Friday, May 9, 2008

A good friend of mine called this morning really pissed off at her husband.

When I say pissed I mean Linda Blair, head turn full around, puke pea soup kind of pissed.

As she was telling me the story I was absolutely horrified at what a beast this man was and if I didn't make it a habit not to interfere with another couple's relationship, I would have advised her to get the best fucking lawyer his money could buy.

I am about to share with you what the fucking bastard did.
Be prepared for something horrible.

That G-d Damn son of a bitch didn't get the trash cans in front of the house early enough for the garbage truck to pick them up.
Yes, it is true.

As she went to leave for work, she noticed her neighbor's homes had their cans upside down and tossed carelessly in the middle of the road where they belong.

Still at the side of the house bursting at the seams with the lid barely holding the contents of last nights meatloaf and Tuesday's pizza box was their cans. The very same cans that she had reminded him to put out front THREE FUCKING TIMES. (She yelled that part so loudly that I said a silent prayer for the poor man)

But that's okay. She has worked out the perfect plan to fix his ass.

Withhold the ole in and out indefinitely.

"If he thinks he is going to get anything stroked, sucked or submerged into cootchie in the near future, he would be sadly mistaken".


As you kids are no doubt aware, I am certainly no expert on relationships. However, I have learned a thing or two in my 40 something years of male/female negotiations. If you want a man to do what you ask, you increase the bootie, not withhold it.

Face it, he gets the withholding treatment from every other woman on earth. He's used to it. If you're withholding sex, you may as well be Jessica Alba.

He isn't getting any from her either.

What he isn't expecting is you to greet him at the door with Victoria's newest secret and lots of bright red lipstick. Men and their love rockets aren't that difficult to figure out....

If you are smoking the bone regularly, they are happy. If they are happy, they want to keep you happy. Maybe even put the garbage pail out front without you nagging and possibly skipping down the driveway to do it.

I pass these words of wisdom to all you gals that are still young and haven't figured this out yet.

Guys are like tile. Lay them right and you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.


Libby said...

chris-i figured this out a long time ago...oh wait...why am i headed for my 2nd divorce? i must be doing someghing wrong...:-(

Smart Cookie said...

I find your blog so refreshing and real...

Karen said...

When I read things like this I am glad that I am not married. Mundane things like trash cans don't enter my fighting meter. I can fight with my boyfriend about important things like the fact that he wants to play paint ball with his friends instead of going to my nephew's first birthday party.

I don't think more oral pleasure is the solution to my problem. :)

razorbeck said...

Naww Chris you are wrong

Its lay them right every time and you can walk on us for the rest of your life

Special K said...

I hope you gave her a John story to shut her the fuck up and make her appreciate her husband post haste. :)

coffeypot said...

Lier! I put the garbage out every night before the trash man is suppose to pick up and I NEVER get any nookie for doing it.

Olly said...

Ahhh...Life's important lessons. Right here in blogland!

Cazzie!!! said...

OMG, he sure did commit a THE cardinal sin... I wouldn't give him anything either... just to teach him a lesson!

Christine said...

The point is CP that you have to STOP doing it so she takes care of you to do it again.

Must I tell you guys everything?

Heidenschneckenbaum said...

OMG. Lesson learned.

coffeypot said...

And I'm not even a blond. Just gray and thin. And old. And ugly. And suffering from irritable bowl syndrome. And too many other things, but I do get the trash out and I DON’T get laid for it or any other thing. If it wasn’t for my right hand I would go blind.

Terry said...

"smoking the bone" is an expression I like. :)

Burfica said...

Christine--as to the comment you left on my blog, it wasn't you, no worries there. I would out the person, but I'm giving him (not coffey either) one last chance to get their shit together before I go totally off.