Sunday, February 28, 2010

Men. The Other Red Meat

It is time I did a post centered around the main theme of this blog. Talk about tangents, I've covered everything from mammograms to the ole yellow gloved finger up the ass and that was just my last post.

Men. No, REAL men. The kind of man that only seems to exist in my imagination.

Since I threatened to blow SCMs head off and leave the brain and blood splatter as a fond memory on my living room world, it is clear me that the relationship has again taken a wrong turn.

Currently I believe he is taking to the authorities about entering the witness protection program.
Since we've established that a REAL man doesn't watch American Idol, perhaps I need to make myself clear as to what a REAL man does do...

1. A REAL man can fix anything back to full working condition using only the shit that is in his garage.
2. A REAL man drives himself to the hospital when he accidentally sliced a chunk out of his leg with the chain saw he was using to build his woman a nice deck.

3. A REAL man knows that when a woman has her hair up and a pair of ratty sweats on, romance isn't in the cards but asking her to pick the DVD while he makes the popcorn is.

4. A REAL man can make a women feel safe even after taking a wrong turn into the worst part of town with only his presence as a weapon.

5. A REAL man has a hobby that is outdoorsy like golf or fishing or playing touch football with his buddies on the weekend. His hobby definitely doesn't involve titty bars, internet porn or hookers.
6. A REAL man can program a DVD to record, change the ring tones on a phone and can find and empty an temp internet folder.

7. A REAL man changes oil, washes his women's car and vacuums it out just because he loves her. He can also shrug off when she points out the water spots he missed.

8. A REAL man understands that his woman may make more than him and isn't emasculated by it but also doesn't spent his time sitting on his ass plotting how to spend it.

9, A REAL man loves Led Zepplin and The Who and not only doesn't know who Keith Urban is, he doesn't give a shit.
10. A REAL man smells like cut grass and soap and not cigarettes and yesterday's underwear.

11. A REAL man can still make his women feel like the most gorgeous women in the room even after she just tripped on her feet and fell on her ass.

12. A REAL man would never own a cat unless his women insisted and then he must pretend to hate it when others are around.

13. A REAL man understands that in a two person working family when he runs a vacuum or cooks dinner he didn't do anyone a favor.

14. A REAL man always fights for the check but will let you win sometimes.

15. A REAL man can tell a good joke and doesn't screw up the punchline.

16: A REAL man will sit on the floor playing a board game with his kids and lets the work emails and calls wait.

Okay, perhaps I am too picky. Maybe I could compromise if someone only had say ,,,fifteen of those traits.

See, I can be flexible.

So if you know a guy like this. Please send him my way. And if you have a guy like? I don't want to hear about it you lucky little shit.

To my lady readers..what do you want in a REAL man?


Karen said...

A real man is satisfied with his woman and not constantly on the look out for a 'better' version.

A real man holds your hand when you are walking through the mall and doesn't walk two miles ahead of because you are too slow.

Four Dinners said...

Well that's me out then...;-)

I can do 15.......

I'll get me coat....

Anonymous said...

I have to say that if I am in ratty sweats and have my hair up, it'd be endearing to me if he wanted some loving. B/C if I look like hell and he's still interested, that's makes me feel good.

I love the cat one. We got our cat b/c I REALLY, REALLY had to have one and he pretends to hate it. But really he loves it.

A real man should always makes you feel like you're the only woman on earth.

Olly said...

Ditto what 3 men and a lady said

Evil Twin's Wife said...

A real man wants to protect his family and takes his job seriously.

But, he's also lighthearted enough to enjoy the fun times and laughs often.

A real man is not afraid to get dirty, but always keeps his hands and nails tidy and clean.

Coffeypot said...

Nope! Don't know any men like that.

Now I am lucky enought to have a great wife, and I much of the stuff you mentioned to and for her. But to tell you the truth, I haven't met many women other than her worth going to all that trouble. So if she will hang around, I'll keep my wife.

French Shelter said...

I am a lucky little shit.

Except my man and I have a fucking
fantastic cat that he treats with
tenderness and love.

Which makes him even more
of a Real Man.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
razorbeck said...

I can do everything but the cat thing, always liked cats because they are quiet and give you your space, oh and you don't have to chase them down the street with a pocketful of baggies.

Though I don't know how I am getting my ample suply of power tools to Florida as they give me the fish eye at the border when I tell them I work construction

razorbeck said...

Border Patrol: Purpose of visit sir?

Me: Cougar hunting

Border Patrol: Any fire arms, cigarettes or Alcahol?

Me: No sir!

Border Patrol: If you don't have a weapon how are you planning to hunt cougars?

Me: Merlot sir or maybe a nice Chirazz

Border Patrol: I see what type of work do you do?

Me: Construction sir, I manage a Heavy Construction Company

Border Patrol: Then would you mind explaining what all the power tools are for?

Me: Props sir, the cougar likes to roleplay helpless housewife and the handyman

Border Patrol: I see, Have a nice day sir and be kind to the wildlife

Me: Oh I plan on it sir I just hope she doesn't plan on being kind to me

Christine said...

Ok..if this was original, you are missing your calling. You need to write for sitcoms.

Special K said...

I got it just the other day. My husband knew what the date on the calendar was and came home with Advil and chocolate without even being told.
He wins at this marriage gig!

The Dish said...

Lucky little shit here. Just saying hello and that I love this post!

tiger said...

I love it! Very creative!That's actually really cool.

Matty said...

Sorry, I'm taken.

Tammy said...

I found 15 of the 16. The 16th item is #12 and I like that he has cats. He both loves and detests them and I have to admit I find that so darned attractive.