Vinomom made this comment on my last blog post.

Funny that you describe yourself as overly optimistic. I haven't been reading your blog long but would probably not describe you that way

I started to respond in the comments and thought...well, fuck, this is MY blog so I can bore the entire blogging community with my bullshit.

IRL I am optimistic to the point of getting myself in a lot of shit because of it. I always think good is going to happen and I have to be practically beaten over the head to admit someone I trusted was a bad person or even did a bad thing. I forgive everybody but more, I totally forget. That also gets me in trouble since the past does have a way of coming around again like a circle. I believe that sometimes you need to yell and get stuff out of your system rather than pick at the scab for days, months or years.

I like to think people are inheritently good and try to be kind. I believe happiness and humor are as contagious as the flu and it takes far too much effort to be sad for long.

Maybe much of this isn't reflected in my writing of my blog. Actually, it is more satire than anything else. I use it to laugh at myself and others. It is an outlet for my creativity and allows me to mock the absurdity of the world in general.

To sum it up, I consider myself definitely a glass half full type of person.

Breaking Free of the Past?

I shared this story with a friend very dear to my heart today and I thought I would give you all something to think about too.


I family is moving to a new town because Dad got transferred. They pack their belongings and head out in the car. About five miles outside the new town, they stop for gas. The father asks the attendant how the people are in the new town.

The attendant asks "How were the people in your old town?"

The father replies. "We had the most wonderful neighbors, they were kind, considerate, everyone helped each other out in bad times. We just loved it there."

The attendant says "Well, then you're in luck. You'll find the exact same type of people in our town."

Shortly after another family pulls up. Coincidentally they are also relocating and asked the same question.

The attendant asks "How were the people in your old town?"

The father replies. "Oh, our neighbors were horrible. They were loud, always bothering us for one reason or another. In short we disliked them all."

The attendant says "Well, I am sorry to tell you this, but you'll find the exact same type of people in our town."

How does one overcome the attitudes that hold one back from happiness? Is the past destined to remain a chain that is dragged from situation to situation?

What do you think?

How True.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you , I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I can not accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

Bourbon and Vicodin

Do you think it was bad that I okayed the Banana kid to go sleep over a friend's instead of hangin' with Stinky Cheese Man for Father's Day?

Yeah...thought so...

Well, I did manage to steal one of those free gifts for him that the office suppliers give me for spending a bigazzlion dollars a year on pencils and post it notes.

Aren't I a helluva gal?

Do you think I have to wrap it? I wonder if I can use one of those Princess Jasmine holders that I filled with useless crap for the Banana's goody bags at this year's birthday gala.

I was even contemplating getting him a card but the "I Hate You But Thanks For the Sperm so I Could Gestate the Most Awesome Kid in the World" cards were all taken. Just my luck.

I did manage to come up with a gift for MY most awesome Dad. I pinned him down and said if he doesn't come up with something he is going to have to have lunch with all three of his kids at the restaurant of his choice.

He handed me an ad from the bass fishing place for a rod hanger the very next day.

Wait... Should I be insulted?

At least it was on sale.

Another Saturday night and I ain't got nobody so I think I will make some popcorn (the real stuff, not that microwave fake crap) shove Moonstruck into the DVD player and lament about my many failed relationships.

Either that or take up my friend's vice of Vicodin and Bourbon. Somehow his seems much more fun.

Peace Kids. Catch ya on the flip side.

Father's Day. Bah Humbug

I hate Father's Day! Every year it is the same thing...

What do I get for a man that has everything he wants and will shove whatever brilliant gift I do come up with in a closet until Mother finds an occasion to regift it to someone else.

On occasion that someone has been me!

She's getting old mind you...

Of course I asked the patriarch of our dysfunctional clan and received the standard, thanks but I don't need anything.

I ask my mother and she gives some really good suggestions like socks and underwear.

I love ya Dad, thanks for always being there...have some tighty whiteys.

Nope, not feelin' it.

Of course I look on all those geeky guy websites because like every other man, he does like his toys. However, nothing seems new, interesting or exciting.

I was thinking of getting a satellite radio for his car but that would include a monthly subscription rate on top of the initial purchase of the equipment and quite frankly, I don't like him that much.

So..anyone come up with the greatest idea for the daddy, husband or sperm donor in your life? If so, may I steal it?

Please?

It seems quite clear to me that my Antarctica fantasy is not one shared by all. Where's your adventurous spirit? Where's your quest to explore the untouched? Where's your snow boots and orange parkas???

Since there are cruises that sail from Argentina to Antarctica, I know that I am not the only freak that has it on a "to do" list.

So come on kids....doncha wanna come with?

Why am I over 40 and still getting fucking hormone zits??!! I would think that would be ONE advantage of old age. No more white puss to squeeze out of inflamed pores.

Apparently not.

At least the oily skin problem tends to decrease the aging process so I do have that.

However, it is a bit odd having to dab the Oxy10 on the skin eruption while gingerly placing moisturizer that has the same consistency as Crisco on any area that is prone to wrinkle.

Getting older sucks.

My Things To Do Before I Die list is not getting any shorter so I am thinkin' I had better get busy. Since I made this list when I was a tad younger and had more energy, I will be crossing off the Heliskiing and joining a caravan in the Sahara. What the hell was I thinking!?

The hot air balloon ride and the learning of another language are more my speed these days.

If I wait much longer I'll be left with the desire to be able to wipe my ass without assistance and make it an entire night without peeing the bed.

So, I have decided that I WILL cross something off the list this summer.

Anyone want to join me in Antarctica?

Summer has officially begun for Florida students. Which means parents have to figure out a way to occupy the little shits so they do not set fire to the cat or try to shove peanut butter sandwiches in the DVD player.

Fortunately for me, my kid is a little joiner who actually likes being social and hanging out with fellow members of the human race. She certainly didn’t get that shit from me.

I signed her up for theater camp. Basically a bunch of wannabe Annies get together in attempt to not trip on their two left feet dancing nor summon all the Florida wildlife while belting out off pitch show tunes.

Whatever they charged, it wasn’t enough. You couldn't get me to do that crap for a week on a secluded island in the south pacific with a sex starved Ed Burns.

And I think he is TRES HOT.

Okay, back from THAT fantasy. Did it suddenly get warm in here?

The problem with Theater Camp is that it does not begin until 9am each day which results in my arriving at work at 9:30. Not the best example for the boss to set. If one was ignorant to what a selfish prick SCM is, they would assume he could peel his stinky ass out of his smoke stenched sheets and drive her. Unfortunately, that would cut into his all night gaming and porn viewing and we couldn't have that.

If he doesn’t either have a controller or his dick in his hand until 4am, followed by much needed rest until noon, he gets a tad cranky. And we simply couldn't have that either.

So I decided I would rush into my office this morning, bring up my computer and furiously type a blog entry so I have that harried boss is busy so leave her alone image.

It ain’t easy at the top.

And The Results Are IN!

I realized during this process that I would make a really shitty teacher. Kids would never get their papers back because I am far to lazy to grade them.

Hmmm, where was I going with this. Oh yeah, we have a winner in my Faux Name That Tune Game. What was interesting with the results was that I was expecting most people to get blocks of answers right. In other words, you may know all the songs of the 60s and 70s but not the most recent. Not really the case which was quite impressive.

Now the results.

Most creative goes to CoffeyPot for this:

1. And we’re in trouble deep.
2. Where lived a country boy named Johnny B. Good.
3. Love to hear the robin go tweet, tweet, tweet.
4. They knock me out when I’m down there.
5. I’ll pop a cap in your ass.
6. And it’s time for a pay raise.
7. We’ll drink a Corona and lick a lime.
8. Yet your body is so sweaty you’re hard to hold.
9. So come on fellow, get out of those jeans.
10. So pay up bitch.
11. Then up, then down, then up, then down, then…
12. And that’s as it should be.
13. You’re making my ears sore.
14. Because I still like to suck tits.
15. Then pisses in the sick.
16. For a man-hole cover.

A solid four correct and the rest how the song really SHOULD have been so he gets honorable mention for that.

Second Place goes to Libby who didn't even want to PLAY but got 7 correct and beat the next runner up by 2. I knew she would do well. I can spot a fellow music aficionado a mile away...... or several thousand miles away as the case may be.

And the winner is.......

drumroll......

BO who got TWELVE correct. Let me tell you that impressed the HELL out of me. She got these lines freakin' word for word. Too bad they don't have the real Name The Tune anymore because girlfriend would make a fortune!

Now if you three multitalented players would email me your addresses I will send your priceless awards to you as soon as possible. (Which means as soon as I get around to it.)

Congratulations and thanks to everyone else who participated.

You're all winners in my book..wink.

Below are the correct lines and I hope you all enjoyed this because we are NEVER DOING IT AGAIN. It was too much like work and.....fuck that. :-)

1.Wake Up Little Susie Everly Brothers 1957

Wake up, little Susie, wake up
Wake up, little Susie, wake up
We’ve both been sound asleep, wake up, little Susie, and weep
The movies over, it’s four oclock
AND WE'RE IN TROUBLE DEEP.
2. Johnny B Goode Chuck Berry 1958

Deep down in Louisiana close the New Orleans
Way back up in the woods among the evergreens
There stood a log cabin made of earth and wood
WHERE LIVED A COUNTRY BOY NAMED JOHNNY B GOODE.

3. Rockin' Robin Bobby Day 1958

He rocks in the tree-top all a day long
Hoppin' and a-boppin' and a-singin' the song
All the little birds on J-Bird St.
LOVE TO HEAR THE ROBIN GOIN' TWEET TWEET TWEET

4. California Girls The Beach Boys 1965

Well East coast girls are hip
I really dig those styles they wear
And the Southern girls with the way they talk
THEY KNOCK ME OUT WHEN I'M DOWN THERE.


Aint Too Proud To Beg The Temptations 1966

I know you want to leave me
But I refuse to let you go
If I have to beg and plead for your sympathy
I DON'T MIND CAUSE YOU MEAN THAT MUCH TO ME


6. Sympathy for the devil Rolling Stones 1968

Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste
I've been around for a long, long year
STOLE MANY A MAN'S SOUL AND FAITH



7. In The Summertime Mungo Jerry 1970

In the summertime when the weather's high,
you can stretch right up and touch the sky,
when the weather's fine,
YOU'VE GOT WOMEN YOU'VE GOT WOMEN ON YOUR MIND.

8. Smoke From A Distant Fire Sanford and Townsend 1977

Lord, I was stung shoulda' seen it come a long time ago.
When I realized the reality gave me a roll
If things are the same then explain why your kiss is so cold
AND THAT MIST IN YOUR EYES FEELS LIKE RAIN ON THE FIRE OF MY SOUL



9. YMCA Village People 1978

Young man, are you listening to me?
I said, young man, what do you want to be?
I said, young man, you can make real your dreams.
BUT YOU'VE GOT TO KNOW THIS ONE THING.


10. Don’t You Want Me Human League 1981

Now five years later on you’ve got the world at your feet
Success has been so easy for you
But dont forget its me who put you where you are now
AND I CAN PUT YOU BACK DOWN TOO.

11. Walking On Sunshine Katrina and The Waves 1985

I used to think maybe you loved me, now baby I'm sure.
And I just can't wait till the day when you knock on my door
Now every time I go to the mailbox, gotta hold myself down
CAUSE I JUST CAN'T WAIT TILL YOU WRITE ME YOU'RE COMIN' AROUND


12. Livin On A Prayer Bon Jovi 1987

Tommy used to work on the docks
union's been on strike

He's down on his luck - It's tough
so tough.
Gina works the diner all day
working for her man

SHE BRINGS HOME HER PAY FOR LOVE. FOR LOVE.

13. Basket Case Green Day 1994

I went to a shrink
To analyze my dreams
She says it's lack of sex
That's bringing me down
I went to a whore
He said my life's a bore
So quit my whining cause
IT'S BRINGING HER DOWN.



14. Only Want To Be With You Hootie and The Blowfish 1995


You and me
We come from different worlds
You like to laugh at me
When I look at other girls

Sometimes you’re crazy
And you wonder why
I’m such a baby
CAUSE THE DOLPHINS MAKE ME CRY



15. Tubthumping Chumbawamba 1996

He drinks a whisky drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a lager drink
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK


BONUS

16. Beautiful Day U2 2000

The heart is a bloom
Shoots up through the stony ground
There's no room
NO SPACE TO RENT IN THIS TOWN.

Have a great week kids. Now back to work I go.

Thanks to those who played the music game. I will get the results up this weekend.

Since I am too lazy to be creative today, I will leave you with a Friday joke that cracked me up. If I stole it from you, thanks. :-)

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.

He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy says, "Well, it just happened, it was a tongue twister accident.

See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'....so she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue-twister too.

I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my
wife, "Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.'

But I accidentally said, 'You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch.'

Have a good weekend kids...

Only SIX people brave enough to give my game below a try?

Is there not one rock n roll virtuoso out there? Come on, give it a try. Believe me, you can't do much worse than Coffeypot.

Who btw, has a very touching post today. Go take a look and then come back and email me your complete quiz.

Get to work kids.

As promised, below is my very own version of NAME THAT TUNE.

Except you don't actually have to name that tune, you just have to sing it really loud in public until you get to the line that is missing. You can still sing it but after that, shut the hell up and email your answers to

lifecorrection@gmail.com

Every song was a top 10 hit in the United States so there aren't any tricks involved. Just a good memory.


Winner will be announced Friday at 9am. Feel free to refer your friends. Please comment if you played. The one with the most correct answers, receives the CD and my undying respect and admiration. I am the sole judge and master so close enough is entirely at my discretion.

Ahhhh...the power...

Okay...get to it and good luck.


1.Wake Up Little Susie Everly Brothers 1957

Wake up, little Susie, wake up
Wake up, little Susie, wake up
We’ve both been sound asleep, wake up, little Susie, and weep
The movies over, it’s four oclock
………………………………….

2. Johnny B Goode Chuck Berry 1958

Deep down in Louisiana close the New Orleans
Way back up in the woods among the evergreens
There stood a log cabin made of earth and wood
………………………………………………….

3. Rockin' Robin Bobby Day 1958

He rocks in the tree-top all a day long
Hoppin' and a-boppin' and a-singin' the song
All the little birds on J-Bird St.
…………………………………………………..

4. California Girls The Beach Boys 1965

Well East coast girls are hip
I really dig those styles they wear
And the Southern girls with the way they talk
………………………………………………


Aint Too Proud To Beg The Temptations 1966

I know you want to leave me
But I refuse to let you go
If I have to beg and plead for your sympathy
……………………………………………..


6. Sympathy for the devil Rolling Stones 1968

Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste
I've been around for a long, long year
………………………………………


7. In The Summertime Mungo Jerry 1970

In the summertime when the weather's high,
you can stretch right up and touch the sky,
when the weather's fine,
………………………………………….

8. Smoke From A Distant Fire Sanford and Townsend 1977

Lord, I was stung shoulda' seen it come a long time ago.
When I realized the reality gave me a roll
If things are the same then explain why your kiss is so cold
………………………………………………………………



9. YMCA Village People 1978

Young man, are you listening to me?
I said, young man, what do you want to be?
I said, young man, you can make real your dreams.
…………………………………………………….


10. Don’t You Want Me Human League 1981

Now five years later on you’ve got the world at your feet
Success has been so easy for you
But dont forget its me who put you where you are now
……………………………………………….

11. Walking On Sunshine Katrina and The Waves 1985

I used to think maybe you loved me, now baby I'm sure.
And I just can't wait till the day when you knock on my door
Now every time I go to the mailbox, gotta hold myself down
………………………………………………………………


12. Livin On A Prayer Bon Jovi 1987

Tommy used to work on the docks
union's been on strike

He's down on his luck - It's tough
so tough.
Gina works the diner all day
working for her man

…………………………

13. Basket Case Green Day 1994

I went to a shrink
To analyze my dreams
She says it's lack of sex
That's bringing me down
I went to a whore
He said my life's a bore
So quit my whining cause
………………………………………….


14. Only Want To Be With You Hootie and The Blowfish 1995


You and me
We come from different worlds
You like to laugh at me
When I look at other girls

Sometimes you’re crazy
And you wonder why
I’m such a baby
……………………



15. Tubthumping Chumbawamba 1996

He drinks a whisky drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a lager drink
………………………..



BONUS

16. Beautiful Day U2 2000

The heart is a bloom
Shoots up through the stony ground
There's no room
……………………………………

How about a game this week?

Since my life is too boring to blog about and since I refuse to go into the mall, drop trou, and scream "WOO! I AM MASTURBATING LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER!" just to get material, I need something interesting to do.

Besides, last time I tried that it involved a pesky trial and four months in the psycho ward. Which really wasn't all that bad. The food was good and there was never a lack of the random inmate trying to catch imaginary butterflies while singing the Cheers theme song.

But I digress.

This morning while listening to Howard Stern...

do NOT judge me...

They were talking about a name that tune of sorts that one of the team members had participated in.

What I thought I would do is...

Number One: Trust you kids not to Google. You know who you are...

Number two" Put up one dozen partial lyrics from songs from 1950-2000. Your job is to fill in the words that are missing to complete the chorus..

For example, if I write:

CopaCabana Barry Manilow 1978

At the Copa, Copacabana
The hottest spot north of Havana
At the Copa, Copacabana
Music and passion ....

Your job is to complete the words to the chorus.

I will be judge and jury and the winner will receive......

drumroll.....................

A composite CD of all the songs...

OR

a new car and a trip to Paris.

Judge's choice.

So stay tuned to see which one of you listens to far too much music when you should be watching Grey's Anatomy with the rest of the country.