Wednesday, May 14, 2008

It is almost 10:30 am and I have not had my morning cigarette or my caffeine fix. I certainly wouldn't want to work for me today.

As many of you know, I run an office with 25-30 employees. It is run by the tier method of management.

In layman terms that means I appoint others to listen to the bullshit so I don't have to. They appoint their peons and so on and so on until the lowly file clerk has ten supervisors driving her crazy asking what the fuck is taking so long with their damn paperwork?!

I simply can't listen to petty bullshit problems. It isn't in me to pretend to give a shit that Mary left early or Susy snapped at Lucy. Those supervisors out there that have the ability to nod and smile through that nonsense have my utmost respect. It simply isn't my style to give a shit.

That being said, a former employee of mine just stopped by for a visit. Well, she actually came by for advice as she has recently been promoted to the head honcho role in her company.

Her question was a simple one..

How do I make my staff afraid of me like your staff is afraid of you so I don't have to bother with the bullshit gossip they bring to me everyday and page me for each night?

I really couldn't help her. See the problem is she actually cared if she was liked. She befriended these people. She asked about their family and pets like she actually gave a shit. In other words, the precedent had already been set and she is fucked unless she wants to fire them all and start over.

Do I like that my employees are afraid of me?

Fuck yeah.

Number one, I only have to deal with things of a professional nature and only after someone tossed a coin in order to decide who has to approach the bitch with the problem.

Number two, I get to walk around like Queen shit while everyone pretends to be working so diligently and sneak up on them when they aren't. Not that I care but I get amused by their oh fuck, the boss just saw me playing solitaire on line face.

When a new employee starts, I always offer the welcome wagon speech about being approachable and talking to me if you have any problems.

I figure someone will get the word to them that seeing Chris is really not a very good idea if you are going to complain about a fellow employee.

I run a successful business with terrific people that I reward generously for doing their job and doing it well. People love working here. So much that the average employee has been with the 12 year old company over six years.

Maybe people would rather work for someone who is their friend and listens to their every complaint from PMS to work place affairs. However, it is rare that those companies succeed. There has to be someone that they all can collectively gossip and bitch about.

I am more than happy to fulfill that role as long as I get my ass kissed in the process.

Excuse me while I buzz the file clerk to find out why I still don't have a fucking cup of coffee sitting in front of me???


razorbeck said...


Chris My employees are scared of me as well and it just comes naturally to me as well. I do think I am reasonably friendly and approachable but enough have seen my unpleasant side to know that I am an animal best avoided

coffeypot said...

You need the sign I had in my office back when I worked and made a living and contributed to society. It read, "The Beatings Will Continue Until The Moral Imporves."

Burfica said...

my employee's are terrified of me.....wait fuck I'm the boss and the employee. hahahahaha

Your my kind of boss though Chris. I worked for a man that had no balls at all, he would let any and everything happen. At least with the guys in the company he would totally yell at and even fire the women.

yeah can anyone say lawsuit. hahahahaha

Olly said...

Great post! My husband and I run a small company. It's just the two of us here except for the odd subcontractor. We occasionally bark at each other, blame each other, etc... Oh yeah...the sexual harassment can be an issue, too;)

Libby said...

chris-tell that former employee just like you said..clean house first!
then ALWAYS come in to work before she has caffeine and a smoke!!

Colin Brooks said...

I like to be liked but office politics were never my thing. I simply can't deal with it. I worked in an office for a year until, roughly, a year ago and everyone was in love with each other in there. There was a line drawn when it came to how friendly we were in the office but as soon as the day was over and we made it to the pub there were hardly any limits. I will only say two words; skinny and dipping.

Everyone was friendly during office hours and that was kind of the policy of the company. If a member of the team does not fit in with the group then they would not be hired and if someone fit perfectly they would get hired even if they weren't the best person for the position. I would not like to work for someone like you but only because I like a friendly atmosphere but who knows maybe some day I will.

I have this instinctive reaction that I cannot control. I am friendly with everyone. And to be honest most of the times I don't want to be. I did not care about all the people I worked with and I certainly wasn't interested in a lot of the things they had to say or bitch about. I have enough of my own personal drama to deal with and I don't care to take anyone else's on too.

Enough of my rambling. You sound a bit like that bitch from the Devil wears Prada. I like it and I think I like you! I want to learn to be more like that.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

You are too funny! That is a grat job and you've got it all worked out perfectly! It''s good that you don't care if the like you or not...And you are so right...It Gives Them Somrone To BITCH About....

zoe said...

My father used to have a print-out of those very sage words of Sartre on the wall of his office, just above his head:


(Hell is other people.)

Heidenschneckenbaum said...

I actually work better for people like you. Not that I on any level think fear = respect, but I just didn't want to get my ass chewed out.

Christine said...

Fear definitely doesn't mean respect. Although it does mean that things get done at least while I am looking hehe

Actually, the respect is earned by treating people fairly, doing little things like saying THANK YOU each night before they leave..rewarding good performance with cold hard cash etc. The fear is just an extra bonus that makes my life more pleasant. :-)

Special K said...

I wouldn't be a good employee, I would be sitting beside you saying where the fuck IS that coffee while lighting one another's cigarettes.

Terry said...

hey chris,

I've done the office thing but couldn't stand the politics of it all. A bit like you. I still remember the back stabbing and bitching of those mofos and I don't miss it one little bit.
You keep putting on this grumpy old fucker act (are you giving me a hint here..) but it aint working. I think you're the dog's bollocks...which is a back handed compliment where i come from.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Are you paying the file clerk to get you coffee? I would, or I'd get it myself. Hell, it appears all you've got to do is wander around....

Heh. I love you.