Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Night of the Living Dead

As I walked through the entrance doors into the social hall of the church, my heart was all a flutter at the anticipation of finally meeting my true love. I wondered what he would look like. Would he be tall and sexy? Short and quirky?

Would he and I see each other across a crowded room and run into each others arm in anticipation of the wonderful lives ahead we would share?

I took a few steps in and scanned the room.

Wait....did I get the days mixed up? Was it geriatric bingo night? Is there another social hall? I backed out and glanced at the sign perched upon a stand.

"Catholic Singles Welcome".

It became clear the only way my prince was going to see me was if he had undergone previous corrective cataract surgery and the only way he was going to run to me was if his walker had wheels instead of green tennis balls.

I took a step backwards planning my escape. As I did, I noticed a group of three women eying me up and down as if assessing the new talent in town.

I shuddered. I am sure any of these grandpas would be a great catch for bachelorette one two or three but dockers with drip marks on the crotch and ears that needed a trim simply was not my idea of a great catch at this point.

"Hi! Welcome. Can I get you some coffee?"

Shit, I had been spotted by an euthusiastic blue haired lady whose lip stick lines did not quite match the shape of her lips.

"Errrr. No thank you. I was looking for my Grandmother," I lied.

"What's her na..............."

I was half way to the car with the faint smell of Old Spice still lingering in my nose before she finished the question.

As I was authorizing random email address to view my blog, it occurred to me that I have no idea who these people are so why am I bothering? I am opening it up and if someone doesn't like what I have so say...stop reading fucktards.

For those who are kind enough to keep linking my bullshit, you kids are awesome.


coffeypot said...

What's wrong with Old Spice? And if you want to meet men go to "The Body Farm and Adult Toy Store" type of place. There are men in there in all shapes and sizes and from every economic class. Why, look at all the dollar bills going into the garters. You should be able to find the love of your life there. But if you see me there, don't bother me unless you come over topless (and if you have false teeth, take them out, too.)

razorbeck said...

Hmm and I thought I had the market cornered on rude and inappropriate comments

Well live and learn

Go to the produce aisle of the grocery store...... thats where all the pervs were advised to look for single desperate women a decade ago. Probably still some malingerers there

Christine said...

Great....and these are two that I invited.

I am screwed.

Special K said...

Hmmm maybe they should change the title to "Shuffleboard Night" at least then you would have a real clue to the age of the people in there. I would bet you weren't the first younger person that happened to though!
Well shit, better luck next time, you still got us!! Right?! RIGHT?!?!

coffeypot said...

I thought that was the whole point of this story. To get screwed!

Burfica said...

heyyyyyyyyy I like Old spice. lmao

But then again, my man is a cowboy country boy. hehehehehe

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Hmmm.... how elderly were the ladies there? Maybe I could hook up with a cougar...

Jim Latchford said...

I've arrived at your very interesting (read: entertaining") blog by my blogging buddy Coffeypot.You may be desperate, but you're still a delight (read: fiesty!). As for your eventually meeting an eligible (and hopefully desireable) man, there are still relics of chivarly roaming about. I offered to move my ladyfair to her new apartment. Six months later we were married and have been happily so 25 years in May. Don't as of yet need a walker, but my ears could use a trim every so often. Great Blog!!


Preposterous Ponderings said...

Hey get you an old coot!

Make sure he is rich though and about 90 years old.

You won't have to deal with him long that way.

As you can see I took all of my romance lessons from Anna Nicole...

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Hell yes. They can't lay a glove on us.

Your mention of Old Spice reminds me: Whatever happened to Mitchum? Or do you have to be 77 to remember that one (like me)?

Libby said...

i dunno, chris...i still like old spice, cuz my first wore it (also a kevin!), and i swoon every time i smell it, & follow the ugly toad that's wearing it!! that's MY luck!!

Eunice said...

Oh dude! I so would have run out of there with that mortified laughter. I suppose that the event planners didn't intend to hit that target generation either. :)

(Thanks for stopping by my blog!)

Norman said...

my daddy wears old spice & chases my mom around the house!! that's why I can't smell it without gagging!!!!

donna said...