Okay, last chance. If you don't want to read this weak sappy nauseating post, I suggest you click out now.
Still here? Well, you've been warned.
I admit it, I am a weeny when it comes to love. All my strength and resolve goes out the window and I behave like a teenager that writes I heart U 4-Eva all over my science notebook.
I have been in heart with someone for several years now as some of you kewl kids know and I fear there is a good chance that I will never see or hear from him again. We’ve had our ups and downs…and downs….and downs…. I was hoping he was attempting to get his own mind and life straight before adding a new family to it.
The major issue with all of this is I had this whole future thing planned out with him figuring prominently. When I took the ole scissor out and started clipping, those plans no longer worked.
So at 40 plus years old, I need to figure out what comes next.
SCM moved back in so he could pay some bills and perform baby sitting duties. We aren't intimate and behave like room mates. Lately that hasn’t been going so well with his temper, his lack of self control and his inappropriate behavior. I was biding my time but DING..time is essentially up.
It was so much easier to think the guy was going to swoop in and save the day and that doesn’t seem so likely anymore. I gave him the ole “shit or get off the pot” ultimatum and the pot seems to have been sadly lacking in doodie for the past week. I don't blame him all that much. He has trust and insecurity issues that I thought he could overcome. It is impossible to convince someone that your feelings are honest and true if they keep having doubts.
I played the single parent role with my son and also with my daughter for the year and a half when SCM lived elsewhere and although manageable, it wasn't much fun. Though the worst part is the night. Sleeping alone was bearable because I saw it as a temporary situation but now that one side of the bed is going to be empty for eternity, it is going to take some getting used to. (As well as a lot of batteries).
I love you guys but you can keep the “You’ll find someone else” platitudes. I tried to move on from this a couple of times and I realized that it took me 40 years to find the right fit and I don’t anticipate finding it again. Honestly, I don't want to. I am fine alone and before now preferred it. In time I can learn to again.
I am not looking for sympathy either. I am simply writing this shit down to distract myself from the yucky lump in my throat and boulder in my tummy while waiting for a decison on his part that may never come.
Okay, whine over. Please return to your long weekend, BBQs, sand castles and corn on the cob.
I am going to try to learn how to sleep in the middle of the bed.