When it comes to husbands, I certainly know how to pick um.

My first husband acted about as retarded as a person could possibly act while still being permitted to play with matches. If there was an official king of the retards, he would be it…but only because he can tie his own shoes.

Calling him a retard is even insulting to retards.

Note: I am obviously not in PC mode today kids.

That being said, guess who pissed me off this past week?

A little background, this is my son, Jimmy's, father. He and I divorced 18 years ago due to the resentment I harbored over his unwillingness to give up dating other women after the wedding.

I know….I know…I am an inflexible bitch.

Number One Son called me earlier this week shortly after he had seen his father for the first time since Christmas.

My baby had his widdle feelings hurt.

I don’t care if Jim is in his fifties, until my body lays rotting in an overly expensive, worm infested coffin, when he is upset, I will automatically jump into protection mode with my claws out.

Who would DARE fuck with my kid??!! GGGRRRRRR

My ex did not have a Christmas present for his own son. Nothing. Not even some lousy soap on a rope or a movie from the shitty dvd bargain bin at Walmart.

Ouch.

Of course I had no right to get involved and just tried to comfort my son as best as I could while we held hands and he shared his feelings of pain and frustration.

Yeah right. And after that the sun started circling the earth and I did the Hokey Pokey on top of Mount Fuji.

Nope. This situation required a slap down and I was just the bitch to do it.

“Did you honestly not have a Christmas present for Jim when he stopped by to bring you and your crypt keeper looking wife the gifts he purchased for you?”

“Yeah. But I have a good reason….”

Couldn't wait for this.

“When my father was here for vacation at Thanksgiving, Jim only visited ONCE the entire week."

Oh. My. God. How dare that little shit? Now where did I put those bamboo shoots I keep to stick under his finger nails?

“So the man that has never once called his grandson in his 20 years of life; has never spent one minute alone with him, taken him to dinner, or thrown a baseball? That man is upset that the kid didn’t hang out with him enough last month. For his severe imprudence, you, in your infinite wisdom decided it would be appropriate to fix Jim's ass so to speak??”

I was on a role now.

"What I am hearing is you, the sperm donor of my son, that had visitation four days per month and one month out of the summer for the past 18 years and has only seen the kid 25 or so times since he was ten, is insulted about you and your daddy being blown off?”

Crickets..........

Jimmy came home last night and told me his Dad gave him a check for $250 as a Christmas gift.

Maybe he does deserve the title of king of the retards afterall. Apparently he can be taught.