I have made plans to take my bratty kid to Washington DC for spring break this year.

I want her to get used to doing educational things during vacations so she isn’t tempted to go to Daytona Beach and appear on Girls Gone Wild videos when she grows boobs. (Or begins dating them.)

I figured we can go to Washington and see the Liberty Bell, the Statue of Liberty and the Old North Church……

Yeah, whatever. You never know, they could be on tour.

I thought it would be neat to arrange a play date with Sasha and Milia but apparently they are all booked up spreading their father’s message of peace and fairness in the world. Oh, and playing with their new easy bake oven.

Apparently in order to even see inside the White House you need to have a group of ten to be considered. To make it even more difficult, it isn’t like I can pick up some homeless people on the National Mall at the last minute. They actually want to know the group and the names of the visitors. Those uptight bastards won’t even accept names like Bertha the Bag Lady and Willy the Wino. And I thought this was a free country. HA!

So I am writing my girl Michelle and asking her to sneak us in. After all I did donate $12.62 to her husband’s campaign. I figure she owes me.

If that doesn’t work out I am guessing we can do all the other boring shit like seeing the monuments, enjoy the architecture of the city and visit the Smithsonian. Yawn.

I wonder if they have a Chuck E Cheese?

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How Romantic

For those of you that stopped by and saw my last post, I have deleted it. I have never been on the receiving end of so much hate email. Well if you exclude the people I have fired or back into in the parking garage.

It is a JOKE site people...chill the fuck out.

Dark humor in an attempt to sell tee shirts. No animals were harmed in the making of that video.

http://www.adsavvy.org/save-our-cats-and-kittens-from-fishermen-or-how-to-make-lots-of-money-online-as-a-liar/

In further news, when I am not supporting kitten cruelty, I have been attempting to co exist with SCM in peace and harmony.

Yeah..not happenin'

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day which posses a dilemma. Do I get the stinky bastard a card with all the sappy sentiments that I don't feel or should I just write my own? Here are a few I have been tossing around...

Roses are red, violets are blue
Why do you smell like you've stepped in dog doo?

Here's your card pretty and red
I am trying to forget you suck in bed.

Thanks for the steak and the strawberry feeding
and the look on your face when I told you Im bleeding.

or simply

On this special day of love I have just one thing to say to you...

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE.

I think I'll go with that one.

For those in love, have fun.

For those who can't wait until Sunday?

I feel your pain.

I am playing hooky today. I am doing this because I had trouble sleeping last night and decided I would keep my cranky ass home rather than make everyone at work miserable.

I am considerate in this way.

I hate fucking insomnia.

I am sure many of you have heard of the disease Restless Leg Syndrome? Rumor has it a drug company came up with a drug and then had to create the disease to accompany it.

Capitalism or cynicism?

I have suffered from this affliction since childhood. I never knew what it was. It was actually kinda kewl to be able to put a name to the torture of feeling like your legs and ankles have little bugs inside the muscles and joints. RLS doesn't make people inadvertent beat the living shit out of their bed companion. What it does is make it really hard to get comfortable. Hence the insomnia last night. The only way to relieve the annoyance is to walk around. Since I have never been a sleep walker and it is too late to take it up now, I stay awake.

And no, I am not taking any drugs for it. It doesn't happen enough to warrant putting another pill in my body daily unless it will get me high. As far as I know, it doesn't.

Hmmm, but maybe I should look into that. I could be missing out.

I think it may be caused by stress and adrenaline since right before I tried to sleep, I almost burned the house down trying to make some wheat toast. Three smoke alarms blaring and two yappy dogs yapping doesn't make for a restful night.

In other news, I had a disagreement with a young person recently about whether a man and woman can be friends after getting naked together. She claimed it was possible and I don't see it. The issue was a boyfriend that wanted to remain friends and hang out with an ex girlfriend. The current girlfriend had a problem with this...

Ya think?

In my mind, once a man gets laid, he always has that in the back of his mind. He may be able to control the urge to act on it, but once a fuck buddy, always a fuck buddy...if only mentally.

Skippy may enjoy her company and may have full intention of never slipping her the ole salami again but the past and the desire will always be there.

This: Hmmm, look at those titties poking out of that low cut shirt..I wonder if I get her to lean over, I'd get a better view. Those were some damn nice titties


Instead of this: Man I wish Petunia would cover up those breasts. She may catch cold.

What say you?

Okay...so I should say something to those of you that are still hangin' in there and dealing with my crappy blogging habits.

Honestly, it isn't because I have such a busy life that I can't find time to fit this blogging thing in..

It is pure laziness and not having a fucking thing to say.

I can talk about my job and my shitty lazy ass employees but I've done that.

I can write about SCM but he is at the house doing all my laundry at the moment so I'll be nice until he is done. Or until I evaluate the ironing and amount of starch he used...


Oh shit...one of my half way decent employees just walked in and gave me two weeks notice. Damn it, I knew she had a funny look on her face when I sent her back to Starbucks four times to get the correct about of foam in my latte.

Yeah...this sucks. Not that there aren't two hundred people waiting to fill her job but it took me a long time to teach her to kiss my ass with the correct about of pressure. The bitch has NO RIGHT to want to go back to school and improve her mind.

Why does everything always have to be about her???

So if anyone is looking for a job that pays little more than minimum wage, expects you to use your personal vehicle for errands and you enjoy working for a total shrew with perpetual PMS, I have just the position for you.

In the meantime, I will go check out your blogs and live vicariously through you kids.

In order to avoid work and/or slicing my wrists as I contemplate my meaningless existence, I decided to blog hop for a while.

I came across this entry from a blogger that I have never read before and got a kick out of what she thought the lyrics of the Seal song "Kiss from a Rose" were.

"Now that the rose isn't bruised/A light hits the glue on the grapes".

And now that your rose is is in bloom/A light hits the gloom on the grey

It got me thinking of how many songs I have totally fucked up in my lifetime as I belted out one ditty after another off key with the radio.

Often in the presence of others.

SHIT!

For instance, I always wondered how the Beatles knew Lucy in the Sky had bowel problems

"A girl with colitis goes by"


or


Why England Dan and John Ford Coley thought that

"a warm wind was blowing the stars around"

in Really Love to See you Tonight?

How about how one feels like

"A handle on a chain"

from STP Interstate Love Song?

So spill it. What lyrics did you find out you were singing completely wrong?

And on that note....I am going out to try and find some joy in my miserable pathetic little life.

Peace.