A good friend of mine called this morning really pissed off at her husband.

When I say pissed I mean Linda Blair, head turn full around, puke pea soup kind of pissed.

As she was telling me the story I was absolutely horrified at what a beast this man was and if I didn't make it a habit not to interfere with another couple's relationship, I would have advised her to get the best fucking lawyer his money could buy.

I am about to share with you what the fucking bastard did.

Be prepared for something horrible.

That G-d Damn son of a bitch didn't get the trash cans in front of the house early enough for the garbage truck to pick them up.

Yes, it is true.

As she went to leave for work, she noticed her neighbor's homes had their cans upside down and tossed carelessly in the middle of the road where they belong.

Still at the side of the house bursting at the seams with the lid barely holding the contents of last nights meatloaf and Tuesday's pizza box was their cans. The very same cans that she had reminded him to put out front THREE FUCKING TIMES. (She yelled that part so loudly that I said a silent prayer for the poor man)

But that's okay. She has worked out the perfect plan to fix his ass.

Withhold the ole in and out indefinitely.

"If he thinks he is going to get anything stroked, sucked or submerged into cootchie in the near future, he would be sadly mistaken".

Wait....what?

As you kids are no doubt aware, I am certainly no expert on relationships. However, I have learned a thing or two in my 40 something years of male/female negotiations. If you want a man to do what you ask, you increase the bootie, not withhold it.

Face it, he gets the withholding treatment from every other woman on earth. He's used to it. If you're withholding sex, you may as well be Jessica Alba.

He isn't getting any from her either.

What he isn't expecting is you to greet him at the door with Victoria's newest secret and lots of bright red lipstick. Men and their love rockets aren't that difficult to figure out....

If you are smoking the bone regularly, they are happy. If they are happy, they want to keep you happy. Maybe even put the garbage pail out front without you nagging and possibly skipping down the driveway to do it.

I pass these words of wisdom to all you gals that are still young and haven't figured this out yet.

Guys are like tile. Lay them right and you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.