Friday, May 22, 2009

Warning: Whiny Woe Is Me Post Below.




Okay, last chance. If you don't want to read this weak sappy nauseating post, I suggest you click out now.

Still here? Well, you've been warned.

I admit it, I am a weeny when it comes to love. All my strength and resolve goes out the window and I behave like a teenager that writes I heart U 4-Eva all over my science notebook.

I have been in heart with someone for several years now as some of you kewl kids know and I fear there is a good chance that I will never see or hear from him again. We’ve had our ups and downs…and downs….and downs…. I was hoping he was attempting to get his own mind and life straight before adding a new family to it.

The major issue with all of this is I had this whole future thing planned out with him figuring prominently. When I took the ole scissor out and started clipping, those plans no longer worked.

So at 40 plus years old, I need to figure out what comes next.

SCM moved back in so he could pay some bills and perform baby sitting duties. We aren't intimate and behave like room mates. Lately that hasn’t been going so well with his temper, his lack of self control and his inappropriate behavior. I was biding my time but DING..time is essentially up.

FUCK.

It was so much easier to think the guy was going to swoop in and save the day and that doesn’t seem so likely anymore. I gave him the ole “shit or get off the pot” ultimatum and the pot seems to have been sadly lacking in doodie for the past week. I don't blame him all that much. He has trust and insecurity issues that I thought he could overcome. It is impossible to convince someone that your feelings are honest and true if they keep having doubts.

I played the single parent role with my son and also with my daughter for the year and a half when SCM lived elsewhere and although manageable, it wasn't much fun. Though the worst part is the night. Sleeping alone was bearable because I saw it as a temporary situation but now that one side of the bed is going to be empty for eternity, it is going to take some getting used to. (As well as a lot of batteries).

I love you guys but you can keep the “You’ll find someone else” platitudes. I tried to move on from this a couple of times and I realized that it took me 40 years to find the right fit and I don’t anticipate finding it again. Honestly, I don't want to. I am fine alone and before now preferred it. In time I can learn to again.

I am not looking for sympathy either. I am simply writing this shit down to distract myself from the yucky lump in my throat and boulder in my tummy while waiting for a decison on his part that may never come.

Okay, whine over. Please return to your long weekend, BBQs, sand castles and corn on the cob.

I am going to try to learn how to sleep in the middle of the bed.

6 comments:

vinomom said...

The middle of the bed is good. BF works nights and I would enjoy sleeping by myself if the GD kid and GD dog didn't crowd me in like a sardine. I don't know anything about sardines but apparently they are crowded because that saying is old.

I am probably way too drunk to be leaving comments. I was getting bored of bejeweled on Facebook and thank god you posted and gave me something to read.

I don't know your situation all that well having only been reading for a few months now. I am a shit or get off the pot kind of girl. My BF...not so much. He's been shitting for like five years and I still don't have a fuckin ring.

Well anyways, at 40+ you shouldn't worry about being alone in the middle of the bed. The middle is best cuz it means theres no fucking asshole crowding your space.

Sorry you lost(?) someone important to you. You know the situation better than any of us. I've done it all alone for a lot of years and it's not so bad. Better than tolerating the bullshit IMO.

Good luck - Did I mention I'm extremely buzzzzzzzzed. Sorry if this comment made no sense.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. I hope things turn around soon!

namaste said...

i think i've just fallen in love with vinomom.

anywayz, (((((HUGS!))))

i'm a bed and a bedroom hog. but i also understand your sadness. i am sooo sorry that your heart is aching like this.

i hope you feel better soon.
((((HUGS!))))

Bitchy McBitcherson said...

There is certainly nothing wrong with learning to live alone. Vinomom is right about the bed space too.

Batteries will certainly come in handy. But being your own center is important. Whether you are in a relationship or not. Hope you at least get an answer soon. Then you go from there. Easy said than done, I know.

Libby said...

...chris, i know what you're dealing with, and, it took me a whole year after kev moved out for me to sleep in the middle of my bed, but now? you'd have to fight me for it! & i dated once since...but i'm better by myself...& happier!!

coffeypot said...

(sob, sob, sniffle,sniffle)I love soppy love stories (wipping tears from my eyes)