Tuesday, June 10, 2008

What The Fuck Was It?!

Everyone has their own little neurosis that they are forced to deal with in their daily lives. I happen to have more than most but the fact that most people can relate to at least one of them gives me the justification to avoid spending thousands on psychotherapy.

That being said, one particular...let's call it a quirk, is that I absolutely hate to use a toilet that hasn’t been flushed by the previous resident that had squatted on the throne. I also won’t leave the kids off at any pool that is not my own but that is neither here nor there. As a matter of fact, it is always here and never there.

But I digress.

Being that I refuse to plant my patookie on a bowl containing anything but clean water, I am inclined to look before setting my fat ass down.

Which is what I did last night in my own home.

I have never been quite so glad I had this particular habit until I took my usual quick glance in and saw something that seemed to move under the toilet seat.

I gasped, jumped back and what the fucked in that order.

Fortunately, I no longer had to go because I had peed my pants.

I took a deep breath and stepped back to see what could have crawled on my ass, up my ass or around my ass if I had not looked.


As I peered in, breath held, I saw that there was a fucking frog in my toilet.

Yes, you read that right. A frog.

Quickly a slammed the lid shut and rested my ass on my cushy toilet seat cover to prevent its escape.

Now I too have read that frogs can turn into princes with a kiss but I wasn’t the least bit interested in having Prince Charming anywhere near this particular throne at the moment not to mention where those lips have just been.

I racked my brain for some kind of solution to the problem.

Frog in the toilet….frog in the toilet…..frog in the toilet.

I had nuttin.

I didn’t want to try to flush it down…one it was a cute little froggy and two, I have heard they have enough problems just being green.

However, if I ever wanted to use the master bathroom bowl ever again, something would have to be done.

I have to say even the most annoying of men can come in handy for unexpected circumstances….like frogs perched under toilet seats. SCM being available quickly came to my aid.

As I bit my knuckle, he opened the lid like it was an every day occurrence. Apparently Kermit didn’t think so because he used all the strength in those little froggy hind legs to propel himself out of the toilet and onto the curtains across the room.

I screamed a scream that any director would have been proud to use in the worst of slasher movies.

SCM calmly went to the curtain,,picked the thing up bare fucking handed and walked it outside to live in peace and harmony in its little froggy world.

I plan to suffer from post traumatic stress syndrome for years to come.


coffeypot said...

Having a frog diddle your ass seems kind of a turn on. Next time give it a try. If a kiss will turn him into a prince, a diddle in the ass might make him a king. And you will walk around all day going 'ribbit, ribbit.'

Special K said...

I am now going to be looking in toilets always and forever. EEK!!!
And I won't poo anywhere but my toilet and I too will not use a filled toilet of any kind!
Two peas in a pod or two frogs in a toilet, whichever, that is us! :)

P.S. I am trying to act like coffeypot did not just say what he did.

The Doggy Did It said...

I am also opposed to using a toilet in public of any kind. Unless it is a dire emergency...which for some reason always seems to happen to me when I go to walmart.

I had nightmares as a kid about snakes in the toilet....frogs is a new one for me.

Gross. I hope you washed your hands after you touched that poopie frog.

Mary said...

Hmmmm, praying mantis habitat or froggy in toilet. I'll go with the froggy in toilet. :)

coffeypot said...

special k, are you offended or just secretly wishing it would happen to you?

razorbeck said...

LOL Couldnt you just see Chris leaping off the pot screaching when the cold slimy frog touched her nether regions!!

Sell the house, she would have to burn it!!

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

What a surprise visit! Frogs are as cute as they can be, but, to find one in your Toilet....Oh My!
I'm glad you solved the problem with the help of your mate....! And you lived 'happily ever after'...Especially dear little Froggy Woggy!

dilling said...

I certainly hope he washed his hands after that...you know how men can be!
I used to get them in the bathroom sink coming in through the overflow vent when I lived in Oregon...cute little buggers.

Libby said...

chris...just be glad it was a frog instead of a spider...or any one of a billion 'creepy-crawly things' that florida has...like SCM!!

dilling said...

i wrote you a note to your email in regards to your question on my blog...

Olly said...

My sister had a big spider on the toilet seat once. To this day I still check before I sit down. If ever one crawled on me, I'd have to be committed!

Karen said...

What?? How did that get in there? I have so many questions. I never look before sitting. I don't even put on the light half the time.

This is crazy.

Christine said...

I suspect it was hanging out on the patio where we have a door in the master bathroom that goes out onto the screened pool area. The kids run in and out dripping wet all day long so I guess Kermit could have snuck in and decided to go for a swim. Either that or the mutts decided he would make a good playmate and it got away just in time.

Slick said...


I thought I told you about tryin' to raise tadpoles inside the home??

Alekx said...

Having grown up with the cousins, sister, mom, uncles and aunts that poor Burfica and I have around, then the men we married. You get over that stuff quick or you'd never use the toilet, the shower, the sink the oven, the car, the chairs, the yard, the power tools, do you get my drift. Oh the horrors we have found in and around our very lives.
If you didn't get a chance go back and read the tails of the puppy and frogs. :-)

Colin Brooks said...

I'm sorry I laughed. But then I laughed some more. And then I was out of breath so I had to stop laughing.

I thought things like this only happen to me. I can't say that I'm glad they happen to you too, in fact I shouldn't say it. But deep DEEP down I'm happy to know I'm not alone. Will you hold my hand in therapy?