Last night my son came home with his new girlfriend.
Who had more holes in her head than Hillary Clinton had holes in her recollection of actual past events.
She must have had ten earring in each ear, a nose ring, some kind piercing going on over her upper lip and a tongue ring. I assumed she had others but I was spared the trauma of confirmation.
The tongue ring wasn't apparent until we were introduced.
Her name was Missy or Candy or Rainbow.....to tell you the truth, I think I have post traumatic stress disorder and my memory has blacked out most of the details.
As I lied, "It is very nice to meet you", she replied, "Garble, lisp, lisp, garble click click".
As if all these piercing didn't satisfy her need for self expression and individuality, she also had several very large tattoos. Now I have nothing against tattoos, as a matter of fact, I have a small rose on my ankle, but this one had a very large piece of body art that was hard to miss. There was a pair of angel wings on each one of her arms. She also had some kind of chinese lettering on the back of her neck that I was afraid to ask to have interpreted. Of course no self respecting skank would feel complete without the tramp stamp in keeping with the angel theme.
I inquired whether my son and his friend had met at school and my son informed me that Missy Candy Rainbow was not currently attending school but working on her GED because she decided to drop out to pursue a music career.
All at once, my future flashed before my eyes. My son impregnating this social reject and all three of them moving in with me. Images of this malingerer planting her ass on my sofa all day after the kid is born writing letters and making audition tapes in hopes of getting her big break on American Idol as I give her a weekly ride to pick up her free formula and government cheese.
"Jim, can I talk to you in private for a minute?" I asked with a forced smile.
As he followed me into my bedroom, I told him it was about time I explained the facts of life to him.
He laughed and said he knows all about sex.
Well, good, then you know that if you ever put any part of your body near that girl, you will be killing your mother. Just remember that every thrust will be like putting another knife in my heart.
Now go and have a wonderful time.