Wednesday, March 11, 2009

I received a brochure in the mail last week advertising a residential summer camp for girls 7-16. Terrific I thought, what a wonderful way to get rid of the little brat for a couple of weeks so I can get some peace and quiet for my precious daughter to work with enthusiastic counselors so she can discover the wonders of nature! (or something like that..I am quoting the pamphlet which I have been using as a coaster for my coffee all morning)

My daughter will be 10 by the time summer rolls around and I think that is old enough to spend a week or two in the care of slightly dysfunctional teen counselors who actually want to babysit a bunch of hormonal girls for weeks at a time. It will keep her entertained and out of trouble. More importantly, it will prevent me from having to keep her entertained and out of trouble.

After all as they say..... variety is the spice of life and idle hands are the devils tool.

Which got me thinking.... I've always wondered who the fuck "they" are anyway. I have never been invited to be a "they" and if I was, does it come with any kind of stipend? It should offer some kind of compensation because their vow of secrecy really is quite rigid.

Now where was I? Oh yeah, Friedman's theory of stagnation in the 70s.

No, wait, that is the subject of my son's college paper I am writing for him...

Ummm, thinkin......thinkin.......

Summer camp..yeah, that's it.

So anyway.....

I discussed it with the kid and although she was very excited, she did say she would prefer one of her friends attend too. I found this a very reasonable request. Despite her being pretty independent, I get that it might be a tad disconcerting to be away from home and have to make all new friends. Also, she'll need someone to join her in making fun of the other campers in the Hannah Montana wardrobes.

So, I sent an email with a link to the site to several parents to see if anyone’s child would be interested in attending. My fear was that it is a bit pricey ($600 for a week, $1000 for two weeks) and that might be too much of a burden in this shitty economy. My daughter has many friends both in the neighborhood and at the Catholic concentration camp school she attends so I perused my address book and fired off a bunch of emails to the soccer moms that I normally try to avoid at all costs

But as "they" say....desperate times....yada yada.

I received several replies back. Not ONE of the parents mentioned the cost being their concern. Every email stated in one way or another that they wouldn’t even consider letting their precious angel be out of their sight for a week or more unless it was with relatives.

If their relatives were anything like mine, they would be much better off with strangers but I didn't feel the need to share that particular fact.

Now I can deal with nutty, overprotective, media brainwashed, not weaning the kid off the titty until he begins getting facial hair type of mothers, but this fucking twats email really crossed the line…

Dear Chris,

Thanks for sending the information on Camp Mc(blah blah). Originally I thought it was a day camp like the art camp you found for the girls last summer but I soon discovered that this is a sleep away camp. I am sure you have just as much concern for your children as I have for mine but I really must question your decision to feel comfortable having (the princess) out of your sights for so long at such a young age. Molestation is a reality in this day and age and such a place would be a magnet for every pervert within a hundred mile radius.

I think you should reconsider sending (the princess) and wait until she is at least a teenager. I hope you don't think I am being too judgmental but of course I worry about all children. God Bless.


Okay, what the fucking fuck? Did that bitch just tell me that I am a crappy mother and am sending my child off to be abused with a Tinkerbell sleeping bag and a kiss on the forehead? I wonder if she'd feel better if I offer that I plan to pack her a machete, a can of mace, a chastity belt and a GPS installed in her deltoid muscle?

I think I need to start checking out the parents before I allow my kid to befriend their precious carriers of snot and germs. I don't need anymore nutty people in my life.

I invite enough in myself.


Lady Bug said...

Holy Cow!!!!!!! Is she for real??

Yes, molestation is a very real concern these days. So are sue-happy people. That's why I'm sure if a camp charges $1000/2 weeks they are respectable enuf to run back ground checks on all their camp counselors. Tell twat she is over reacting.

I hope your daughter can find a friend to attend with her.

janeywan said...

If I got a response like that I'd come undone.
I'd send her by herself if she'll go, she'll have a great time. I agree with Lady Bug you need to trust at some point. Sounds like she could use some new friends anyway, what better way to make them.

namaste said...

LOL! i don't miss these days AT ALL! the days where i have screwy adults (parents of my kids friends) loitering in my world. i hope you find a friend to go with your daughter.

thanks for visiting my blog. i hang out most days on "with my whole heart" blog. hope you visit again. ;)

Smart Cookie said...

wow-that email was unbelievable. I would love to write back and say something like...I wasn't asking for your opinion or blessing about what to do with my child. I do not appreciate your insinuations about my parenting abilities or questioning my decisions, especially when I didn't solicit your advice.

Anyhoo, I disagree with sending the daughter with a friend. This is how we end up having to take a friend with us to go to the bathroom. There is the tendency to stick to the person we know and not venture out and meet new people. I have seen this carry over into young women in their 20s in a professional setting-where colleagues of mine won't go to a talk unless someone else is going. Are you serious?

Disclaimer: I don't have children, so I have no experience with this.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I went to several week-away camps growing up (younger than 10) and while I did not enjoy the experiences (picky eater ... bad camp food), nothing bad ever happened. Except the food.

razorbeck said...


You irresponsible child abuser how dare you consider allowing your daughter to meet strangers, I mean they might be some of those nasty funny shaded people and we all know what they are like.

Alas ye can't all be helicopter parents

My response

Dear Twatface

The princess is my most precious asset and you have opened my eyes about my responsibility in ensuring her safety so in this regards could you please forward the names of all your close male freinds and relatives and weird females that may be in your house when the princess visits. Social security numbers if available would also be handy and may speed up my search through the states sex offenders registry for people you know. I trust that you have already accomplished this for your own princess but I would feel safer if I rechecked your work. As well have you veted your neighbours to ensure that they arent registered sex offenders as I have seen your neighbourhood and it would seem to be a place rife with such fiends

Please forward names and numbers as soon as possible

Yours sincerely Bananana liquor

Christine said...

Razor..although I would love to cut and paste your wonderful response directly to the bitch's email, I have to look at her face for the next four years and it just isn't worth it.
Smart Cookie: You may have a point. They prob would hang out together butI think that most kids will be going with a sibling or a friend. On the other hand, they made it pretty clear that they will allow only two friends/siblings to a cabin that holds four so two will always be singles if not in the camp, with the sleeping arrangements. Something to think about.

ETW: I went to camp two years straight and was so homesick I cried every night. However, I do remember so much of it fondly and my daughter is very different from the wussy geek that I used to be before I discovered being bitchy disguised as sarcasm. :-)

To all you other kewl kids..yeah..she's for real. There actually is a worse parental team though. The princesses best friend will NEVER allow her to sleep over of have a play date. Everything must be at her house or nothing. I take the kids to the fair each year and she wasn't permitted to go because her parents were busy. I feel really bad for that kid.

Trisha aka Mrs. Wally said...

Holy shit! I deal with helicopter parents of adults on a daily basis. There comes a point in time where the apron strings must be cut! And if she is willing to go for 2 weeks it shows that you have done something right by not raising a paranoid little person.

Burfica said...

Hell you can solve all that, you just go to the camp and leave everyone else at home. hahahahahhaa

Alex said...

I HHAAATTTTEEEEE overprotective fucktards like that. They are not doing their kids any favors, trust me. Then I get the kids in my classes and they whine and cry and want me to hold their precious little hands.... gah.

coffeypot said...

Twatface...I think I like this woman.

I wonder about parents sometimes. How do they expect their kids to learn on their own? Now if this was 'Overcoat Freddie's Camp For Young Bitches' I might see the need for concern. But a reputable girls camp is just the thing for young girls to enjoy their time away from mom...which is one of the things Twatface (I think I'm in love with her) fears most. Loss of control!

vinomom said...

Wow. I would have eaten that bitch for breakfast if I had received that email.

My kid is only 8 and I would totally send her to sleepaway camp. I was nine when I went to girlscout camp and I went by myself. I was scared but ended up having a blast.

I can't stand parents like that. As for the other parent, I would friggin' love if Haley had a friend like that. Then I wouldn't have to have the little brats over to my place.

Efen said...

WTF is wrong w/ people? Yeah, I was always a little worried whenever my daughter was away...BUT...I did keep it in perspective. Hell...I worry about her now...and she's 22...

One thing I did learn was that parents who 'suffocated' their kids ended up w/ kids who were the wildest and most out of control. Fuck...who can blame them?

LMAO@ 'twatface' :)

Libby said...

holy geez, chris! "wait til she's a teenager"? oh...girls are SO much smarter'll be lucky if she didnt come home pregnant from it being her first time away from mommy!!