Sunday, September 27, 2009

If I wrote a blind blog on another sight describing SCMs attributes, some of you might actually be jealous. My life’s lament is trying to find someone that has those same attributes but doesn’t smell like road kill, smoke like a chimney, has a temper that goes from zero to fucking insane in 2.3 seconds and threatens to kill me and himself when we separate for the hundredth time.

Everyone has their faults but a murder/suicide tends to cause more problems than forgetting to put out the garbage.

Not to mention the stupid shit he does but it is true that people can get used to anything and I am so accustomed to SCM fucking up whatever he attempts, it is really a high when he actually does something right!

Hey, we take happiness where we can get it.

When SCM and I live apart, I miss him. I miss the love and attention he gives me. I miss having the laundry done, and dinner cooked when I get home. I miss having the house picked up and a new plant in the front door flower pot each month to match the season. I miss him coming into my room to tuck me in no matter what time he drags his stinky ass home or who he was with that night. I miss him telling me how great I look no matter what I am wearing or if I have makeup on or not. I miss him buying clothes for me that are three sizes to small because he sees me the exact same way as the skinny clerk that helped him in the store. I miss getting flowers for no reason and well thought out gifts when there is an occasion.

I miss the “I Love You” texts and his friends telling me that all he talks about is how lucky he is that I am still his wife and haven’t signed the divorce papers. I miss him bragging about me. I miss the fact that when we go out to dinner after ten years he still treats it like a date, opening doors, ordering for me (He even pays now…shocking I know.)

Unfortunately, the bad outweighs the good which is why I really do need to move on and sign those papers. No, the bad doesn’t outweigh the good. The bad is just very very bad despite its infrequency. The bad is dangerous and frightening because that is what you get when you mix an under medicated bipolar with a temper tantrum.

I was totally ready to pack up and sign those papers with my last boyfriend but when he left, it just seemed pointless to go without the above (and the money he pays to live in the house). He had many of the same attributes when we were together but that wasn’t often enough to fill the gap. Maybe I am afraid to be alone but aren’t we all really alone when the day is done?

Dr. Todd is starting to mention me signing the divorce papers so that relationship is just about over as far as I can tell. There will be an ultimatum coming disguised as a conversation about his expectations and he will lose. Well, maybe we both will. However, I am not going to get involved with another man that I am settling for. Yes he is smart, and fun and attractive in a Woody Allen kind of way. But there isn’t any….spark….I know that tends to fade as time goes on however, it should be there in the beginning.

Fortunately, or unfortunately depending how you look at it, I never slept with him so now I am going on 7 months since I had sex. I am becoming a tad cranky. Even though SCM lives on the other side of the house, that journey would be a hell of a lot more complicated than just padding through the kitchen.

I wonder what a male prostitute goes for these days? Naaaa, it would just be my luck to end up with the guy from the cartoon.


Karen said...

I am proud that you can see how the bad outweighs the good. For me that never happens. You have to do what makes you happy.

And that includes going out to a bar, having a few drinks and picking up a guy to scratch your itch!

Coffeypot said...

Karen, that can be more dangerous than SCM's temper. Chris, I'll do it. I mean, what are friends for if not for a little pickle tickle every now and then?

Shiny Rod said...

I feel your pain too! I've been high and dry for almost 6 months now. I am looking for Ms Right. I could have the right now but I am not gonna cultivate a relationship after the sex. I want to know this is the right woman in my life before I make the commitment.

Golden To Silver Val said...

HA....have you ever met BOB? Nice guy...never talks back, never cheats on you, never leaves the seat up. Of course he's not much of a conversationalist...and you can't take him out in public but nobody's perfect.

Libby said...

christine...that kinda sux that he's good, but not IT...if there's no spark at the beginning, there's definitely not gonna be one at the end, right? this is the reason to be friends (maybe with benefits?)! huh...and here we thought relationships were hard when we were teenagers! Who knew?

Evil Twin's Wife said...

Do you think it would make a difference if you asked him to stop smoking, bathe properly and get on some meds? Aside from those three things (that you mention as negatives), he seems sincere.

At any rate, I agree with Val - BOB makes a handy sub in the sex department when a human is not available. ;-)

Vinomom said...

Personally I am just happy to read this post because it sheds some light on your situation. I think about you and SCM more than I probably should given that I don't actually know you - but I DO know I smart chick when I see (read) one.

I don't have any advice and it's pretty clear you're not looking for any - I almost started to type advice cloaked in an opinion, but whatever. I just hope you find Peace, either way.

And I'm really not usually sentimental like that - but for some reason this post brought it out in me.

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