Oh cranky patients, you are the bane of my existence.
There are three types of nasty ass patients that make me want to rip the script for percocet out of their hands and consume the entire bottle myself;
1. The "I am in pain and you all can fuck yourself" patient. This type of asshole is much easier to deal with than type 2 or 3. After all, if a patient has a legitimate medical condition that makes them a bit testy, I've got to at least sympathize. Even as they are informing me that I am the most inept person on the planet and should be rolled in dog shit and consumed by flies.
2. The "There is nothing physically wrong with me but I will pretend in order to get attention, disability or a big fat lawsuit settlement." Often all three. This is the patient that has quit their job stating a bad injury and gambled their family's financial stability on the outcome of a couple of medical opinions. These contemptible folks think that if they scream really loud and stomp their feet the staff will come up with a disabling diagnoses that will put them on the dole for the rest of their lives. You have to mentally picture a person that thinks they have hit the jackpot by receiving $900 bucks per month for them and a couple of hundred each for their snot nosed brats from social security.
Close your eyes. Got the mental image? Good. Moving on...
3. The "I am a paying customer and I want it done yesterday" patient. These are the people I would gladly throw off the balcony and experience great joy at the resulting splatter. Since they pay their insurance premiums and a copay, they think that everything should stop because they walk in the door. They need a form filled out and are informed that it will take a couple of days to get to? Patient 3 uses their favorite term:
THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE.
Term is also used when they can't get an appointment at 2:30 on a Saturday because they are only available at that time. Or their surgeon of choice was called over to the hospital due to a bad motorcycle accident and would they mind seeing another clinician for their post op check? Or could they get off their cell phone so the nurse can take their vital signs? Unacceptable, Unacceptable, Unacceptable.