Well mostly I was thinking about who or what I haven't insulted yet and I thought..
GOD! Yeah, that's the ticket.
Except that being damned to hell for eternity thing freaks me out a bit. I think my hell is going to be me, stuck in a house with Stinky Cheese Man for all time with him trying to stick his tongue down my throat as he reeks of BO, the garlic that seeps out of his pores and his nasty nicotine breath.
Wait, it appears I am already in hell so there is nothing to fear. Mental note to go on guilt free with the lust, gluttony, pride and greed thing as soon as possible.
I will save the remaining deadly sins, sloth, wrath and envy for the last half of my life. One must have something to look forward to in old age.
Since I don't know much about many different religious I will have to focus on the one I do know.
We fucking crazy ass Roman Catholics.
I mean it is the day that Saint Patrick supposedly took a big stick and ordered all the snakes in Ireland into the sea. And really, can you get much crazier than that? Oh, you say you have read all the stories of the old and new testament? Okay, nuff said.
My sister and her partner have honored me by asking me to be the Godmother to their beautiful new daughter. For those of you who managed to not get fucked mentally by the Catholic church, there is a great responsibility that comes with that position.
First of all, the priest assured us that if the baby dies without being Baptised, it will go straight to hell...do not pass go...do not collect 200 dollars. Apparently my fellow Christians are all right on board with this concept. Little tiny babies all burning in hell's fire because their Moms had a car accident with them in the car on the way to pick up some more Huggies from Walmart.
Of course this can NOT happen to my beautiful niece so I figured I had better research this shit and fast before they run out of the fifty cartons of diapers they received at the baby shower!
Since I wasn't quite sure exactly what I am supposed to do other than purchasing the kid a nice piece of jewelry and ordering a cake, I did what everyone else does when they are faced with a life changing important question...I googled it.
First I looked at the criteria for being a Godparent....
1 "be appointed by the candidate for baptism, or by the parents or whoever stands in their place, or failing these, by the parish priest or the minister; to be appointed the person must be suitable for this role and have the intention of fulfilling it;" (Canon 874.1.1)
Check. Well, the suitable part is a tad iffy but I think they were desperate because of number 2.
2 "be not less than sixteen years of age, unless a different age has been stipulated by the diocesan Bishop, or unless the parish priest or the minister considers that there is a just reason for an exception to be made; be a catholic who has been confirmed and has received the blessed Eucharist" (Canon 874.1.2)
Check. I think that in this day and age there aren't that many of us that were dragged to church and catechism long enough to get Confirmed at around 14 years old. Many a time after the white dress and veil or the cute little boy suit of Communion, parents feel their obligation has been fulfilled and they can finally sleep in on Sunday mornings and let the little shits worry about their own spirituality.
3 "be a catholic who lives a life of faith which befits the role to be undertaken;" (Canon 874.1.3)
Whoops. Not so sure about this one. Does living a life of faith include shouting Jesus H Christ every time someone pisses me off on the road, buying sex toys over the Internet or mentally plotting the murder of my husband daily?
Good thing about we Catholics, we do approve..even encourage... drinking or I would really be fucked.
As some of you long times readers know, I have sent both my children to Catholic school. My grown son right through high school and my daughter is still in primary school but I plan to torture her in the exact same way.
Hypocritical you say!?
I think the main part is the tradition. So what if the tradition is hundreds of years of my ancestors stupid enough to buy into this shit.
I think all children should grow up with some sort of spirituality. At least so they can reject it and fling it in their parents face when they become teenagers. That is also tradition.
People choose their own ways in life but being part of a religion that goes back to Saint Peter preaching to 3000 people in 30 AD at least might teach the brats their own insignificance in the big picture.
And these kids really do need to be taken down a notch now and then.
So my job is to make sure my niece gets these traditions shoved down her throat whether she likes it or not until she is old enough to tell me to go fuck myself.
I guess I am the right person for the job after all.