Friday, February 26, 2010



Today was the day I dread for the other 364 days, 8736 hours, 524160 minutes...well you get the point...

It was time for my yearly female examination.

There is nothing I enjoy more than laying spread eagle with my feet in stirrups having a virtual stranger shove a metal instrument up my vagjayjay and a gloved finger up my bum.  Well, unless you count lighting my cigarette off the stove and setting my eye brows on fire.  That was fun too but not quite as much.

What was even more disconcerting is my doctor is very chatty.  I am sure your daughter is doing just wonderful at college, making loads of friends and enjoys the meal plan but could you hurry it along a bit? I've got a root canal at 5.

As I squish out bowlegged looking for a rest room to wipe the gobs of lubricant off my bottom, I get handed the dreaded mammogram prescription.

FUCK.  Didn't I just have one two or seven years ago?  That should be enough. I have to say that I am one of the fortunate women who is well endowed in that area.  From what I understand the gals with the itty bitty titties have to get pulled and manipulated a tad more.  Me, I just pick those babies up, plop them on the slab and let them go to town.

Hmmm, maybe that was too much information but seeing I already mentioned that a gloved finger was shoved up my ass, this seems benign compared to that.

Only 31 million seconds until my next appointment.

No link today.  I am far too traumatized.

14 comments:

Vinomom said...

I had that done not too long ago as well - except I was waay overdue. My 9 year old daughter has been repeatedly saying lately that she wishes she was a boy. I have to kind of agree w/ her. Sometimes it sucks being a woman!

3 Men and a Lady said...

I haven't had the pleasure yet... can't say I'm dying of anticipation either.

Doc said...

That post was very... um descriptive. NOT FUN! Happy Friday though...

Olly said...

I have one every year. Not such a big deal really. The office is so organized that you are in and out of there in 10 - 15 minutes. I just got my "free and clear" letter in the mail on Monday.

Christine said...

That is a disadvantage of working in the medical profession. Nothing is in and out. There are always business conversations that take place. I got in at 9 and left at 11:30 because they wanted to show me their new EMR system.

Four Dinners said...

It's allright for you!!!

Apparently, according to my Doc, I have - because of my 52 years - to make an appointment for a complete stranger to grab my balls from behind, squeeze and then experience some form of liquid like substance emerging from the end of my penis.

I have no idea.

I don't want to have any idea.

I am terrified and in denial.

Swap?

Evil Twin's Wife said...

My OB doesn't stick his finger up my butt. He said he quit doing it years ago, unless there is a family history of colon cancer or if his patient is over 45. I've got 3.5 more years of no butt poking.

Karen said...

My mom was an OB and I go to one of the partners from her practice. I am not sure it is more uncomfortable to have a total stranger look up hooha or to have man that you see at dinner parties and social events down there.

Abood said...

Nasty post, nice blog.


Thumbs up!

SoccerMom said...

Yeah TMI! Thanks for reminding me that I'm freakin due next month and here I thought I wouldn't have to think about it for another 30 days. Thanks man.

simon and josh said...

You said it like it is. & very well, too.

Libby said...

but christine, didnt the govt just say we dont need to get them every year if we've had 3 in a row that were normal?
:-/ you know how much i trust the gov't...

Tgoette said...

Hey thanks for the wonderful play by play there! Seriously, I am dreading the finger up the ass dealio and hope I can manage with as much grace and style as you demonstrated by not crying like a infant. Kudos on the big knockers by the way!

Mrsblogalot said...

Sorry, I couldn't get past the picture.