Saturday, June 28, 2008

Do you know what every one needs?

Space saver bags. You know the kind of bags that you shove your sweater in, suck out the air and it becomes as flat as a titty dancer before the boob job?

Yeah..we all need those.

About...errrr....14 of them.

And the Vidalia Slice Wizard! What a tool! You can slice thick or thin..make frenchfries..MOUNTAINS of them. salsa, tacos. Shit, it is SEVEN different kitchen tools in one!

Of course who could do without the Smart Spin. I mean you need a place to put all those sliced vegetables. It isn't like all of us actually COOK or anything.

Do you know what else everyone should have?

Nine..count them NINE Doo Whoop CDs.

Because you'll need something to listen too as you suck all the air out of those plastic bags and peel and store those onions.

Oh but no one should be without Inner Health Sole pads. These things clear all the toxins from your body through your feet. I guess how toxic you are will be determined by how black and gross those wonderful pads are when you peel them off.

I don't want any toxins in my body. I am sure you feel the same! For $49.95 plus $13.00 shipping and handling..those babies can be yours too!

However, do you REALLY want to know what we all need? Someone of sound mind to pull away the credit card and the cordless telephone at 3am when one has a fever and is buying all this shit.

I have felt like Steve Martin in the Jerk as I lay in front of the television wheezing and coughing.

I need thhhiisssssss. Oh, I've got to have thhhiiissssss.

I mean really, some of this shit is BRILLIANT. BRILLIANT I tell you.

Anyone know what channel QVC is on brighthouse? I have a long night ahead.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

I can never do anything half way. You know, like just having a simple fucking cold.

Oh noooo. That would be too freakin' easy.

My sniffles have to turn into coughing which turn into intensely painful hacking which then proceed to turn into right AND left lower lobe pneumonia.

I mean shit, if I'm going to be sick I may as well go for the entire sympathy factor. Which I am demanding and rightfully deserving due to the big ass needle filled with stinging antibiotic injected into by cute but tender tuckus. It was either that or the hospital and I don't do hospitals unless I am birthin' a baby or exiting the universe and as far as I know, neither is applicable to the current situation. At least I have not lost my sense of humor. I made the LPN laugh when she told me my Oxygen level was below 80 and I asked what she expected, when I was given no time to study.

Guess you had to be there.

Now I am stuck in bed blowing into some useless plastic gadget that has a point but I have yet to figure it out and trying to not scream out in pain like a sissy bitch every time I cough.

Hope your week is going better.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Aahhh Chhooo.

I am sick.

Unfortunately, I am not high fever, lay in bed and don’t care if the world goes to shit around you sick. No, I am not lucky like that. I am just sick enough that I feel like shit but must function in daily life. Although I am fixing life’s ass by coughing and sneezing all over the fucker.

So there.

They say a cold is three days coming and three days going. According to that formula, I should have been on the road to recovering just about……….wait for it…….


Those theys are fucking liars.

I am not better than I was yesterday, as a matter of fact, I am not better than I was ten fucking minutes ago. I am miserable and whiny and I want my Mommy.

I would call her except she would come over, feel my head, pronounce I have no fever, roll her eyes and go home to call everyone and tell them how she had to spend the night taking care of her eldest…who, as it happens, is such a wimp.

So there will be no calling of the matriarch tonight.

Good thing too because my daughter has been on the phone with her friends for hours. She’s nine. What the fuck do they have to talk about for hours? Old times?

Whatever, at least she is out of my fucking hair so I can wallow in self pity to my dogs who have not left my side all day. Although that could be because I haven’t had the strength or motivation to feed them but I prefer to think of it as loyalty at its most pure and simple.

Maybe I do have that fever.

Isn't it amazing how much snot can actually come out of a person’s nose? Where does this goo come from exactly? A must have snot rags totally one or two gallons of the junk with no end in site. What? Too much information. Hey, I didn't invite you here, you came all on your own.

Mother did just call to pronounce that “Summer colds are the WORST! You will probably be sick for weeks.”

Thanks, Ma. Love you too.

George Carlin 1937-2008 RIP

When I suggest George Carlin should stop performing, I meant retirement, I didn't mean he should stop fucking breathing.

I guess I need to be more specific next time.

George croaking makes me a tad melancholy. He was the first comedian I had ever seen in person as my first husband was a huge fan. 20 years later, it was the first comedian my son and I sat in an audience and shared the laughter together.

In his younger days when he was high on life as much as pharmacology, his observational humor struck a cord with the baby boomers saying things that had yet to be unsaid...especially broadcasted on the airwaves.

During a show in the early seventies, he was arrested for saying the 7 dirty things not permitted on the radio or television. To refresh your memory...."Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, CockSucker, MotherFucker, and Tits". Later it was rebroadcast on a New York radio station resulting in a 1978 Supreme Court ruling upholding the government's authority to sanction stations for broadcasting offensive language during hours when children might be listening.

George is quoted as saying that even though it went the wrong way, he was proud to be a part of American history.

George Carlin had a small part of my history and I am sure many of you at the kewl kid's table as well.

Rest in peace Mr. C and thanks for the laughs.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Enuff of SCM.

I don't do this meme shit very often and even when I do, I insist on being the one to start it. This way I can learn shit about you all without having to reveal a thing about myself.

Clever, ain't I?

It amazes me that I still have readers from 100 Reasons but this really is a close knit community and I guess I shouldn't be that surprised. I enjoy so many blogs and even when I shut one down for a while, I am still drawn to know what you kids are up to.

Where else can you get entertainment like this for free. We've got everything...broken hearts, trailer trash, noisy neighbors even nosier in laws, babies having babies, dead pets, live pets we would like to kill, PETA nuts, Vegans and those who hate PETA nuts and Vegans. I could go on but you know who you all are.

Given the fact that I have picked up new readers here and there, it is always fun to try to out the really crazy fucks and the best way to do that is with a few questions disguised as a Meme. Post the answers on your own blog and comment when you have done so. You are required to tag every single person you have linked while raising your hands over your head spinning and singing the theme from Facts of Life. Or answer here and don't link anyone. I don't give a shit.

Meme About Nothing for No Reason.

1. You just received too much change. What is the most that you would feel obligated to come clean about it..if at all?

2. What is the last present you regifted?

3. You're puking your guts up from the flu and are delirious, who do you call to take care of you?

4. It is 4am, you're at Dennys (or any 24 hour diner like establishment) after a night of drinking. What did you just order?

5. You were just handed $2500 and must spend it going away for the weekend. Where are you going and are you going to ask anyone to come along?

6. Who shared your first ever romantic kiss and do you know where that person is now?

Please let me know if you played.

After being out in the single at 40 world for almost two years, I have come to the conclusion that it is fucking scary as hell out there.

With few exceptions, men over 40 that are single are single for a reason. They are either gay, been burned and are bitter as fucking hell or are bat shit crazy.

I've yet to date a guy that wasn't at least two of the above.

Just about the time I became resigned to sleep with my teddy bear..simply because I know where he had been... an interesting thing happened.

I realized that Stinky Cheese Man wasn't all the bad comparitively speaking.

Yes sirree it is that bad out there.

Actually, to give credit where credit is due, SCM has been working on himself in order to attempt to win back my heart.

When he found Who Stole My Peanut Butter and 100 Reasons Why I Hate My Husband, he was furious and embarrassed. But to his credit, he also took a step back and had a good look at himself from my eyes. He didn't like what he saw.

Do I think people can change? Honestly, I really do not. But what I do believe is that they can alter their behavior and control their emotions even if they can not stop having them.

SCM has worked hard to do that and I must give credit where credit is due.

It isn't only that he tried to is he tried to change for me and honestly, after all this time and still trying to win me back gets a perfect 10 on the sappy AAWWWW meter. He's got a great job he has held for a while, has saved a bunch of money, impressed me with the single dad thing and was always available to kill the big hairy bugs with a moments notice.
As shocking as it may seem, he also has realized that toothpaste and soap are our friend when we chain smoke two cartons a week.

I think the biggest wake up call is when I kept comparing others I was interested in to him. SCM would have remembered my birthday, SCM would have done with the dishes after I cooked, SCM would have told me I look great in these ratty shorts with my hair sticking up. SCM would have brought me coffee when he got himself a cup and so on and so on.

Is my marriage going to work this time? Well, if nothing else, I will have tons of new material for my blog and afterall, what could be more important than that?

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

This is Dane Cook.

This is Dane Cook being funny.

See, no difference.

The guy’s not funny. Not funny at all.

Not even mouth goes up with a hint of a smile funny.

However, the dude sells out where ever he performs.

He sold out Madison Square Fucking Garden for God’s sake.

So I got to thinking….whose asses were filling the 20,000 seats at the Garden? What demographic has the inability to distinguish funny from notsomuch funny?

I knew it couldn't’t be the baby boomers. We invented commentary stand up after having just about enough of the pies in the face and the one ringydingys of Laugh In.

Now seeing that I didn’t see many walkers or canes in the aisles, I had to surmise that it is the people under 30 that think this crack pot has talent.

Ignoring the fact that he is accused of stealing other people’s jokes…he obviously picked some bad ones, his stand up has no punchlines. They are just ramblings about…well about nothing that go nowhere.

True I grew up to comedic genius of Richard Pryor and Steve Martin. Later Robin Williams, Sam Kinison progressing into the likes of Lewis Black and Dave Chapelle.

Then this…this….I am sorry but I can’t call him a comedian..this guy comes along who lacks creativity, imagination and quite obviously a sense of humor.

My 19 year old son thinks he is hysterical. When I ask why, he is unable to explain it. When pressed he replied “I just can relate to things he says.”

“What? The one about kicking doors in for no particular reason or about how manipulative and stinging a woman can be with words. Can you tell me specifically what it is you “relate” to?”

“Mom, you just don’t get it.” Which is very true.

Perhaps you do and if you do, please take a minute to comment and explain it to me. I must be missing something.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

What The Fuck Was It?!

Everyone has their own little neurosis that they are forced to deal with in their daily lives. I happen to have more than most but the fact that most people can relate to at least one of them gives me the justification to avoid spending thousands on psychotherapy.

That being said, one particular...let's call it a quirk, is that I absolutely hate to use a toilet that hasn’t been flushed by the previous resident that had squatted on the throne. I also won’t leave the kids off at any pool that is not my own but that is neither here nor there. As a matter of fact, it is always here and never there.

But I digress.

Being that I refuse to plant my patookie on a bowl containing anything but clean water, I am inclined to look before setting my fat ass down.

Which is what I did last night in my own home.

I have never been quite so glad I had this particular habit until I took my usual quick glance in and saw something that seemed to move under the toilet seat.

I gasped, jumped back and what the fucked in that order.

Fortunately, I no longer had to go because I had peed my pants.

I took a deep breath and stepped back to see what could have crawled on my ass, up my ass or around my ass if I had not looked.


As I peered in, breath held, I saw that there was a fucking frog in my toilet.

Yes, you read that right. A frog.

Quickly a slammed the lid shut and rested my ass on my cushy toilet seat cover to prevent its escape.

Now I too have read that frogs can turn into princes with a kiss but I wasn’t the least bit interested in having Prince Charming anywhere near this particular throne at the moment not to mention where those lips have just been.

I racked my brain for some kind of solution to the problem.

Frog in the toilet….frog in the toilet…..frog in the toilet.

I had nuttin.

I didn’t want to try to flush it down…one it was a cute little froggy and two, I have heard they have enough problems just being green.

However, if I ever wanted to use the master bathroom bowl ever again, something would have to be done.

I have to say even the most annoying of men can come in handy for unexpected circumstances….like frogs perched under toilet seats. SCM being available quickly came to my aid.

As I bit my knuckle, he opened the lid like it was an every day occurrence. Apparently Kermit didn’t think so because he used all the strength in those little froggy hind legs to propel himself out of the toilet and onto the curtains across the room.

I screamed a scream that any director would have been proud to use in the worst of slasher movies.

SCM calmly went to the curtain,,picked the thing up bare fucking handed and walked it outside to live in peace and harmony in its little froggy world.

I plan to suffer from post traumatic stress syndrome for years to come.

Monday, June 9, 2008

What the FUCK was that in my toilet?!
Could it be in yours?

Check back Tuesday to find out.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Home Again

To market, to market, to buy a fat pig;

Home again, home again, dancing a jig.

To market, to market, to buy a fat hog;

Home again, home again, jiggety-jog.

It is great to be home.

I really hate being on a large ship where everyone is catering to my every need.

Who wouldn't?

Thank God I am back in my real life of dog shit carpets, unmade beds and kids asking what's for dinner.

Whew, I almost got used to that hell.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Mommy's Angry

I am the eldest of three children who are the product of your run in the mill dysfunctional family. Growing up we were three distinctly different individuals with distinctly different methods to torture our parents into submission.

To give you a brief example of the amount of insanity in my family, my brother recently informed my son that I was indeed the only one that turned out normal.

Yeah, enough said.

According to our birth certificates, we are all approaching middle aged. During my four decades of life, one would think I would stop letting the matriarch get to me.

However, I must give that gold star to my sister. She is amazing at dealing with Mother. Honestly, it is a site to behold. The woman can say the most hurtful and inconsiderate things and it will role off sis like the flab on Oprah's ass once a year.

While I am quite obviously clenching my teeth in order to prevent myself from arguing with the loon, sissy can turn it around get my mother joking about it and laughing.

I want to be just like her when I grow up.

Of course that isn't possible because I never plan to grow up.

As related here, today is another family gathering for a birthday. Actually, Mother is combining two birthdays in one which in itself means she is making some progress.

Of course the bitching has now been doubled.

It wouldn't be so bad if the bitching was directed at the people that are actually pissing her off. No, that would be mean, after all it is their birthday.

No, the rest of the family are subjected to the constant phone calls and the bitching. Somehow in the process of a phone call, she managed to piss me off.

Instead of taking Sissy's lead, I snapped back.

So now the other two have moved over to include moi on the shit list.

My only chance is to throw someone else under the bus to get the heat off myself.
I think Sis has been off the list far too long.