SCM is still being nice to me G-d Damn It! How am I supposed to make fun of him when he is so damn appreciative. I am horrified that this new attitude will continue forever and I may be stuck with him with no excuse to dump his ass.

Say it ain't so.

I will take you back dear kids to early last week. I called home from the office as I always do to see how the princess's day went and what shit was SCM up to. She informed me that Daddy was laying down and she was doing her home work.

Okay, typical day. SCMs napping after utilizing all his energy to drive the mini van over to the school to pick up the kid. Since he required this long rest daily, the process of battling soccer moms for the best place in line really must be exhausting. I told her I would bring home dinner and hung up. When I arrived home, roasted chicken and potato salad in hand, SCM was awake and watching TV.

"I don't feel that great," he said.

Now there's a shocker. I wonder if he thinks he has a brain tumor again or his appendix is about to burst? Maybe it is simply being lethargic from sleeping 18 hours out of every 24. I offer no sympathy at all.

He whines louder. "No, seriously, I have been having this weird pain in my chest since yesterday on and off. I think it may have been the raw onions I put in my lunch salad the last two days".

Take a tums I offer ever the loving and helpful wife.

The evening continues, the kid is sent to bed, dishes are cleaned up and SCM returned to complain about pain and asking what he should do.

"Do you want me to take you to the damn hospital" I snapped. "I'll just wake up someone to watch the kid while you get told to stop eating raw onions on an empty stomach. Don't worry, I can work on no sleep while I sit up all night and pat your hand waiting for them to send your ass home." Whaaa Poor Me Poor Me.

When he says his pain is radiating down his left arm, I concede that maybe there is something going on.

So I do what every one does in this situation. I google it.

Warning Signs of a Heart Attack.

Chest discomfort. Most heart attacks involve discomfort in the center of the chest that lasts for more than a few minutes, or goes away and comes back. The discomfort can feel like uncomfortable pressure, squeezing, fullness, or pain. CHECK


Discomfort in other areas of the upper body. Can include pain or discomfort in one or both arms, the back, neck, jaw, or stomach. CHECK


Shortness of breath. Often comes along with chest discomfort. But it also can occur before chest discomfort. NOPE


Other symptoms. May include breaking out in a cold sweat, nausea, or light-headedness. LIGHTHEADED CHECK (Personally I think that is a normal state for him but whatever. I concede the check)



"Let me take a shower and if you're no better after that, we will make some calls," I said.

Now some of you kids may think I am insensitive to think about showering when SCM feels he is having a heart attack but I am still of the mind set that he will burp and fart a few times and will be fine. After listening to his complaints all night, I didn't want to have to wake up early the following day to shower before work.

I stepped into the shower, washed my hair, conditioned, loffahed, shaved, other typical self cleaning behavior when I saw flashing lights reflecting on the wall from the bathroom window.

W.T.F.? Of course my first thought was that something was going on with the neighbors. I threw a robe on and went out into the living room only to be greeted by an EMT opening up my front door.

"Fire Department. Someone call for an ambulance"?

Errrrrr...

SCM comes out of his room clutching his chest, chewing on an aspirin and swigging a Corona. The heart attack remedy his on line gaming friend advised when he told him he thought he was having a heart attack.

It soon becomes clear that when I got into the shower, SCM was hit with terrible pain that made him fall to his knees so he called 911. He offers that he feels stupid and he feels much better now.

So I stand in my robe with my hair dripping down my back surrounded by 5 rather hunky fireman and EMT workers who are trying to assess the situation. Meanwhile my daughter is sound asleep in bed not hearing a thing.

To Be Continued...