Thursday, October 23, 2008




I work with a person that I am having a bit of trouble getting along with….

As a matter of fact, I would like to stab him in the neck and watch his lifeblood pump out and seep all over the carpet until he shutters, shits his pants and falls down dead.

Usually I save this emotion for ex boyfriends and ex husbands so this guy must be really fucking irritating.

Let’s just call him Dickhead to protect his identity and honor.

Now Dickhead has been with my company for over five years. In all the time, I’ve never liked him but he does his job, brings money into the business and for that, I can ignore just about anything.

Just about.

I don’t know if lately I am crankier than usual or Dickhead is more annoying than usual but every time he appears at my office door, I die a little inside.

He is the type of person that knows everything. I mean EVERYTHING. If there is a situation that he overhears that has nothing to do with him, he’ll be scampering as fast as his size 11 Pathmark Pick A Pair specials will carry him to offer his personal suggestion of how the issue should be handled.

Which is bad enough.

But without being asked, he’ll get others involved. Before I know it I have this guy’s wife (who apparently also knows everything) on the line with a list of people to contact to solve my “problem”.

The one that has nothing to do with him, her or the fucktards she is trying to get me to contact.

Dickhead is also the type of person that makes sure he shows up at every casual after work get together while buttering up to the CEO and the CEOs baby mama. He actually advised me recently to start kissing baby mama’s ass too because they are planning on marrying.

He actually said “butter up” as if his ass kissing tactics were normal and he is ever so proud of his skills.

Recently we had words regarding a sarcastic comment he made about one of my gay employees. Instead of discussing it rationally, Dickhead left a note on my chair stating that he wants to request a meeting with me and the CEO.

So he can tell on me.

I denied his request.

He can whine alone, I don’t have the time or patience for his shit.

Since I probably shouldn’t stab him to death, I have finally decided that I must clip the wings of this precious little butterfly.

For his own health and safety.

16 comments:

coffeypot said...

I don't work for you!

Oh! I thought you were going to talk about me when I saw the dick head. I say, give him a raise and a company car. Us dickheads have to stick together.

Jay said...

Hey, how did you get that fancy "content warning?"

You can't stab him to death, but you can start nasty rumors about him. ;-)

Special K said...

Dang Jay beat me to it! I am impressed! First the cuss o meter now you done went to the bigtime!

Mama is kicking ass and taking names, I like it!!

Christine said...

It's a secret and Im not tellin'

Either that or it is in the blogger settings and I thought a big dick popping up on someone's screen at work wouldn't go over very well in certain settings.

Terry said...

This reminds me of Ricky Gervais in "The Office". :)

Chris, maybe your dickhead colleague is paying homage to Ricky.
Or...maybe he was the inspiration behind the series. I doubt it.

You should think yourself lucky though Chris because my company was taken over by somebody new.
He was a proper dickhead..making yours look amateurish by comparison.

This guy was so arrogant and rude it wasn't long before our customers hated the sight of him.
He phoned one of them up once and told them he wanted to be called "Mr Brown" NOT Ian.
What a pompous twat.

Our customers thought so too.. They all fucked off and the business folded as a result.

My guy is the REAL dickhead here believe me.

Mind you G.W.Bush would have the beating of him.
No offence.
Please...I really don't want to go to Guantanamo right now.

Olly said...

Yup, sounds like he needs voting off the island.

BTW, how did the gig go last weekend?

Christine said...

I HEARD it went great. I chose to speak on the phone with a good friend I hadn't seen in a while and by the time I got off...whoops to late.

Isn't it amazing how time can get away from a person?

Burfica said...

Be careful you don't get sued by Donald Trump for using his catch phrase. ahhahahahahaha

Anonymous said...

I have a strict no ass kissing policy, my cheeks were begining to chafe

Do your job and do it right, even when I appear not to be, I pay attention.

I hate when there is a problem and the first thing they try to do is kiss your arse before telling you whats wrong.

And besides I decide who is at fault and I don't care what their opinion is

razor
(everytime I enter my name it crashes)

Christine said...

Dickhead just came in and asked me if I am going to happy hour. Apparently he and his lovely wife will be attending for the free food and booze while buddying up to the CEO and his baby mama. Im in no mood tonight to witness that and after a few drinks I will probably say a few choice things I will regret.

razorbeck said...

lol Chris its why we don't have happy hours where I work

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Good luck, Chrissy. And I mean it. People like that are too awful to live.

TLP said...

Nope, you can't stab him to death. Way too messy. You wear nice clothes. Not worth the cleaning bill.

What you need here is a vicious rumor about him. Mmmmm...He's told you that the gay guy in the office is the real daddy of the CEO's kid.

Maybe he exposed his tiny dick to you so that you could check for crabs? You caught him peeing in an office waste basket?

TLP said...

I love the warning on your blog now. GOD! You get the best stuff.

OneHungMan said...

Apparently you work in the same office as OneHung. Weird how the two of you have never met.

Libby said...

chris--how can they call it a 'happy hour' with a straight face when all it is is an ass-licking hour? oh, well, i guess, for the lickee it might be...for the licker, well, actually it sounds like he'd have a smile on his face...