Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Last night my son came home with his new girlfriend.

Who had more holes in her head than Hillary Clinton had holes in her recollection of actual past events.

She must have had ten earring in each ear, a nose ring, some kind piercing going on over her upper lip and a tongue ring. I assumed she had others but I was spared the trauma of confirmation.

The tongue ring wasn't apparent until we were introduced.

Her name was Missy or Candy or tell you the truth, I think I have post traumatic stress disorder and my memory has blacked out most of the details.

As I lied, "It is very nice to meet you", she replied, "Garble, lisp, lisp, garble click click".

As if all these piercing didn't satisfy her need for self expression and individuality, she also had several very large tattoos. Now I have nothing against tattoos, as a matter of fact, I have a small rose on my ankle, but this one had a very large piece of body art that was hard to miss. There was a pair of angel wings on each one of her arms. She also had some kind of chinese lettering on the back of her neck that I was afraid to ask to have interpreted. Of course no self respecting skank would feel complete without the tramp stamp in keeping with the angel theme.

I inquired whether my son and his friend had met at school and my son informed me that Missy Candy Rainbow was not currently attending school but working on her GED because she decided to drop out to pursue a music career.

All at once, my future flashed before my eyes. My son impregnating this social reject and all three of them moving in with me. Images of this malingerer planting her ass on my sofa all day after the kid is born writing letters and making audition tapes in hopes of getting her big break on American Idol as I give her a weekly ride to pick up her free formula and government cheese.
"Jim, can I talk to you in private for a minute?" I asked with a forced smile.

As he followed me into my bedroom, I told him it was about time I explained the facts of life to him.

He laughed and said he knows all about sex.

Well, good, then you know that if you ever put any part of your body near that girl, you will be killing your mother. Just remember that every thrust will be like putting another knife in my heart.

Now go and have a wonderful time.


Terry said...

Chris - I used to go out with a girl just like her 25 years ago.

If your son's girlfriend is anything like her he'll be having the time of his life, I guarantee it. :-)

We got caught once by her mum who wasn't amused by my zip being caught up with the ring in her tongue. It was purely innocent - that time.

Terry said...

oh god my original comment was written by a dumbass. sorry.

Special K said...

Have your son go to my blog, search the word Athina and then let's see how smart he really is.
Seriously, scare her away, DO SOMETHING NOW!!!

Jay said...

If her music career doesn't work out she can always get a job at Starbucks. ;-)

Jillian said...

Even though the circumstances you receive it under would suck, I have to point out government cheese is pretty damn good. And it's free. So sure, you'd have to raise your grandkid and support the parents as well... but think of the CHEESE. It's good stuff.

Christine said...

Hmmm, I don't think the trade off for the grandbaby is worth the cheese. It would have to be pretty fucking amazing cheese, I'll tell you that.

Christine said...

And why isn't Terry pleased with his original comment. I was ammused. However, I would love to know how such a thing happens "innocently".

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I find myself wishing this weren't true. Gack.

coffeypot said...

You are so funny! I say kill the girl and bury her under the house.

razorbeck said...

Better yet really scare her off and tell her you have been looking for someone for your son to settle down with in domestic bliss. Go buy some bride magazine and tell her what vision you have for their wedding and show her dress designs and then ask when you can expect your first grandchild.

If that doesn't scare her off nothing will

Except maybe stinky cheese man? Arrange introductions immediately

Anonymous said...

RU kidding Razor? If anyone is looking for a meal ticket, this one is. She would hand me a guest list and a menu.

Mr. Fabulous said...

I think I love that girl...

Special K said...

Then quick Mr. Fab, go grab her and save her son!!

razorbeck said...

Yeah but Chris the key is to point out that they will; need to fend for themselves and how she would need to support him through school by working two or three jobs

Anonymous said...

Wow. What a self righteous twat you are. Way to make soo many assumptions about a person just because she modifies her body. Get over yourself you old hag.

Olly said...

Oh oh...I sense a tattooed/pierced lurker in a pissy mood here...

I like the bride magazine ideas!Hopefully she be off soon. Flakes never stick around long.

razorbeck said...

LOL Besides these are modern times go with the flow and get that first marriage and divorce over early so he know what to expect the next time

The Doggy Did It said...

Oh dear god, give me the strength to endure my children's teenage years..

I have already warned all the neighborhood moms to keep their little hussie daughters away from my son.

They are 4 right now.

Libby said...

christine-FIX HER UP ON A DATE WITH SCM!~!! after all, who knows more about music than him?? (just ask him!)!

Karen said...

Very, very funny.

Special K said...

God please keep my mouth shut to anonymous comment: a.k.a. overpierced, tattooed, goth, woe is me teen.
They know not what they do and best stick to things they do know like Amy Winehouse, crack and gaudy shizz.
Don't forget the excess body modifications and tattoos though.

Summer said...

I have step son and he has a wife and they are covered with tatoos and and piercings. They have two children. They are very happy ... because her daddy is rich, rich, rich! And her daddy gives them houses and cars and jobs, so they don't sit on his sofa, in his mansion with his new wife and replacement family.

Life is good.

For them.

Anonymous said...

By trying oh so hard to not say anything, you already said exactly what you think of me.
You may as well have a few extra holes in your body. As I can see right through you, special k.
Im hardly a teenager, a goth, or think my life is oh so sad. Sorry to burst your judgmental bubble.

ps. Amy Whinehouse sucks balls. Crack is whack. And the special k diet gives people the shits. Or so Ive heard.

razorbeck said...

Then Annoyingmous you should give the special K diet a try as you are obviously full of shit

Now away back home to your parents basement with ye. i hear theres a Star Trek / Buffy marathon coming on and i you can watch your Xena DVD's during commercials

Christine said...

Razor, you crack me up.

Christine said...

""Amy Whinehouse sucks balls. Crack is whack."" and this isn't a teen? I don't think "crack is whack" is an adult expression..well,not even if you are technically an adult.

Anonymous said...

Im full of shit? How so? Because I have my ears pierced more than once? Oh fucking no. Ive never watched any of those shows. Once again you guys are trying to witty but end up being way off base.
Too bad "crack is whack" was made by adults to keep teens off drugs. Not you know, something heavily modified, irresponsible, and stupid teens would say. Because they are all about those crazy drugs.

razorbeck said...


No you are full of shit because you take this blogging shit seriously

As for how many holes you have in your head we don't give a fuck. Put in a three ring binder if you want but if you show up at my business wanting a job guess what? I look at the foking holes and I make decisions based on it.

I might hire your dumb ass but you arent my first choice and guess what? To work for me you would have to take out all the stupid fucking rings because they violate our safety policy

And pssst getting piercings and tattoos so you can be different like every one else. Makes you one of the herd not one of the mavericks

So go grow up a dozen years and get off my ass I prefer Chris there

about jenji said...

Outstanding post!

If you want to scare her off, I have the trick.

Tell your son you'd like them to come over one night to order some take-out. Order the food (bait #1) and then send your son out to pick the food up (decoy #1), alone.

While he is gone, get all cozy with AmberMoonSunriseSkank and do one of two things:

1. hit on her

2. get out your wedding dress and tell her you want to have it tailored to fit her b/c your son seems really happy and you really like her too.

You think I'm kidding..., I'm not.

Personally, I should think that #1 would be a toss-up, in that you might hit on her as a --get the hell out of my son's life tactic,-- only to find yourself making out with LunarEchinaseaRainbow b/c you have in fact turned her on with your deviance.

However, #2 will work.

Good luck and do tell.

be well,

Christine said...

I agree with Razor in reference to the job thing. It may be unfair but if you are representing a professional company that doesn't cater to teens, your looks do matter. A couple of earring can be very tasteful. Having them up and down your ears, tats on your arms and neck, not so much. I don't know what to tell you anon. I really do subscribe to live and let live. Unless the tramp is trying to date my son. :-)

Anonymous said...

Im taking this blog seriously? Whoa. I didnt know.
Thats fine. I have a job I love, and they dont care. I have no piercings that couldnt be easily hidden by hair or turning the jewelry a certain way. Even if I didnt it would be a non-issue.

Pssst. If I wanted to be different than everyone else Id go nude. Its an aesthetic that I enjoy. Its the same thing to me as people wearing certain clothes or doing they hair the way they LIKE.

So hey, get off your high horse and stop making accusations about people because they dont fit your ideal. ;D

razorbeck said...

you have a job? let me guess its phone soliciting where nobody has to see your silly ass

Chris sorry for stepping all over your blog I was in the mood to shit on the stupid. But shouldn't have tried to take over

As a fair trade feel free to abuse me at your leisure

Providing your fee schedule is reasonable of course

Anonymous said...

Haha, no. Wrong. Once again. Everything youve tried to peg me as has been incorrect. Which proves exactly what Im saying.
Dont judge a book by its cover. It just makes you look like a fool.

razorbeck said...


I think if you poled the studio audience you would find I am not the one who looks the fool.

I am not saying you're a dumb ass, I am just saying the resembalance is remarkable

Anonymous said...

To play your game, Im not saying youre a fatass. But you sure look like one.

Ooo. Low blows are fun. And with that Im deleting this blog from my favs. Hope you dont have a heart attack or anything, razor.

razorbeck said...


Not really a low blow I AM A FATASS

and worse yet I HAVE a fatass

See the thing about maturity is that you learn to accept who you are and then you get on with life

razorbeck said...


By the way you and I are whats called trolls, you tried to start a flame war and even though its not my blog I was in a mood so I threw some wood on the fire. I burned you down

A word to the wise if you can't handle the heat stay out of a flame war.

Again sorry for taking over your site Chris

Christine said...

No problem. Havent' had over 30 comments since was up and running LOL