Thursday, February 26, 2009

I Love My New Doctor.

I had a few questions about diet and exercise and he cleared things right up for me.


Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life, is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. . What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all.. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain,Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

I advise you all to take this brilliant physician's advice as well.

I am leaving town for a few days for my birthday. That will give you all a few more days to shop and save up the money for that perfect piece of jewelry.

Behave and keep the light on for me.

11 comments:

Jay said...

I totally agree with all of that. Especially the beer part. Actually, Guinness is even healthier than other beers. So you can have more of it. ;-)

Olly said...

So...is this doctor taking on new patients? How loose is he with the prescription pad?

Anonymous said...

I think he missed a point

liquor is just beer with all the unnescasary water removed

jewelry? will nipple rings do?

Sean the Obtuse Canadian

Special K said...

I think it would totally be worth it for me to drive to FL to see him! HEE!
I kinda do believe #1 though. My cousin jogs 5 miles a day, doesn't eat red meat, drink or smoke and eats organically.
His Mom and Dad both had heart attacks by 45.
So did he. Also? His cholesterol was, 1,249?
WTF?
I am a diabetic, don't excercise, swallow donuts whole and mine is 199, borderline bad but not thousand mark.
Oh and my parents (who are also diabetic and love to eat) have low cholesterol as well.
I believe in you are dealt a genetics card at birth. There maybe ways to prolong the inevitable but you only live once and hell not that long so go for it! :)

M Chickk said...

Happy Birthday! Have a great trip!

coffeypot said...

Doctors give me shots, prescribe expensive prescriptions and stick their finger (I think) up my ass. I don't go unless I am near death or feel like an ass poking. But he sounds like a very good doctor. How big are his fingers?

Oh, yeah! Happy Birthday, too.

Alex said...

I want to know where this doctor is too!!

Happy Birthday!

Alex said...

I want to know where this doctor is too!!

Happy Birthday!

Libby said...

happy birthday, chris!this was good, just another reason to visit florida, right??
and coffeypot, you're okay as long as he doesn't have BOTH hands on your shoulders during the exam!

CrystalChick said...

Happy Birthday. :)
I like your new Doctor.
I'm crazy for the veggie cocoa bean.

GiGi said...

LMAO at this. Thanks!