Friday, February 22, 2008

Be Still My Heart.

No wonder I can't get a date. I am going about it all wrong. I need to change the wording in my ad to read more like these:

Seeking rich old woman with bad hearts and no relatives.

Bitter, disillusioned SM recently rejected by longtime fiancee seeks decent, reliable woman, If such a thing exists in this cruel world of hatchet faced witches.

FOXY LADY:Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,80’s, slim, 5′4″ (used to be 5′6″),searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

Desperately lonely loser, SWM,32,miserable,apathetic, tired of tv and watching my roomates hair fall out. Seeks depressed, unattractive SWF, 25-32, no sense of humor, for long talks about the macabre.

SERENITY NOW:I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.If you are the silent type, let’s get together,take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

Frisky pup seeks some tail. Tired of going in circles. Lets catch up sometime–you can lead the way.

Seeking: Female companionship due to Carpal tunnel syndrome.

Break out of the tired old traditional male/female roles. I’ll be the baby seagull and you feed me regurtitated raw fish like a nurturing momma bird. I’ll provide the raw herring and vomit inducer, you bring the strap-on beak. No weirdos, please.

MEMORIES:I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.

Your idea of camping is pulling hotel sheets over your head, calling it a tent.
My ideal lot in life would consist of wandering through a pre-industrialized, pre-agriculturalized Earth, eating fruit and squirrels, occaisionally stopping to sleep and hump. I can’t do that, however, because most of the world is now considered someone’s or some government’s property, which if you ask me, is a fantasy. But I guess you didn’t ask me, so forget that I just said (er, wrote) that.”

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, race unimportant. I’m a very good looking girl who LOVES to play, take long walks in the woods, hunting camping, fishing trips and cozy winter nights by the fire. Really like a man with a pickup truck. A candlelight dinner will have me eating out of your hand. I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. Kiss me and I’m yours.Call (***) ***-6420 and ask for Daisy.
[Daisy was black labradour retreiver. The Ad was placed by the Atlanta Humane Society. Over 15,000 males responded to the ad.]


coffeypot said...

I can identify with many of these but the 'Seeking: Female companionship due to Carpal tunnel syndrome.' had me laughing so hard I had to run to the bathroom. Honey, I've been there too many times. So much so that when I go to the bathroom and unzip it crawls back up inside me crying, "No, not again, no more, please."

coffeypot said...

Christine, I have been telling my daughter about your site and I would appreciate if you would send her and invitation to read your stuff.

She is Marni and she is at:

Thanks! She will love you.

TLP said...

No weirdos, please. *sigh* Lets me out.

Oh, Christine! I'm so glad you're writing again. That John. Such a fuckard.

Libby said... know i'm giving up hope on the males of the human race (no, i'm not gonna be a leabian, either!) ...all i can do is hope that tif found the one good one left! hmph...i thought i did, 18 years ago!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Well, I wondered what had happened to you. Now I will fix up my b**groll and everything will be all right with the world.