Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Momma Mia

My sister called on Saturday.

"Chris, did you know our mother was insane?"

"Yup" I responded, "bye" and hung up.

Actually I didn't hang up but in all seriousness, what is there to say after that?

Let me begin by offering this disclaimer: Mom if you ever read this blog, remember I love and honor you so please don't give my share of the will to the neighbor's cat. Thanks.

I have blogged about my mother in the past and unfortunately, she is no fine wine...she doesn't seem to be improving with age.

I had a happy childhood. Mostly due to the fact that I was too young to know how fucked up it really was. I was unaware that people actually got HUGGED from their parents. That other kids were actually told they were smart and/or pretty and/or talented in some way. As an adult I learned that not every mother chases the kids down with a hairbrush or a wooden spoon when pissed off and belts are actually a tool to hold up ones pants.

Hmmm, who would have thunk it?

But that was then and this is now.

Currently she spends her time trying to see her grandkids while not letting her children know that she really wants to see them. The little dance we play goes like this...

She mentions in a round about way that she is available to watch one of our little monsters. This is followed by an hour or two of begging from us for her to actually see the kids accompanied by a list of conditions and a drop off time with a four minute window. It's her game and in order to remain in her good graces, we all play it. (Did I mention there is a will and her house in a great part of town is fully paid for?)

Ahhh but if this were the only dance...life would be good. But alas, it is one of many. Like the way she spoils her grandkids and then complains about it. Or the fact that she has to micromanage every last detail of every outing. If we by chance come up with a plan that fits her schedule perfectly, she will still throw a few monkey wrenches in to gain back control of a previously settled situation.

My sister's story however, was a little loopy even for her.

Sis wanted to go shopping at the mall to pick up a few things for the house. Since she would have the baby with her, she invited my mom to come and help. After doing the time and place dance, all seemed to be settled. Until my sister asked Mom to meet her at her house which is on the way to the mall.

Mom: No, I don't want to drive and waste my gas so you need to pick me up.

Sis: Mom, you're ten minutes in the other direction so we are wasting 40 extra minutes when you can just drive to the house and we can leave from here. I'll drive and I'll give you five dollars for gas to get here.

Mom: But I gave your nephew five dollars yesterday for gas for his motorcycle.

Sis: Yeah....so?

Mom: Well, if you give me five dollars, I am still OUT five dollars!

Sis: ........

Sis: Never mind, I'll ask Chris.

Of course later that night I had to hear from Mom that Sis dumped her because she would rather go to the mall with me and she is very insulted.

I don't know, I don't think the word insane fully does her justice.


Coffeypot said...

We had the same kind of childhood. I never understood dysfunctional family until after I divorced my ex and started dating and saw what a family could be like. I had no tears for their passing.

Vinomom said...

At least she's interesting. I'm sure it sounds appealing to those of you with the crazy families and all the drama but sometimes I would like to have just a little bit of drama, or a "my mom is driving me insane" story. My family is just plain boring, and we don't really spend enough time together to get on eachother's nerves. I like hearing crazy family stories.

So did you go shopping with Sis?

The Dish said...

My family is pretty normal all in all. Now The Husband's family. They are another story. Too bad I can't write about them anymore...

Christine said...

CP: My parents are the most generous kind people you'd ever want to meet. Mom is just nucking futz.

Vino: Sure I went and it was a very nice day. Brought my daughter along and my son met us there (for the prospect of a free meal out, no doubt which he got).

Yeah Dish..that kinda sucks. If you start a private one, email me the address.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

My parents were very loving and kind people, but as my mom got older, she got nuttier. She would get drunk and then call me with a laundry list of bizarre complaints that she wanted ME to fix. It was very frustrating. My MIL has her own brand of nuttiness too. We call it the B Filter. That is, whatever she hears gets filtered through her brain and is disseminated to others as HER reality, not what was actually said. It's almost as if she makes things up out of thin air and I have caught her up in several lies. We just roll our eyes and deal with it. LOL.

Olly said...

I laughed - until I realized that it could be me writing that post. I think that the older we get, the more we can't stand our families. Maybe it's a defence mechanism for grief for when we don't have them in our lives anymore. Just sayin...

Shiny Rod said...

Nicely done, I enjoyed every bit. If I could talk about my family and get paid for it, I'd be a millionaire. I had a similar upbringing so I can connect with how you feel. My mom's a nut case too but I'll save it for my blog.

Karen said...

I love the cartoon. Too funny. My grandma is whack like that. Her new thing is that she can't go anywhere that she has never been before. FREAK!

Jenny Fabulous said...

Oh my. What a similar life we lead. My mom loves to take pills. One to go to bed. One to wake up. One for the toe she just stubbed....she was worn me out since I got pregnant. The list goes ON and On. I'll blog about some of her tricks someday... very similar!!

GiGi said...

My siblings tell me I am lucky that I do not remember a lot of my early childhood and I know they're right! The planets have to be aligned *perfectly* for us to even drop by my mom's for a visit. It's kind of silly, those rigid guidelines my parents have - I mean, its not like they'll be around forever, you know?

M Chickk said...

We have the same mother?