I received a brochure in the mail last week advertising a residential summer camp for girls 7-16. Terrific I thought, what a wonderful way to get rid of the little brat for a couple of weeks so I can get some peace and quiet for my precious daughter to work with enthusiastic counselors so she can discover the wonders of nature! (or something like that..I am quoting the pamphlet which I have been using as a coaster for my coffee all morning)

My daughter will be 10 by the time summer rolls around and I think that is old enough to spend a week or two in the care of slightly dysfunctional teen counselors who actually want to babysit a bunch of hormonal girls for weeks at a time. It will keep her entertained and out of trouble. More importantly, it will prevent me from having to keep her entertained and out of trouble.

After all as they say..... variety is the spice of life and idle hands are the devils tool.

Which got me thinking.... I've always wondered who the fuck "they" are anyway. I have never been invited to be a "they" and if I was, does it come with any kind of stipend? It should offer some kind of compensation because their vow of secrecy really is quite rigid.

Now where was I? Oh yeah, Friedman's theory of stagnation in the 70s.

No, wait, that is the subject of my son's college paper I am writing for him...

Ummm, thinkin......thinkin.......

Summer camp..yeah, that's it.

So anyway.....

I discussed it with the kid and although she was very excited, she did say she would prefer one of her friends attend too. I found this a very reasonable request. Despite her being pretty independent, I get that it might be a tad disconcerting to be away from home and have to make all new friends. Also, she'll need someone to join her in making fun of the other campers in the Hannah Montana wardrobes.

So, I sent an email with a link to the site to several parents to see if anyone’s child would be interested in attending. My fear was that it is a bit pricey ($600 for a week, $1000 for two weeks) and that might be too much of a burden in this shitty economy. My daughter has many friends both in the neighborhood and at the Catholic concentration camp school she attends so I perused my address book and fired off a bunch of emails to the soccer moms that I normally try to avoid at all costs

But as "they" say....desperate times....yada yada.

I received several replies back. Not ONE of the parents mentioned the cost being their concern. Every email stated in one way or another that they wouldn’t even consider letting their precious angel be out of their sight for a week or more unless it was with relatives.

If their relatives were anything like mine, they would be much better off with strangers but I didn't feel the need to share that particular fact.

Now I can deal with nutty, overprotective, media brainwashed, not weaning the kid off the titty until he begins getting facial hair type of mothers, but this fucking twats email really crossed the line…

Dear Chris,

Thanks for sending the information on Camp Mc(blah blah). Originally I thought it was a day camp like the art camp you found for the girls last summer but I soon discovered that this is a sleep away camp. I am sure you have just as much concern for your children as I have for mine but I really must question your decision to feel comfortable having (the princess) out of your sights for so long at such a young age. Molestation is a reality in this day and age and such a place would be a magnet for every pervert within a hundred mile radius.

I think you should reconsider sending (the princess) and wait until she is at least a teenager. I hope you don't think I am being too judgmental but of course I worry about all children. God Bless.

Twatface.

Okay, what the fucking fuck? Did that bitch just tell me that I am a crappy mother and am sending my child off to be abused with a Tinkerbell sleeping bag and a kiss on the forehead? I wonder if she'd feel better if I offer that I plan to pack her a machete, a can of mace, a chastity belt and a GPS installed in her deltoid muscle?

I think I need to start checking out the parents before I allow my kid to befriend their precious carriers of snot and germs. I don't need anymore nutty people in my life.

I invite enough in myself.