Today was the day I dread for the other 364 days, 8736 hours, 524160 minutes...well you get the point...
It was time for my yearly female examination.
There is nothing I enjoy more than laying spread eagle with my feet in stirrups having a virtual stranger shove a metal instrument up my vagjayjay and a gloved finger up my bum. Well, unless you count lighting my cigarette off the stove and setting my eye brows on fire. That was fun too but not quite as much.
What was even more disconcerting is my doctor is very chatty. I am sure your daughter is doing just wonderful at college, making loads of friends and enjoys the meal plan but could you hurry it along a bit? I've got a root canal at 5.
As I squish out bowlegged looking for a rest room to wipe the gobs of lubricant off my bottom, I get handed the dreaded mammogram prescription.
FUCK. Didn't I just have one two or seven years ago? That should be enough. I have to say that I am one of the fortunate women who is well endowed in that area. From what I understand the gals with the itty bitty titties have to get pulled and manipulated a tad more. Me, I just pick those babies up, plop them on the slab and let them go to town.
Hmmm, maybe that was too much information but seeing I already mentioned that a gloved finger was shoved up my ass, this seems benign compared to that.
Only 31 million seconds until my next appointment.