Thursday, February 26, 2009

I Love My New Doctor.

I had a few questions about diet and exercise and he cleared things right up for me.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life, is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. . What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all.. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain,Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

I advise you all to take this brilliant physician's advice as well.

I am leaving town for a few days for my birthday. That will give you all a few more days to shop and save up the money for that perfect piece of jewelry.

Behave and keep the light on for me.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Here's a question for ya. What would a normal person not put into their bag in the middle of February when taking the fam to the county fair?

If you guessed sunscreen, you would have a nasty burn just like I do.

Okay, true it is Florida and that tropical sun can be a bitch but it is FEBRUARY.

Ouch...fuck..ouch..shit....enuff said.

The fair was fun. Lots of fat and cholesterol in the form of funnel cakes and potato ribbons piled high with chili, some kind of "meat" and cheese. We heard there was a new treat...chocolate covered bacon, but alas, we couldn't find the vendor and will never know the pleasure to the palate offered by that new concoction.

Throughout my 20 years of being a mommy and taking snot nosed brats to the fair, I have learned a few tricks that, as a public service, I will pass on to any young parents out there that have yet to have the pleasure…

1. Bring a big bag because every G-d damn thing the kids will accumulate, you have to hold.

2. Bring a big bag you don't like because you will be handed stuff that is never meant to go in a purse. Half eaten candy apples. Cokes that don't quite have the cap tightened enough. Cotton candy paper cones that have just enough sugary goodness on it that you won’t be permitted to throw it away. And every crappy prize that they are so excited about winning that you’ll schlep around for hours just for them to not give a shit about it ten minutes after they get home.

3. Don't put your cell phone or ipod in above stated bag. Getting candy apple out of the crevices can be a real bitch.

4. Bring wet ones. Cotton candy stuck to the face will turn black with grime the first time the wind blows that good ole carnival dirt around.

5. Do NOT stand next to or near a Carney. I don't know if they have running water in those little trailers in which they travel from town to town but if they do, it seems to be rationed by the teaspoon along with the soap.

6. Speaking of Carnies, if you have breast and you happen to glance in an area that happens to have a Carney around, they take that as an invitation to flirt with you. You do not want to make eye contact or try to be polite. Not only due to #5 but because they are bound to have a break coming in the next five minutes and will follow you in hopes of getting off the road and moving their smelly ass in for a well needed rest on your tab.

7. Kids will want to play games. It isn't enough that you've already blown fifty bucks on tickets so they can spin, twist and go upside down. The trick is to give the kid ten dollars in singles, tell them it is all they get for games, and stand back. When those little hands count out those crumbled bills to hand over to the Carney, even the hardest ass won't take advantage of them. Twenty minutes later they will return with ten stuffed animals, two posters. four yoyos and a gold fish.

8. “Lose” the goldfish while they ride one last ride.

9. Get their hand stamped “just in case we come back later”. True you have no intention of doing this but the mere suggestion it may happen will get you the fuck out of there while you still have fifty cents in your pocket.

10. County fairs have horses. Horses don’t use bathrooms to relieve themselves. Horses shit A LOT. Horse shit will smell up a car even after you are positive you got ever little bit out of the carpet. Thus, make sure you walk ahead and for G-d sake…. keep your head DOWN.

11. Be grateful it only comes to town once per year. That is just enough time to forget the dirt, sore feet and tummy aches and replace it all with fond family memories.

12. But most of all…if the fair occurs in the south..don’t forget to have lots of aloe at home.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

I have made plans to take my bratty kid to Washington DC for spring break this year.

I want her to get used to doing educational things during vacations so she isn’t tempted to go to Daytona Beach and appear on Girls Gone Wild videos when she grows boobs. (Or begins dating them.)

I figured we can go to Washington and see the Liberty Bell, the Statue of Liberty and the Old North Church……

Yeah, whatever. You never know, they could be on tour.

I thought it would be neat to arrange a play date with Sasha and Milia but apparently they are all booked up spreading their father’s message of peace and fairness in the world. Oh, and playing with their new easy bake oven.

Apparently in order to even see inside the White House you need to have a group of ten to be considered. To make it even more difficult, it isn’t like I can pick up some homeless people on the National Mall at the last minute. They actually want to know the group and the names of the visitors. Those uptight bastards won’t even accept names like Bertha the Bag Lady and Willy the Wino. And I thought this was a free country. HA!

So I am writing my girl Michelle and asking her to sneak us in. After all I did donate $12.62 to her husband’s campaign. I figure she owes me.

If that doesn’t work out I am guessing we can do all the other boring shit like seeing the monuments, enjoy the architecture of the city and visit the Smithsonian. Yawn.

I wonder if they have a Chuck E Cheese?

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

My job is boring the living crap out of me.

I've been thinking about getting the hell out of dodge for so long now but with this economy, I haven't had any decent options from head hunters in months.

The same damn faces, the same damn stupid questions, the same stinky bathroom across the hall....

The same 12 hour days only to come back and do it all over again. The same type of employees with different faces but just as stupid. The same parking lot, the same places for lunch the same gym that I avoid in the same way.

The same swivel chair in the same office with the same pictures on my desk. The same business attire with the same type of shoes and the same boring jacket.

The same G-d Damn songs on my itunes!!!

Fuck this.

(This cranky moment has been brought to you by Crack Cocaine. When your life is boring you, it offers the excitement of going to bad areas for drug deals, crawling on the floor and picking through the carpet for crack pieces, giving blowjobs for a hit and even the challenge of avoiding incarceration. Crack Cocaine...for the change you need.)

Friday, February 13, 2009

How Romantic

For those of you that stopped by and saw my last post, I have deleted it. I have never been on the receiving end of so much hate email. Well if you exclude the people I have fired or back into in the parking garage.

It is a JOKE site people...chill the fuck out.

Dark humor in an attempt to sell tee shirts. No animals were harmed in the making of that video.

In further news, when I am not supporting kitten cruelty, I have been attempting to co exist with SCM in peace and harmony.

Yeah..not happenin'

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day which posses a dilemma. Do I get the stinky bastard a card with all the sappy sentiments that I don't feel or should I just write my own? Here are a few I have been tossing around...

Roses are red, violets are blue
Why do you smell like you've stepped in dog doo?

Here's your card pretty and red
I am trying to forget you suck in bed.

Thanks for the steak and the strawberry feeding
and the look on your face when I told you Im bleeding.

or simply

On this special day of love I have just one thing to say to you...


I think I'll go with that one.

For those in love, have fun.

For those who can't wait until Sunday?

I feel your pain.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

I am playing hooky today. I am doing this because I had trouble sleeping last night and decided I would keep my cranky ass home rather than make everyone at work miserable.

I am considerate in this way.

I hate fucking insomnia.

I am sure many of you have heard of the disease Restless Leg Syndrome? Rumor has it a drug company came up with a drug and then had to create the disease to accompany it.

Capitalism or cynicism?

I have suffered from this affliction since childhood. I never knew what it was. It was actually kinda kewl to be able to put a name to the torture of feeling like your legs and ankles have little bugs inside the muscles and joints. RLS doesn't make people inadvertent beat the living shit out of their bed companion. What it does is make it really hard to get comfortable. Hence the insomnia last night. The only way to relieve the annoyance is to walk around. Since I have never been a sleep walker and it is too late to take it up now, I stay awake.

And no, I am not taking any drugs for it. It doesn't happen enough to warrant putting another pill in my body daily unless it will get me high. As far as I know, it doesn't.

Hmmm, but maybe I should look into that. I could be missing out.

I think it may be caused by stress and adrenaline since right before I tried to sleep, I almost burned the house down trying to make some wheat toast. Three smoke alarms blaring and two yappy dogs yapping doesn't make for a restful night.

In other news, I had a disagreement with a young person recently about whether a man and woman can be friends after getting naked together. She claimed it was possible and I don't see it. The issue was a boyfriend that wanted to remain friends and hang out with an ex girlfriend. The current girlfriend had a problem with this...

Ya think?

In my mind, once a man gets laid, he always has that in the back of his mind. He may be able to control the urge to act on it, but once a fuck buddy, always a fuck buddy...if only mentally.

Skippy may enjoy her company and may have full intention of never slipping her the ole salami again but the past and the desire will always be there.

This: Hmmm, look at those titties poking out of that low cut shirt..I wonder if I get her to lean over, I'd get a better view. Those were some damn nice titties

Instead of this: Man I wish Petunia would cover up those breasts. She may catch cold.

What say you?

Monday, February 9, 2009 I should say something to those of you that are still hangin' in there and dealing with my crappy blogging habits.

Honestly, it isn't because I have such a busy life that I can't find time to fit this blogging thing in..

It is pure laziness and not having a fucking thing to say.

I can talk about my job and my shitty lazy ass employees but I've done that.

I can write about SCM but he is at the house doing all my laundry at the moment so I'll be nice until he is done. Or until I evaluate the ironing and amount of starch he used...

Oh of my half way decent employees just walked in and gave me two weeks notice. Damn it, I knew she had a funny look on her face when I sent her back to Starbucks four times to get the correct about of foam in my latte.

Yeah...this sucks. Not that there aren't two hundred people waiting to fill her job but it took me a long time to teach her to kiss my ass with the correct about of pressure. The bitch has NO RIGHT to want to go back to school and improve her mind.

Why does everything always have to be about her???

So if anyone is looking for a job that pays little more than minimum wage, expects you to use your personal vehicle for errands and you enjoy working for a total shrew with perpetual PMS, I have just the position for you.

In the meantime, I will go check out your blogs and live vicariously through you kids.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

In order to avoid work and/or slicing my wrists as I contemplate my meaningless existence, I decided to blog hop for a while.

I came across this entry from a blogger that I have never read before and got a kick out of what she thought the lyrics of the Seal song "Kiss from a Rose" were.

"Now that the rose isn't bruised/A light hits the glue on the grapes".

And now that your rose is is in bloom/A light hits the gloom on the grey

It got me thinking of how many songs I have totally fucked up in my lifetime as I belted out one ditty after another off key with the radio.

Often in the presence of others.


For instance, I always wondered how the Beatles knew Lucy in the Sky had bowel problems

"A girl with colitis goes by"


Why England Dan and John Ford Coley thought that

"a warm wind was blowing the stars around"

in Really Love to See you Tonight?

How about how one feels like

"A handle on a chain"

from STP Interstate Love Song?

So spill it. What lyrics did you find out you were singing completely wrong?

And on that note....I am going out to try and find some joy in my miserable pathetic little life.