Wednesday, September 9, 2009




SCM is still being nice to me G-d Damn It! How am I supposed to make fun of him when he is so damn appreciative. I am horrified that this new attitude will continue forever and I may be stuck with him with no excuse to dump his ass.

Say it ain't so.

I will take you back dear kids to early last week. I called home from the office as I always do to see how the princess's day went and what shit was SCM up to. She informed me that Daddy was laying down and she was doing her home work.

Okay, typical day. SCMs napping after utilizing all his energy to drive the mini van over to the school to pick up the kid. Since he required this long rest daily, the process of battling soccer moms for the best place in line really must be exhausting. I told her I would bring home dinner and hung up. When I arrived home, roasted chicken and potato salad in hand, SCM was awake and watching TV.

"I don't feel that great," he said.

Now there's a shocker. I wonder if he thinks he has a brain tumor again or his appendix is about to burst? Maybe it is simply being lethargic from sleeping 18 hours out of every 24. I offer no sympathy at all.

He whines louder. "No, seriously, I have been having this weird pain in my chest since yesterday on and off. I think it may have been the raw onions I put in my lunch salad the last two days".

Take a tums I offer ever the loving and helpful wife.

The evening continues, the kid is sent to bed, dishes are cleaned up and SCM returned to complain about pain and asking what he should do.

"Do you want me to take you to the damn hospital" I snapped. "I'll just wake up someone to watch the kid while you get told to stop eating raw onions on an empty stomach. Don't worry, I can work on no sleep while I sit up all night and pat your hand waiting for them to send your ass home." Whaaa Poor Me Poor Me.

When he says his pain is radiating down his left arm, I concede that maybe there is something going on.

So I do what every one does in this situation. I google it.

Warning Signs of a Heart Attack.

Chest discomfort. Most heart attacks involve discomfort in the center of the chest that lasts for more than a few minutes, or goes away and comes back. The discomfort can feel like uncomfortable pressure, squeezing, fullness, or pain. CHECK


Discomfort in other areas of the upper body. Can include pain or discomfort in one or both arms, the back, neck, jaw, or stomach. CHECK


Shortness of breath. Often comes along with chest discomfort. But it also can occur before chest discomfort. NOPE


Other symptoms. May include breaking out in a cold sweat, nausea, or light-headedness. LIGHTHEADED CHECK
(Personally I think that is a normal state for him but whatever. I concede the check)



"Let me take a shower and if you're no better after that, we will make some calls," I said.

Now some of you kids may think I am insensitive to think about showering when SCM feels he is having a heart attack but I am still of the mind set that he will burp and fart a few times and will be fine. After listening to his complaints all night, I didn't want to have to wake up early the following day to shower before work.

I stepped into the shower, washed my hair, conditioned, loffahed, shaved, other typical self cleaning behavior when I saw flashing lights reflecting on the wall from the bathroom window.

W.T.F.? Of course my first thought was that something was going on with the neighbors. I threw a robe on and went out into the living room only to be greeted by an EMT opening up my front door.

"Fire Department. Someone call for an ambulance"?

Errrrrr...

SCM comes out of his room clutching his chest, chewing on an aspirin and swigging a Corona. The heart attack remedy his on line gaming friend advised when he told him he thought he was having a heart attack.

It soon becomes clear that when I got into the shower, SCM was hit with terrible pain that made him fall to his knees so he called 911. He offers that he feels stupid and he feels much better now.

So I stand in my robe with my hair dripping down my back surrounded by 5 rather hunky fireman and EMT workers who are trying to assess the situation. Meanwhile my daughter is sound asleep in bed not hearing a thing.

To Be Continued...

13 comments:

Shiny Rod said...

Sounds like he's experiencing a life changing event. Will it last, maybe. I think that heart attack woke his butt up. Physical pain is a mean motivator.

The Dish said...

Scary, Chris. Hopefully Shiny is right and it will change him. And he really did have the warning signs for one. It is hard to listen and/or sympathize when they are all so often whiny little bitches.

Vinomom said...

Yes, if they didn't whine incessantly, then we would be more likely to believe them when they were having heart attacks. It's like the Boy Who Cried Wolf.

I hope this has been the wake up call he needs.

Karen said...

I couldn't help but chuckle when you had to take a shower first. My brother did that when my sis in law's water broke. She was in labor and miserable and my brother wanted to shower and shave. I am just glad he ok. Let's hope the niceness lasts.

GiGi said...

Glad your daughter was asleep while this happened...that may have really freaked her out.

Christine said...

Rod: I think you may be right. He really seems different. I just hope it lasts for his sake. His constant anger can't be good for his heart.

Dish and Vino: OMG he is such a whiney bitch. I don't recall many days when he said he was feeling fine. There is always some complaint or another. I think it is a male thing since an ex boyfriend was always complaining he was sick too. When I called him on it, he said it wasn't true but I rarely met anyone with more headaches, colds, coughs and aches and pains as he complained of.

Karen: Originally when I wrote the post I left out why I took a shower. It then seemed to me that I looked like a total self centered vain bitch that I wanted to look fresh as a daisy for the hospital and that certainly wasn't the point. LOL at your bro though. Actually he probably knew he was going to be spending hours or days at the hospital and didn't want to start off feeling yucky.

GiGI: Yup, sound asleep AND the living room is right next to the master bedroom which she had crashed in that night. The dogs were locked in with her and were going nuts and I was afraid they would wake her so I put them out on the patio and let them freak out there. Better to wake the neighbors than my kid. hehe

The Girl said...

Ummmm, I'm going to wait to make my comment until part II - but Holy Shit girl, you didn't punch him right then and there. Where the Smoke Eaters hotties at least?

Christine said...

They were all gorgeous. Too bad my husband was busy having a heart attack or I would have been flirting my ass off. I was half naked already. :-)

razorbeck said...

You should have sent him off to the hospital while the rest stayed and helped you rescue the cat out of a tree

Libby said...

...well, christine...at least you were all cleaned up & fresh as a daisy when the hotties showed up!

Libby said...

looking forward to part 2!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I know about the aspirin part of having a heart attack, but I didn't think it included beer! LOL.

It is hard to take them seriously when they complain so often about every tiny thing. I swear, if I had a dollar for every time the Evil Twin had "the flu", I'd be a very wealthy gal.

Coffeypot said...

Why do you need an excuse to dump his ass? I think you have years of excuses to perform the exorcism.

But now you have to keep him around - if his life insurance is paid up.