 2, 2008


Don't forget to vote Tuesday. And if it isn't too much trouble, vote CORRECTLY for my man Obama.

If you're in Florida, vote NO on Amendment 2 and keep the religious wing nuts out of people's civil rights.

That is all.