Monday, November 17, 2008

I don't know how people manage to blog each day. It just seems to take me away from more important things.

Such as Monk reruns and Vanilla Swiss Almond Haagan Daz.

I do, however, have a goal.....

I am on a mission to be immortalized in the Genus Book of World Records for widest ass.

So far so good.

Seriously, I wish I could get some direction. Currently I have five short stories, three novels and nine outlines in the works. If I wrote to put food on the table, I would have no chance at that damn record.

There just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day. By the time I get the kid up and to school, work ten hours, fling some food in the fams direction, the most creative thing I can produce is a steam sketch on the shower door.

Which reminds me...I need to leave a note for the cleaning lady not to Windex away my one and only artistic moment this week.

I really need to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Lucky for me, I have plenty of time.

I am attending a wedding this weekend of a couple that have no business hanging out together let alone committing to one another for life. The groom is close personal friend that I have know for 15 years. I really would like to smack the shit out of him but I suppose people need to make their own mistakes.

Even if that mistake involves a manipulative bitch that is only marrying him for his money.

He has managed to put her off and avoid the marriage for a while now. The irresponsible jerk impregnated her three years ago. Apparently the pill she was taking religiously failed.

cough cough

Of course I blame him just as much. When you have a couple of mil in the bank you bag that sucker when sticking it in someone you're barely dating. Inserting his dick into her was like him inserting a dollar into a slot and she hitting the jackpot.

Ding Ding Ding. You have won five thousand dollars in month in child support for the next 18 years.

Maybe he just figures marrying her will be cheaper.

cough cough

She already commandeered his Maserati that he bought for himself this past year. I guess the baby is safer in that than the Lexus SUV he bought her two years ago. Gotta think about the little one....

So I'll get all buttoned up and beautiful. Give the little slut a hug and a congratulations through clenched teeth and enjoy the seventy five thousand dollar reception that she just had to have.

I mean in her case, you only get married three times. Why elope to Vegas when you can be as ostentatious as possible?

If nothing else, I am certain I have weeks of entertaining gossip ahead of me.


Jay said...

At least the food should be good and the champagne expensive at the reception. I don't do weddings, but receptions can be fun. ;-)

Libby said...

shit, christine! it sounds like this could possibly get ugly in a couple he making her sign a pre-nup?

coffeypot said...

Weddings are a drag. At least funerals have FUN in the name.

Special K said...

Well this just pisses me off. Why didn't I think of finding me a millionaire? Damn.

Christine said...

Oh yeah..definite prenup but she still gets $100,000 and a house if they break up.

Apparently she isn't as confident in "til death do we part" as she should be.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like a good deal for her!
Not so much for him.

Lol@ widest ass

Anonymous said...

Its why I keep all my cash in yellow Iron, not as liquid that way

Sean / razorbeck

Burfica said...

sounds like a couple I went to school with, constantly breaking up. Then her dad (who was the rich one) said he would buy them a nice big three bedroom house if they went to the jp or to vegas, or he would give her a fancy wedding, her choice. the dumb ass chose the wedding. Her dress alone was close to 100,000 WTF????

I laugh now, cuz they are divorced and she lives in a travel trailer in her grandma's back yard with her twin girls, and loser drunk boyfriend. hahahahahahah

Olly said...

...and remember - it is in very poor taste to get caught humming the death march as she comes down the isle. Got quite a few dirty looks for that once, lol.

OneHungMan said...

Yep, people need to make mistakes to learn from them.

Terry said...


I just can't get this picture of your wide ass out of my mind now. :(

Jenny Fabulous said...

I would get in the book for "laziest person after 5:00." I swear, by the time I deal with getting screamed at all day at work for doing my job, by the way, all I wanna do when I get home is watch what I TiVo'd the night before which is really some stupid reality show. I can't handle a serious show! I need to be entertained after working all day. I can't even sketch something useable on the shower door! I cringe if the kids are here and they ask me for help with homework! God help them when they have to turn that shit in to the teacher the next day cause I can't fucking function. I sound like I'm in an support group for lazy people or something....
"I'm Jenny Fab and I'm useless after 5:00 pm."

The Girl You Don't Bring Home to Momma said...

Oh I just love slut gossip, can't wait for the update on this wedding.