Monday, December 8, 2008

My Annual Christmas Update.

Dear Friends and Family,

It has been a typical year for us. I was widowed again this year from husband number four or five; I can’t quite remember only that none of the bastards left me any money after their untimely poisonings, I mean deaths.

I still owe more than the trailer is worth and after perusing the yellow pages for an arson professional, they all seemed too busy to take on any new business. I’ve decided to seek an ambitious teenager looking to make a few extra bucks for the holidays.

Bubba Jr is still in prison on that bullshit robbery charge. There are many people that choose to wear ski masks in July and that gun wasn’t even loaded! As usual, the system just like to pick on the underdogs who are just trying to help their family put food on the table.

My second eldest son is still dealing drugs and making a killing. It seems like the one thing the depressed economy doesn’t effect is the need for daily chemical vacations from reality. He has also expanded his business by putting a few whores out on the street. He is my little entrepreneur and I am so very proud. He has his bitches selling blow jobs and crack at the same time. The only problem is they tend to sample a bit too much of the merchandise but he is working hard on solving that problem. I have no doubt he will come up with a reasonable solution in no time at all.

My daughter is in the 7th grade already and has finally learned to count to ten. I am so very proud of her as well. Next month she will start on her ABCs. I was highly encouraged when she insisted she is only interested in renting R rated movies at the video store last week. One letter down, 21 to go.

The dog continues to shit all over the furniture. We’ve given up training him and found it much easier to simply just join him. We keep some toilet paper under the sofa and shove it under the cushions when used. You’d be surprised how fast you get used to the smell!

The lawsuit with our neighbors is still in progress. They claim the four bikes in their garage where stolen by our family. We are contending that since the garage door was not closed, the finders keepers rule applies in the situation. Being the good neighbors we are, we did invite them over for coffee to try to resolve the situation amicably but for some reason, they couldn’t tolerate the scent of my new perfume as they entered into the house. At least that is what I think it was.

The fire department was called earlier this year to get the baby off the roof yet again. I am so proud of that little monkey shimming up the drain pipe with his blankey and thumb in his mouth. He does so enjoy the ride down the ladder. I am all for cheap entertainment since my welfare checks barely covers my cigarettes and gin, let alone any kind of games or movies. Of course none of their dead beat fathers worked long enough to entitle their sprogs to any social security so I am forced to be mother of the year sacrificing my entire life for these joyous gifts from God.

Hope your family is doing just as well. Best Wishes for a Merry Christmas and remember, if you’d like to contribute to the legal fund to get Junior out of jail, I accept PayPal only. Peace and goodwill to all.


The Girl You Don't Bring Home to Momma said...

OMG......My husband's cousin sends us an update letter every year - and we talked about doing just what you did and sending it out to the family for a good laugh or shock. Brillant !!!!!

Special K said...

I am LMAO at the comment above me because it is my husband's cousin that we get this dreaded thinly veiled brag letter from every year too. I too would like to send one like you did and last year on my blog I did just for shits and giggles. It was uplifting! HEE!

Christine said...

I have every intention of really enclosing it this year. You all are my practice audience. LOL

Anonymous said...

a little too much red, not enough neck

Sean the obtuse Canadian

Jenny Fabulous said...

ohhh tooo funny! Some of that sounds wayyyyy to familiar!

OneHungMan said...

Does the second eldest son provide a discount if you purchase drugs and rent a whore?

Libby said...

oh, christine, sign me up as a regular on your christmas mailing list i would give ANYTHING to actually get a christmas brag letter like that so i could show it off!!

Alekx said...

Have you been spying on my household. This sounds a little bit to much like our year. OHHH maybe you are that neighbor that never wears a bra with the worn out white tee shirt. I'm watching you missy.

Slick said...

Oh geeeezus, and I thought I was a redneck! ;)