Tuesday, March 17, 2009

I was thinking about what to blog about today...

Well mostly I was thinking about who or what I haven't insulted yet and I thought..

GOD! Yeah, that's the ticket.

Except that being damned to hell for eternity thing freaks me out a bit. I think my hell is going to be me, stuck in a house with Stinky Cheese Man for all time with him trying to stick his tongue down my throat as he reeks of BO, the garlic that seeps out of his pores and his nasty nicotine breath.

Wait, it appears I am already in hell so there is nothing to fear. Mental note to go on guilt free with the lust, gluttony, pride and greed thing as soon as possible.

I will save the remaining deadly sins, sloth, wrath and envy for the last half of my life. One must have something to look forward to in old age.

Since I don't know much about many different religious I will have to focus on the one I do know.

We fucking crazy ass Roman Catholics.

I mean it is the day that Saint Patrick supposedly took a big stick and ordered all the snakes in Ireland into the sea. And really, can you get much crazier than that? Oh, you say you have read all the stories of the old and new testament? Okay, nuff said.

My sister and her partner have honored me by asking me to be the Godmother to their beautiful new daughter. For those of you who managed to not get fucked mentally by the Catholic church, there is a great responsibility that comes with that position.

First of all, the priest assured us that if the baby dies without being Baptised, it will go straight to hell...do not pass go...do not collect 200 dollars. Apparently my fellow Christians are all right on board with this concept. Little tiny babies all burning in hell's fire because their Moms had a car accident with them in the car on the way to pick up some more Huggies from Walmart.

Of course this can NOT happen to my beautiful niece so I figured I had better research this shit and fast before they run out of the fifty cartons of diapers they received at the baby shower!

Since I wasn't quite sure exactly what I am supposed to do other than purchasing the kid a nice piece of jewelry and ordering a cake, I did what everyone else does when they are faced with a life changing important question...I googled it.

First I looked at the criteria for being a Godparent....

1 "be appointed by the candidate for baptism, or by the parents or whoever stands in their place, or failing these, by the parish priest or the minister; to be appointed the person must be suitable for this role and have the intention of fulfilling it;" (Canon 874.1.1)

Check. Well, the suitable part is a tad iffy but I think they were desperate because of number 2.

2 "be not less than sixteen years of age, unless a different age has been stipulated by the diocesan Bishop, or unless the parish priest or the minister considers that there is a just reason for an exception to be made; be a catholic who has been confirmed and has received the blessed Eucharist" (Canon 874.1.2)

Check. I think that in this day and age there aren't that many of us that were dragged to church and catechism long enough to get Confirmed at around 14 years old. Many a time after the white dress and veil or the cute little boy suit of Communion, parents feel their obligation has been fulfilled and they can finally sleep in on Sunday mornings and let the little shits worry about their own spirituality.

3 "be a catholic who lives a life of faith which befits the role to be undertaken;" (Canon 874.1.3)

Whoops. Not so sure about this one. Does living a life of faith include shouting Jesus H Christ every time someone pisses me off on the road, buying sex toys over the Internet or mentally plotting the murder of my husband daily?

Probably not...

Good thing about we Catholics, we do approve..even encourage... drinking or I would really be fucked.

As some of you long times readers know, I have sent both my children to Catholic school. My grown son right through high school and my daughter is still in primary school but I plan to torture her in the exact same way.

Hypocritical you say!?

Well, duh.....

I think the main part is the tradition. So what if the tradition is hundreds of years of my ancestors stupid enough to buy into this shit.

I think all children should grow up with some sort of spirituality. At least so they can reject it and fling it in their parents face when they become teenagers. That is also tradition.

People choose their own ways in life but being part of a religion that goes back to Saint Peter preaching to 3000 people in 30 AD at least might teach the brats their own insignificance in the big picture.

And these kids really do need to be taken down a notch now and then.

So my job is to make sure my niece gets these traditions shoved down her throat whether she likes it or not until she is old enough to tell me to go fuck myself.

I guess I am the right person for the job after all.


razorbeck said...

I was baptised a catholic but I am a strict weddings and funerals observer lol

Efen said...

You sound exactly like the right person for the job :)

I'm not Catholic but my ex-wife is(yeah...she brought up that 'annulment' thing...AFTER my daughter was maybe 14...I said 'Thats fuckin ridiculous..nope')and she made sure my daughter was raised 'accordingly'. So, she went to Catholic schools until she graduated High School. She's now 22...and her mother gets all freaked that she doesn't want to drag her ass out of bed on Sunday to go to church. Geez....she's 22....besides the fact that what kid wants to get up and go to church, I think at that age she has a freedom of choice....

Evil Twin's Wife said...

Our son is at Catholic school, but I will most likely send our daughter to public. The school has kind of gone downhill over the years, this is his last year. None of the other Catholic schools are convenient to where we live, sooo.... But, I agree - you sound like the perfect person for the job. Buy her a little rosary and a tiny bible (St. Joseph's New American, of course) and enjoy torturing her! :-)

The Girl You Don't Bring Home to Momma said...

#3 - So True.. What would life be if you couldn't torture you children with CCD classes !!! Congrats on the god mommy thing, that's wonderful

Bitchy McBitcherson said...

Also a tortured catholic child. If i ever have kids I will torture them as well. It is a tradition, and the best kind. Congrats on being God Mommy. I have the best God Parents ever! Happy St. Patty's Day!

Trisha aka Bitchy McBitcherson

Burfica said...

I was born raised catholic, did the whole communion thing. Refused to do the whole confirmation thing.

got married and the priest started giving me a hard time about my husband not being catholic, and we were both gonna burn in hell. So...I told him to hold the gate open for me.

We didn't go to a church for quite a while, then found a really nice one here in town that is accepting of everyone, rich, poor, skinny, fat, old, young. We love it when we go. And it's not catholic. Oh well, to bad so sad. At least we enjoy ourselves when we go instead of "fearing the church and god"

Mine and my sisters godparents never did anything but stand up with us. Same with my sons, Glad he has an aunt that loves him.

namaste said...

god mothering is overrated as a job. you will be a fantastic earth angel (what i think godmothering really is) to your niece. congratulations!

btw, HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY. i love the ghostbuster (snake buster) st. pat cartoon pic. ;)

coffeypot said...

All religions work off the same premise; fear and guilt. Not too much love and understanding, just 'do as I say or you will burn in hell. Now give me 10% of your earnings so I can get my new set of clothes and trade in my two year old limo.'

But if you can be a godparent (or big sister) and influence a young child, then go for it. Maybe you won’t make the same mistakes you did with your own kids (i.e. less beatings and dark closet time.)

Christine said...

Seems like I have a lot of catholic or ex catholic readers. I also lost a follower of my blog. I wonder if some good Christian was insulted by this or someone with Fibro freaked out because I didn't have enough compassion on my previous post.

It feels good to piss people off again. I have been PC for far too long.

GiGi said...

Awesome post. I am a godmother to a few nephews & nieces...it's a great thing. Growing up in the Catholic church too, I still get that Catholic guilt feeling at times...silly, huh? Love the name of your blog....too funny. Thanks for stopping by mine! P.S. - if I have to take that damn baptismal preparation class again, I will puke...I *get* it already....on my 3rd kid, you know?

Cst KO said...

This is my 1st time on your Blog, I worked my way through blog world from Evil's to find you.. Just wanted to say I enjoy the blog and keep it up..


P.S opps I do watch American idol...lol

Libby said...

chris..you a godmother? well...who better?? nobody will put the fear of God into a small child quicker than you, right? lol!

M Chickk said...

I wanted to be Godmother to my nieces and nephews but wasn't allowed. I was baptized, communioned and confirmed but I didn't marry in the church so I was denied.

Congrats to you, Godmother!

Christine said...

Hi Gigi and CST thanks for stopping by but I guess you weren't informed that the newbies bring the beer. Oh well, we will let you slide this time.

Chicky I think THAT is a hoot. Not only am I divorced from a man I married on the alter, I am remarried to an atheist. The form didn't even inquire about marriage nor the dates of any of the other sacraments. Do you know what it asked? What is your envelope number so we can check to see if you are a "contributing" member of the parish. Do you know why the Catholic Church has such a bad rep? Because they have earned it.