Friday, January 9, 2009

Til Death Do They Part

What could possibly be worse than a rushed wedding at a crappy park on Christmas Eve attended by only family forced to be there and a groom that seemed forced to be there too?

A homeless bum sleeping on a bench in the background of the nuptials.

How perfect.

No one was going to take a picture of this dude until I subtly suggested it to my nephew.

Get your ass over there and snap a picture of that guy!

But I digress.

A week before Christmas, I was agree to perform a marriage ceremony on a relative by marriage. To give you an idea of my attachment and admiration of these people, my sister and I have nicknamed the bride and her brother Wednesday and Pugsly.

Initially the ceremony was to take place on Christmas Day but they managed to get some kind of deferment of the rules due to a military hardship to get around the waiting period. That fact initially thrilled me as I assumed they would then choose to marry at the courthouse.

Silly me.

Nope, they now had their hearts set on the trailer trash wedding in the small park next to the Knights of Columbus Hall.

The plan was that my family all go together in one car, get this over with and then attend Christmas Eve Mass which was scheduled for 6pm. (This also got us out of having to attend the reception "dinner" at some BBQ place immediately following.) Since the ceremony was planned for 4pm, that should have left plenty of time. None the less, my mother reminded me that the bride's mother arrived an hour and a half after the planned time for her own wedding and mommy dearest refused to miss mass waiting around for this half assed thing to happen.

Mom's got some very interesting priorities, needless to say.

When we arrived, the groom was there with the hood up on his car working on it on the street.

The bride and part of her family arrived soon after.

We got out of the car, happy that this was going to be happening in a timely manner, but we were immediately informed that the bride's father was "lost" and we will need to wait.

Oh joy.

So we waited....and waited....15 minutes, 20.....30.....

Phone calls were made and the bride's father appeared to be searching frantically throughout the town for an opened store to purchase a throw away camera to capture the beauty of the pending event.

In the meantime, bride has remained in her family's SUV with the AC blasting (It was just about 80 degrees that day..probably warmer in the sun).

By this time, bride is pissed but refused to start, not because her father isn't there but because her brother, Pugsly, is with him and she didn't want him to miss this ever so special event.

FINALLY, they pulled up, I got my book out, we gathered under the gazebo making our way around the homeless guy as to not wake him, and the bride exited the SUV parked on the street and walked the long path to the gazebo where her groom awaited. No music, no one walking her down...just 300 feet from street to gazebo in what looked like her old prom dress. She had refused to allow her father to escort her due her annoyance over the camera incident making him tardy.

The ceremony went off without a hitch, they are married legally but more importantly, we weren't late for mass.

And they all lived happily ever after.



The Girl You Don't Bring Home to Momma said...

Oh thanks for the wedding description, that is a riot.

M said...

Klassy with a capital K!

Tink said...

How dreadful!

It might have been better had they asked that bum to be in the wedding party. Maybe as a flower girl, er man?

Jay said...

What an awesome reality show that would have made. These people were born to do reality TV.

Golden To Silver Val said... least the bum wore nice WHITE tennis shoes!! I don't know how you kept a straight face. Whatta woman!
Come visit me...I have something for you, should you wish to accept it.
Sorry it couldn't be a pot roast dinner....!

M Chickk said...

Oh my...I don't even know what to say!

Special K said...

Oh that is a classic! Bum in background? Priceless!
I am not trying to one up you but my brother in law? Got married in a barn, the flower girl had a mullet, they stood on the wrong side and put their rings on the wrong fingers.
It lasted 3 years! :)

coffeypot said...

That was funny. I think I would have woke up the bum, offered him a bottle of Thunderbird wine if he would walk the bride down the path. But I am sure she will cherish her special wedding day the rest of her life - through the twelve kids (they are too stupid not to have that many kids) and the divorce.

Burfica said...

Didn't I see that one "My Big Redneck Wedding"? The show on CMT. hahahahaha

Christine said...

Coming soon I am sure, Bur. What was kinda funny is my mother offered me pictures of the ceremony (of myself performing it) and I said,,no no...I just want the guy asleep on the bench. So that is the only solid evidence that this day really existed in my life. :-)

Libby said...

chris, you should contract with my big fat redneck wedding, so if a 'precious moment' like this should happen again, we'll ALL get to see it!!

Beth said...

TAGGED! You’re it, doll.

donna said...