Stolen Chuckle of the day.

 Ruminations


1.     I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
2.     More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
3.     Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
4.     I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
5.     Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
6.     I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
7.     The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
8.     Do you remember when you were a kid playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
9.     There is a great need for sarcasm font.
10. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the fck was going on when I first saw it.
11. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
12. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
13. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
14. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
15. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
16. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
17. Was learning cursive really necessary?
18. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
19. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
20. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
21. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
22. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
23. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)...ummm...Goonies"
24. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
25. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
26. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
27. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
28. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
29. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
30. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
31. Bad decisions make good stories
32. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
33. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
34. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
35. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
36. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
37. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
38. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to fall after leaning your chair back a little too far.
39. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
40. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
41. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
42. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
43. When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
44. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
45. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
46. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
47. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
48. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
49. I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
50. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
51. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
52. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
53. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
54. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than with Kay.
55. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

My New Mentor

I was thrilled to find this terrific advice on writing and I thought I would share it.

HOW TO WRITE GOOD

by Frank L. Visco

My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23. Who needs rhetorical questions?

Hey Kids

Just stopping in to see how the kewl kids be.  I have been using my blogging time to work on my book and it is coming along...

Slowly....

Of course I will expect you all to buy ten copies.

Hope you are all enjoying your summer.


Chris

Hey kiddo.  It is time I take a break from blogging for a while.  I have too many balls in the air and don't have the time nor the energy to keep up on this.

Of course I will still check your blogs like always.

Open Fields, Flowers and Sunshine? BLAH

Every time I return from visiting New York it feels like I am leaving home all over again. I know I belong in the city as I lament over the loss of the noise, traffic and grime because sunny greenness of Florida is both blinding and annoying. So as usual I am frantically contacting head hunters to find me a gig up north to get me the hell away from this clean living and family oriented town. When nothing comes up, I will settle back into this pick up lovin’ town until my next trip stirs me up once again.


Speaking of southern way, bringing a hard core red neck chick to the Big Apple was a hoot . It was her first visit so all her preconceived notions about Manhattan based on television and movies. We stayed midtown so I decided that we weren’t going to take taxis but were going to utilize the subways the entire trip. I had to talk my friend down from frantic when I mentioned this to her as she expected dark, dingy, platforms with no other people but murders and rapists. I guess Hollywood prefers to depict the NYC of the 70s and 80s. Clean, graffiti free, well lit stations and trains don’t really make good television.

So we shopped in China Town, ate in Little Italy, were entertained by Broadway and hit a good portion of the 250 plus Starbucks on the island.

Anyone know of a decently priced walk up available in the East Village? You know I must be really homesick if I am willing to forgo an elevator and doorman.

My daughter has shitty taste in music.

There, I said it.

I have been pushing this fact out of my mind for several months lately in hopes that she would outgrow the hideous genre that she has adopted as her style. 

Dare I name it?

Hip Hop and Top 40.

Lady Fucking Gaga??   God of Music...Say it isn't so!!!

She has been raised on a mixture of classic rock and new alternative.  Musicians that have something to say and use their talent to say it.  Her father is a musician as is her uncle and her brother.  They play real instruments, several each as a matter of fact and yet, computer generated CRAP is what she adores.

I have to wonder; where oh where did I go wrong?

More importantly, is there some kind of recovery program I can get her into?

Pride

There is school pride.

Gay Pride

Lesbian Pride

Pride of Country

                                                 

Pride and Prejudice

                                                 

Pride Prejudice and Zombies...

                           

But the stupidest pride is the one that leaves you heartbroken and alone.

                                            

Now that kind of pride is just fucking sad.

My vacation plans are driving me crazy.  I know I am a spoiled bitch and have no right to complain but my girlfriend is expecting my feedback on everything from hotels to breakfast delis to subway lines vs taxis on our fun filled trip to Manhattan next week and my family is attempting to get my opinion on beach front condos for summer vacation.

And I simply don't give a shit.

Really...

I want to go away.  I do.  I just don't want to have to think too much about it.  Tell me where to be, at what time with approximately how many credit cards and I'll show up with a bathing suit or parka or whatever the situation dictates.  

I have to admire both of their tenacity in trying to find the perfect hotel at the perfect price in the perfect location.   I just would admire it even more if neither cared what I thought.  I really have no opinion other than those limited by budget restraints and dates.  In other words, I have the when and how covered,they can feel free to cover the where.

This is why I like cruising.  There is a lot less thinking involved.

My link of the week are some travel horror stories.  Enjoy and have a nice weekend kids.

Signs Signs Every Where There Are Signs.

I am one of those people that believe in destiny and earthly signs that show us the way and lead us to that destiny.

Naaaaa.  But I had you going there for a sec, didn't I?

What I believe in is that we are all just stumbling around this planet bumping into one another, shoving the nit wits out of our way and attempting to move forward to get to that ultimate prize of death and decay.

If we are lucky, along the line we'll find a few laughs, some worry free sleep and a great lay or two.  That is it.

Like most of us, I have had my heart broken.  Even pined over people that I should have moved on from a lot sooner.  But when all is said and done,  being heartbroken is a selfish state of mind in that you didn't get to keep that person that you wanted to do things for you.   That person who was going to save you from yourself and make each day on that road to death a little easier to take.

It occurs to me is that person is usually a hellavalot of freakin' work.  Because while they are being your person, you've got to be theirs.

How annoying.

So my thought is to put out a personal ad that reads:

Witty, charming and perfect in every way, especially in her own mind, woman seeks great guy.  Must not watch American Idol or have any needs  at all.  Yearns to take care of another human being emotionally, physically and financially while getting nothing in return except an occasional thanks and a smile.

Think I'll have any takers?

Words of Wisdom

Life doesn't give you unlimited chances to get what you want so you'd better take it when it is in front of you.

AND

Don't try to dump your coffee out the window while going 60 mph on the freeway.

Whatcha got for me?

I'm NOT With Stupid.

As my constant readers are aware, I do not do well with stupid.  The Mt Dora Urologist that posted the ridiculous sign above is a prime example.  As a matter of fact, I think I will send an "IM WITH STUPID" tee to his wife.

 I had the pleasure of catching Dr Jack Cassell who I will henceforth refer to as Dr.Pee Pee on Fox news this morning.   He was waving around someone else's summery of the health care reform package and quoting from said printed internet copy.   When asked why he didn't get involved sooner, he said he would have if he had read it and been informed earlier what it was all about.

 If he had been informed earlier...

This bill affects my livelihood as well.  I had read through three drafts of 2500 plus pages before the final bill was passed.  I had summarized each page, put neat little circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, Googled what I didn't understand and formulated an opinion as to its merits and disadvantages.

Dr. Pee Pee has no plan to ever read what he is so actively criticizing on every news center that will have him.  Dude, if you're going to have an opinion, please at least educate yourself as to what you are protesting against.  My cheeks literally burned when I found out this guy was essentially my neighbor and colleague.  I was so embarrassed for him and how he was humiliating himself publically to everyone that knew the “facts” that he was spouting off about were incorrect.

 This law has a lot of problems.  A  L O T.  There are parts of it that I would like to stand up in Congress and shout “WHAT THE FUCK WHERE YOU PEOPLE THINKING?” Although the AMA came out for the bill, I don't expect all medical professionals to be sheep and line up behind their representing organization in Congress.  What I DO expect is for a physician to take the time to know what is going on in their country as it is happening and not attempt to play fourth quarter quarterback equipped with a soccer ball and sprained wrist just for the publicity.  

Dr Pee Pee, I hope for your sake this goes away because I don’t think you’re going to get many referrals from my neck of the woods.  Very few want to be associated with your idiocy in any way.  Our patients with bladder problems that are no longer going to be rejected as pre existing won’t be sent to you even though they are now insured.  Our patients who are still in school, over 22 and are now covered under their parents insurance won’t be sent to you.  In a couple of years, when hundreds of thousands of new lives will be covered in our area? 

You won’t be seeing a dime of that money either.

Which is all well and good if you are standing up for your principals.  

Perhaps next time you'll take the time to find out what those principals are.

Easter is coming and I have to tap into my savings account.

As children, my siblings and I figured out  that waking up early on Easter morning looking for hard boiled eggs that none of us particularly liked, was bullshit. After a year or two of mom and dad trying to recall where they hid the suckers as we watched on uninterested, a new plan was created;  buy the hollow plastic ones and fill them with cash.  Now THOSE were worthly of the time it took to find them.

If you're thinking we were selfish, greedy, little kids...good call.

As the years and generations have passed, those little hollow plastic eggs that contained pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters now are filled with good ole American paper money.  If an egg makes noise when shaked, it means someone has found the booby prize of coins.  Poor kid gets less than a buck for his or her trouble.  Awwwww.

So I am off to the bank to get fifty bucks broken into different denominations so I can honor the rising of our dear saviour Jesus Christ by encouraging greed and promoting capitalism.

Have a happy Easter or fun weekend depending on what floats your boat.



  

Just Thinkin'

Kermit sings about how difficult it is being green.  Well, I got news for him.  Being beige, brown, black or yellow ain't so hot either. 

I have to wonder why the older one gets the harder it is simply to just be a person.  I thought I would have all the answers when I got to my 40s but all I have is a mountain of new questions.  It seems once I think I have answered one of them, two more pop up and I realize that I will never grasp even a tiny bit of all there is to know and learn.  There simply isn't enough time.

So I read what and when I can and I listen to people that know a hell of a lot more than I will ever know as I ignore the people who just think they do.  I take the time to try to understand the other point of view even if it makes no sense to me personally.  Occasionally I even allow myself to be swayed.  I envy the people that jump in with both feet and I pity the ones that are too frightened to take a chance. I try to find a balance of those two that I can live with.

And I wake up every day knowing that time isn't always on our side.

Do you think wearing teeth whitening strips as I sit at my desk at work is inappropriate?

When the only time you can perform personal hygiene rituals are at the office, you know that you are far far too busy.  I actually snapped at the little Korean guy giving me a pedicure on Friday evening to “stop yammering on the phone and hurry the fuck up”.  Since I don’t speak a work of Korean I am sure he was telling his coworker that I must be under a lot of stress in a caring and sympathetic way.

Or maybe not…

 Does anyone know how to say nasty ass bitch in Korean?

 I am quite accustomed to it being crazy busy at work but now it is getting completely out of hand.  On top of all the things that are going on politically including the Senates inability to repeal the Medicare SGF before they all went to Daytona Beach to tan for spring break,  I also have issues with being without a personal assistant to abuse help me. 

 It shouldn’t be my job to locate a plumber to unclog a toilet.  I don’t even want to know about the toilet let alone have to give information of the particulars of said clog over the phone.

 Just….no…

 Of course with my last two personal assistant disasters and my lack of any qualified person currently on staff, I am hesitant to rush the process.  I want to find the right person who can take my shit, not piss me off, and still manage to use the brain God gave him/her without having to ask questions regarding every detail.  Don’t get me wrong, technically my last two assistants were really perfect. 

 If I could combine them. 

 Unfortunately, I don’t think they would be willing to undergo any kind of genetic splicing and cloning for 12 bucks an hour and a free cell phone.

 So now I will remove my white strip and get on with my day.  I need to file my nails at 1 so I’d better move it.  Have a happy week kids.

One of my facebook "friends" asked me today if the baby my son was holding in a picture was my grandchild.  Umm, no, it is my niece and by the way, go fuck yourself.

Well, that just struck me in the ole ego as much as being invited to a ménage à trois and finding no one else showed up.

I find little consolation in the fact that she hasn't seen me in more than 20 years and technically my son is old enough to have fathered a little bastard.  I am not ready to be looked upon as a grandma.

I was on a high for a few weeks when the "Guess Your Age" guy at my local county fair had me 10 years younger than I am.  This after guessing the woman in front of me two years older than she actually was.  I guess she didn't get the memo that the Florida sun will give your wrinkles wrinkles.

But all that went down the drain with that one question.


Is that your grandchild?

I was actually shocked when I read that some of my kewl kids are already grandparents.  I would have never guessed it.  Libby was recently so blessed, Tammy is expecting her first and I was surprised to see Kay is old enough to have grandbabies.  If I didn't mention you and you are indeed a nana or pop pop you must really look like shit, I didn't realize you had grandkids.  Hide them and deny, that is going to be my motto too.

I have solved this ego problem by doing what any other normal person would do.  I defriended the bitch and took that damn picture of my son and my niece out of my photo album.

Excuse me, I must go now and  photo shop my new facebook profile picture.

Since it is Friday, my link of the week will be photoshop disasters.  I can't do any worse than those!

Have a great weekend kiddos.

Golden to Silver Val has provided me with a circle of friends award.  While I'd much rather have the cash, I accept this award and would like to thank all the people who got me where I am today.... 

A crazy ass bitch with a bad attitude.

I am even more grateful for this award because recently I have had nothing of interest to write about and someone including Christine as a friend is most definitely blog worthy.  I am usually the one with the restraining order taken out against me.  That being confessed, there are rules and even though I am not good at following rules in general, I will do my best to comply for Val's sake. 

I need to do this fast because I need to find Vals phone number and address to start making plans for our summer vacation.  Since I plan to call her many times a day as good friends do, I need to give her the opportunity to increase her cell plan minutes.  Oh hell, I may as well move in since that is what friends do?  Isn't it?  I don't have much experience.  I wonder if she'll allow me to use the bathroom first in the mornings.

Anyway...here we go:

First, you post about your award, advising who gave it to you and create a link back to their blog.  (check)

Then you list five things that make you happy.

I am happy:

1. When SCM is involved with a new computer game so I know he won't be bugging me all evening.
2.  When SCM cleans the entire house before I get home because he wants to play his new computer game and not get bitched at first.
3.  When I receive a nice new credit card in the mail with a huge limit.  (Of course that soon turns to dismay when the first bill comes.)
4. When I come home and the chocolate cake I hid in the back of the refrigerator the night before has not been found.
5. When my next door neighbor walks though the dog shit on the curb that she didn't pick up from her mutt the previous day.

Last, pass along this award to five bloggers who make you smile.

For this you have to look over at the Kewl Kids Table.  Everyone of those folks make me smile when I see they have updated. Although I don't always comment, I am always reading.  You all keep me going throughout the shittiest of days and I appreciate it more than you know.  So accept this friend award and post your five happy things.

I am so not in the mood to deal with the work thing today. It is barely 9:30 and I have already had a patient crying in my waiting room about how he is going to lose his house and it is our fault because we won't testify that he is total disabled in order for him to get social security


Sorry dude but it might have something to do with the video tape provided to us with you and your buddies running around a basketball court doing more twists, turns, blocks and shots than the entire Magic team has managed this season.

I have to wonder what these people are thinking? If they have a pending lawsuit against their employer for a workers compensation injury, why wouldn't they assume that catching them doing something they claim they are unable to do wouldn't be in the insurance companies best interest? I once saw a man in a wheelchair that stated, he is unable to get up without falling, leave his appointment, get out of his chair, left it into the back of his pickup truck with no difficulty, get in and speed off without a care in the world.

Dumb ass.

Unfortunately, when you deal with injuries, you are going to get a lot of players. People that will go through needless procedures and tests in hopes of making their cases stronger. People that make appointments for medical treatment and then proceed to spend 30 minutes bitching at the clinician for filling out their disability form "wrong". Those folks that provide him or her with a completed form with the "correct" answers and tell him or her to just "sign here".

The biggest problem that arises from the players are that we in the field become cynical  which makes the person really in need of help be doubted.

Of course it isn't fair or right but unfortunately, it is human nature.


Here are some stories taken from the ER that make me feel much better about what I have to deal with.  Have a nice weekend kids.

Did you even wonder who the people are that choose which television shows stay on the air and which are shit canned?

Well, those folks would include me and my dysfunctional clan.

Yes, we are a Nielsen family.  Since American Idol is still on the air, I don't think we are doing our job quite well enough.  Honestly, choosing us makes a lot of sense.  We have the bitter and bitchy mom workaholic who would rather watch paint dry than any of the shit shows currently being broadcast, the bipolar father who can't stay on one freakin' station for five minutes at a time, the son who watches slash em movies by day and porn by night and the daughter that is perpetually engrossed in Sponge Bob Square Pants 24/7 on Nickelodeon or, on the very rare occasion it isn't being shown live, Nick  on Demand.

If that is not the typical American family, I don't know what is.

Often I am tempted to put PBS on all four televisions and go to work.  Unfortunately, the system nags you to verify you are actually present every so often and I've yet to train the dogs to hit the OK button when the light starts to flash. It is on my list, however.  Somewhere between fetching a ball and not eating their own shit.

However, if you have a program that you're attached too, let me know and I'll turn it on before I do something more important, like play Mafia Wars on facebook.

Enjoy your day.

If today is the first day of the rest of my life, I think I am going to find myself a nice secluded cave in which I can curl up and die.


I would donate my body to science but the thought of all those pre med snots playing catch with my eyeballs and hide the organ with my liver freaks me out a bit. Okay, a lot.

As a peruse my calendar I see annoying court dates where I am acting as an "expert" witness. If you actually knew me, this would seem very funny to you.

The only thing I am expert on is which take out place has the best fried rice and what kind of shoes go with which bag.

Between the court appearances I have endless days of pointless meetings with vendors who want to sell me shit I can't afford, marketing firms that want me to pay them money I can't afford so I can "make more money" to afford to buy shit off the sales people and months on end of giving my dogs their heart worm medication. Can you see why the cave idea is so attractive?

Well, to be honest, I have one weekend trip planned next month. It is a jaunt to Manhattan to show a redneck friend the big city. That is going to generate a week worth of blogging material..maybe two if she wears her Confederacy flag sweatshirt.

Have a nice day kids.

How about some silly work pictures for Friday's site of the week?

No?

In that case, you're fired.