This Test Is Mistaken. The Key To My Heart Is Sit Down, Shut Up and Do As You're Told.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

I work with a person that I am having a bit of trouble getting along with….

As a matter of fact, I would like to stab him in the neck and watch his lifeblood pump out and seep all over the carpet until he shutters, shits his pants and falls down dead.

Usually I save this emotion for ex boyfriends and ex husbands so this guy must be really fucking irritating.

Let’s just call him Dickhead to protect his identity and honor.

Now Dickhead has been with my company for over five years. In all the time, I’ve never liked him but he does his job, brings money into the business and for that, I can ignore just about anything.

Just about.

I don’t know if lately I am crankier than usual or Dickhead is more annoying than usual but every time he appears at my office door, I die a little inside.

He is the type of person that knows everything. I mean EVERYTHING. If there is a situation that he overhears that has nothing to do with him, he’ll be scampering as fast as his size 11 Pathmark Pick A Pair specials will carry him to offer his personal suggestion of how the issue should be handled.

Which is bad enough.

But without being asked, he’ll get others involved. Before I know it I have this guy’s wife (who apparently also knows everything) on the line with a list of people to contact to solve my “problem”.

The one that has nothing to do with him, her or the fucktards she is trying to get me to contact.

Dickhead is also the type of person that makes sure he shows up at every casual after work get together while buttering up to the CEO and the CEOs baby mama. He actually advised me recently to start kissing baby mama’s ass too because they are planning on marrying.

He actually said “butter up” as if his ass kissing tactics were normal and he is ever so proud of his skills.

Recently we had words regarding a sarcastic comment he made about one of my gay employees. Instead of discussing it rationally, Dickhead left a note on my chair stating that he wants to request a meeting with me and the CEO.

So he can tell on me.

I denied his request.

He can whine alone, I don’t have the time or patience for his shit.

Since I probably shouldn’t stab him to death, I have finally decided that I must clip the wings of this precious little butterfly.

For his own health and safety.

Hit The Road Jack...

My little boy no longer lives with me.

Thank the good Lord above.

For all you Mommas that lament over your first child spreading his/her wings and going out on his/her own I have one question for you? What the FUCK is wrong with you?

My only complaint is that it took too long and he visits too often.

His place doesn't have HBO, Wireless Internet or a cleaning lady. Apparently, he is having a hard time roughing it. He told me he had to start doing something completely unimaginable lately.

He is forced to hang up his towels to reuse them.

GASP! Say it isn't so!!

I thought I would save money in food now that the kid was gone but the oddest thing is happening; every time he visits some of my food seems to disappear into the hot/cold bags he happens to have with him.

The kid is looking really good. Because he can't afford junk food or late night entertainment, (not to mention the occasional bag of weed) he is eating better and getting sleep. His body is slim, his complexion looks smooth and his eyes are actually clear and alert.

Poverty works for him.

Glad I could help out.

I Am A Liberal

Apparently, I am a liberal.


I believe each American Citizen has a right to free health care.

(And liposuction and a boob job as needed)

I believe my social security should be in the hands of government and not the stock market.

(Thank goodness we didn’t get roped into privatizing social security or granny would be living with me. That women smells like a mixture of moth balls and depends)

I believe my teenage daughter should be permitted to make her own decisions regarding her reproductive choices .

(I think Suzie being on the pill because she is messing around with that dumb Jock from 4th period is a good thing. But I don’t need or particularly want to know)

I believe in a woman’s right to choose.

(Especially deciding if she is up to dealing with an annoying little crotch dropping for the next 18 years.)

I believe people should be respectful and tolerant of differences and every individual should have the same rights as any other despite their race, color, religion or sexual preferences.

(If you care who your neighbors are fucking or how, you probably should think of getting a little of the ole in and out yourself.)

I believe government has the responsibility to help those that are less fortunate.

(Yes, even that nasty homeless bastard who scrapped his shopping cart against your BMW)

I believe that the government can protect the people without taking away their civil liberties and I believe that liberties should not be sacrificed disguised as protection.

(No, you can not detain me just because I have come from a place where some of the bad guys live. Get the fuck out of my house. Well, unless you brought cake in which case I was just about to put up coffee.)

I think if you censure reading material in any form, you sacrifice free thinking.

(Not only am I allowing, I am encouraging my young daughter to read The Chocolate Wars and I Know Why The Caged Birds Sing and you all should do the same.)

I believe an 18th century light house is more valuable than turning the acres of land it sits on into high priced condominiums. I also believe the government and my taxes should pay to keep our country's history alive.

(Yes, even the bad shit that might be a little embarrassing to future generations. Like the fact we banned books and bulldozed our past to build more Walmarts.)

I believe that it is our obligation to take all steps to ensure we protect every living creature on this earth.

(Except red ants…nasty little bastards)

I believe that Bill Gates should pay a bigger percentage of his income in taxes than I do.

(When he has to drive around to find gas five cents cheaper a gallon, I’ll listen to his problems.)

I do not believe the ten commendments have any business being in any public building.

(Unless the top ten spells of witchcraft are permitted to hang right beside it.)

I believe that art and music are just as important to teach as math and science.

(Especially since I was really shitty at math and science)

Am I a bleeding heart liberal? Fuck, yeah and damn proud of it.

Christ on a cracker I am back to being a groupie.

How the hell did this happen?

SCM came back, he was not involved in a band and he was going to spend all his free time catering to my every need and whim. That was working for me.

Just when I was getting accustomed to being treated like the princess I so clearly am, he informed me of his great opportunity fill in as lead singer with a band next weekend.

As I offered the expected congratulations, best wishes and go break a legs, I see there has appeared a crestfallen look upon his face.

"What?"

"Aren't you going to come and watch?"

"Not, feelin' it, no."

Obviously that was the incorrect answer because holy dickhead batman, did I get some guilt filled shit.

So after hearing how I should support him and how he was counting on me being there and how important it was to him.

I finally agreed.

Just to get him to shut the fuck up.

So now I need to pull out the tight jeans, high heels and my black fedora and go hang out in a smoky bar with drunkin 25 year olds sloshing and hanging all over everyone.

Oh joy.

I was hoping he would have outgrown the shit.....apparently not.

Sorry I haven't been keeping in touch. I have been pretty busy in an attempt to keep my brain from exploding with my office struggles while campaigning for the Obama Biden ticket as often as possible. Which unfortunately isn't as often as I would like.

Florida is a swing state and I think (hope) democrats have learned a lesson assuming votes don't count. Registration ended in the state this past Monday and I am proud to say I got every single person that works for me to register. Obviously it is inappropriate for me to campaign at work but I think my Obama/Biden tote bags, bumper stickers and screen saver is a dead give away who I am supporting. I just think it is important that people use their voice in government no matter which candidate they support. It does matter. Anyone in Florida that witness the hanging chad debacle should be convinced of that.

There are also several amendments on the Sunshine state ballot that are very important. I have spoken of Amendment Two and the fucktards that want to get the wording in the state constitution that marriage is between a man and a woman. If you want my opinion on that, you need to click the link because I simply don't have the strength to rag on ignorant fools today.

Well, maybe I do a little but I have another issue more pressing. A fucking forward that I received not once but twice yesterday.

It went like this:

Dear Friends,

As I was listening to a news program last night, I watched in horror as Barack Obama made the statement with pride. . .'we are no longer a Christian nation; we are now a nation of Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, . .' As with so many other statements I've heard him (and his wife) make, I never thought I'd see the day that I'd hear something like that from a presidential candidate in this nation. To think our forefathers fought and died for the right for our nation to be a Christian nation--and to have this man say with pride that we are no longer that. How far this nation has come from what our founding fathers intended it to be.


I hope that each of you will do what I'm doing now--send your concerns, written simply and sincerely, to the Christians on your email list. With God's help, and He is still in control of this nation and all else, we can show this man and the world in November that we are, indeed, still a Christian nation!


Please pray for our nation!




God Bless


I am ashamed that I have such stupid acquaintances.

For a brief moment I considered responding and pointing out their ignorance but what would be the point? If they forward this shit, they believe this shit and I am much better off moving them to the people I will avoid at all cost and delete mail from list.

Did Obama say this? Kinda. What he said was that we are not JUST a nation of Christians.

Ummm, OH MY GOD..HELP! CHICKEN LITTLE ALERT! THE SKY IS FALLING!!

But, wait...were we ever a Christian nation and I missed the memo? Silly me thought when our nation was founded the forefathers specifically put the big no fucking way on paper about an established religion.

Oh yeah, here it is: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof...

As a matter of fact, they weren't all Christians.


I for one would never vote for a president that thought Christianity should take precedence over any other religious belief. Kinda shits all over the "all men are created equal" thing..doesn't it?

Well, I did get around blogging last Friday by totally posting a disgusting creepy link about bugs to make you forget that I didn't have a G.D. creative thing to offer you kids.

I have been informed via email that certain people were on to me and I will not be permitted to get away with that shit in the future.

Fuckers.

I am trying to run a company and close out a quarter and I need to pull myself away from my calculator, reading glasses and spread sheets in order to “share”.

Okeedooee. Let’s all gather round, hold hands and sing Kumbaya.

Orrrrrr we could talk about Stinky Cheese Man. That would be much more fun.

Those of you that have hung at the kewl kids table for a while are well aware of SCMs occasional hygiene problem due to what I can only guess is his unmanageable, irrational fear that a scary monster is going to come through the drain and nibble on his exposed private parts.

The irony is that if he stood under that cascade of water more often, I'd be nibbling on his exposed private parts!

Perhaps I am being extreme and unreasonable. I was thinking this could be the case the other day when he growled:

“You are being extreme and unreasonable!!”

He also said something about me being a nag, a shrew and something that I didn’t quite catch that sounded a lot like mucking punt… blah blah. Who listens?

I feel I am perfectly reasonable to expect the people that share my home have the same hang-ups and obsessive tendencies as I do.

For goodness sakes, I bathe my dogs three times a week and keep baby wipes on the counters to wipe their feet after walks and faces after meals.

So why can’t SCM get it through his head that even if he showered that morning…he has been smoking, drinking, farting and sweating for the entire day and I really don’t want that body crawling between my clean, white, crisp, cotton sheets! Especially when I happen to be under them already in my freshly washed jammies and freshly scrubbed body.

The man does manual labor while chain smoking Marlboro Lights down to the filters and he can’t understand why he is a bit on the ripe side by the time he gets home?

Okay, so maybe I am a bit demanding and maybe he is getting sick of having to sleep in his chair in the den because he is too tired after working 12 hours to shower.

(Whiny bitch!)

I just wish the dude would figure out that it is permissible to shower at night even if you won't be getting any poonany.

If not, I'd better put a chiropractor and hooker on speed dial. He is going to be desperately needing both.