There is shit smeared all over the work toilet seat.

Let me repeat that. There is SHIT SMEARED all over the toilet seat.

The toilet seat in the bathroom across from my office. The toilet seat that only employees use. MY employees that apparently didn't pay close enough attention when their mommies taught them how to wipe their asses. Those little tricks to prevent leaving shit residue on their asses thus transferring it to the toilet seat and their clothing.

Isn't it bad enough that I have to suffer the disgusting odors after lunch of people that apparently eat raw buffalo each night for dinner? No, now I must walk into the restroom to check my hair and makeup upon arrival to work only to be greeted by lumpy, smears of crusted doody.

So now I will wonder all day who, not only has shit stained all over his/her underwear, but who is so inconsiderate not to clean up his/her mess and allow others to enjoy something akin to a toddler's abstract art project.

Which they will.

All day.

Because I am certainly not cleaning it up.

Momma Mia Continued?

It wasn't my intention to make this a series but I had to share the exchange we had last night when I picked up the Princess from Mother's house after work.

"Chris...I don't want to hurt your feelings but...." and off she walked into the other room.

Oh shit, I thought. Here it comes. Is she going to tell me I am gaining weight or that I kept the teeth whitener on too long again? Am I going to be advised that she doesn't like my new haircut, nail shape or taste in clothing? Is my front lawn too long or did she see too many weeds in the front garden when she picked up the Princess? DOES MY HOUSE NEED PAINTING??? OH. MY. GOD. Just SAY it bitch!"

Ok, I am calm now...

She returns with a plastic bag.

"I don't want to hurt your feelings but those Gucci glasses you gave me for Christmas are just sitting here and I will never wear them so I am giving them back to you"

SCORE! I loved those glasses but being the wonderful daughter that I am, thought I would treat my mother to something that isn't 2 for 10 at the local Walmart.

"No problem," I responded. "I'd rather take them than have them not used."

I put them on this morning on the way to work and I was stylin'!

I quickly punched her number...

"Hello, Mom? Thanks for the glasses. I am going to come up with something really good that you're not going to want this year too!"

Gotta love her.

Momma Mia

My sister called on Saturday.

"Chris, did you know our mother was insane?"

"Yup" I responded, "bye" and hung up.

Actually I didn't hang up but in all seriousness, what is there to say after that?

Let me begin by offering this disclaimer: Mom if you ever read this blog, remember I love and honor you so please don't give my share of the will to the neighbor's cat. Thanks.

I have blogged about my mother in the past and unfortunately, she is no fine wine...she doesn't seem to be improving with age.

I had a happy childhood. Mostly due to the fact that I was too young to know how fucked up it really was. I was unaware that people actually got HUGGED from their parents. That other kids were actually told they were smart and/or pretty and/or talented in some way. As an adult I learned that not every mother chases the kids down with a hairbrush or a wooden spoon when pissed off and belts are actually a tool to hold up ones pants.

Hmmm, who would have thunk it?

But that was then and this is now.

Currently she spends her time trying to see her grandkids while not letting her children know that she really wants to see them. The little dance we play goes like this...

She mentions in a round about way that she is available to watch one of our little monsters. This is followed by an hour or two of begging from us for her to actually see the kids accompanied by a list of conditions and a drop off time with a four minute window. It's her game and in order to remain in her good graces, we all play it. (Did I mention there is a will and her house in a great part of town is fully paid for?)

Ahhh but if this were the only dance...life would be good. But alas, it is one of many. Like the way she spoils her grandkids and then complains about it. Or the fact that she has to micromanage every last detail of every outing. If we by chance come up with a plan that fits her schedule perfectly, she will still throw a few monkey wrenches in to gain back control of a previously settled situation.

My sister's story however, was a little loopy even for her.

Sis wanted to go shopping at the mall to pick up a few things for the house. Since she would have the baby with her, she invited my mom to come and help. After doing the time and place dance, all seemed to be settled. Until my sister asked Mom to meet her at her house which is on the way to the mall.

Mom: No, I don't want to drive and waste my gas so you need to pick me up.

Sis: Mom, you're ten minutes in the other direction so we are wasting 40 extra minutes when you can just drive to the house and we can leave from here. I'll drive and I'll give you five dollars for gas to get here.

Mom: But I gave your nephew five dollars yesterday for gas for his motorcycle.

Sis: Yeah....so?

Mom: Well, if you give me five dollars, I am still OUT five dollars!

Sis: ........

Sis: Never mind, I'll ask Chris.

Of course later that night I had to hear from Mom that Sis dumped her because she would rather go to the mall with me and she is very insulted.

I don't know, I don't think the word insane fully does her justice.

Pot Meet Kettle

I was planning on blogging about my crazy ass mother this afternoon but alas, SCM just pissed me the hell off so I am interrupting the regularly scheduled program to shout..

HE IS SUCH A FUCKING ASSHOLE.

Whew. I feel better.

I don't know why I am surprised about the stupid that runs out of his mouth like shit from a goose. I have known him for a dozen or so years and it isn't like he has evolved at all by association. SCM has simply learned to keep his G-d Damn stupid comments to himself around me.

Mostly...

Fortunately, those times when he simply can't control his impulses to embarrass himself, they are small enough infractions that I simply let them go in the interest of peace and tranquility.

His peace and his tranquility. Personally I wouldn't mind a few quiet years in a cell catching up on my reading and reliving the pleasure of cutting his fucking tongue out of his mouth and feeding it to the dogs.

But I digress.

SCM asked a couple of the Princess's friends to join them at a water park one day this coming week. They are a brother and sister of a family that reside in the same nice neighborhood that we do.

Unfortunately, they had to decline due to money restraints.

For some reason, this annoyed SCM and he wrote me this comment...

"WTF? Are they broke? What do they do with their money?!"

The admission to the park is 40 bucks for each child. Add lunch, you are at least talking a $100 dollar day. With two days notice.

This family has lived on our block for several years, the send both their children to private school but live modestly. They have chosen their priorities and I say, good for them.

What makes my head spin around is the fact that SCM has the absolute GALL to comment as to what another family does with their money with this holier than thou attitude. The same SCM that I have allowed to move back in because he couldn't afford the two bedroom apartment in an average part of town and still keep the lights on. The same SCM that will never own a piece of property or anything of value unless a relative croaks and leaves it to him. The same SCM that talks about "trailer trash" as if that wouldn't be where he plopped his stinky ass down each night if I wasn't concerned about my daughter being safe in the places he could afford on his own steam.

Yes, I know this is SCM, the same fucktard that has this question and answer on the front page of his facebook.

Question:

"Who do you love most in the world"?

Answer:

"ME!"

Ya think? I have often said if the Princess, SCM and I were shipwrecked close to a desert island, he would save us both only as a food source.

So this shouldn't surprise me. Disgust, yes. Surprise? I guess not so much.


Have a happy Monday.

In an effort to watch my calories, I brought some yummy Special K cereal bars to snack on. 90 calories each!

Unfortunately, I seem to have consumed the entire box this afternoon.

Losing weight is a pain in the ass. Not only do you have to eat food you don't like, you actually do not get to eat the food you do like!

What is UP with that?

Who can stick to a diet without greasy pizza and take out Chinese on it? Weight watchers has this point system that does permit pizza. Unfortunately, with the extra cheese and pepperoni, I managed to use up a weeks worth of points in 12 hours. (I had the rest cold for breakfast).

So what's a gal to do?

I manage to get to they gym a couple of times a week but I can't stand to feel all gross and stinky. To make matters worse, many a cute guy works out at my gym. I am sure they are dying to go out with some who's face is all shiny and tee shirt is wet at the pits. Good thing they can't see what is happening under the boobs. Cause it ain't pretty, let me tell ya. You know it's bad when you no longer going for a shape like Cameron Diaz but would settle for Bea Arthur....and she's dead!

I hear people with crystal meth addictions lose weight fast but then I'd be tweakin' all the time and I am anxious enough as it is. Besides, that shit is expensive and I can barely pay my visa bill now. A drug addiction isn't worth giving up Prada. No freakin' way. We all must have our priorities in order.

Sigh...

I think I am going to check out the personal ads for BBW on Craigslist. I can get as fat as I want and still be sexy!

It's a win win.

Besides these Special K bars gave me heartburn.

I Love My Job. I Love My Job.

I just don't understand some people

My office is a great place to work. The hours are great, we give free health insurance to all full time employees, we have profit sharing, 401K, 17 days off a year and me as a boss.

Who could ask for anything more?

Apparently Dan.

Dan is fucking up his job and I am going to have to smack him upside the head to wake him the hell up.

Dan has been with the company for over 5 years in a professional capacity. I am not going to get too involved in his position but suffice to say, he gets paid whether he is productive or not. His productivity is expected. He needs to meet with a certain number of clients per day in order to assure money is brought into the business. About six months ago, I found out he was moving his appointments in order to leave early two or three days a week. In his mind, if he can jam people in before 2pm, he should be able to leave early.

Calmly I explained that either he is not giving the client the time they are paying for or if he is able to accommodate people in a shorter period of time, he should see more clients.

Unfortunately, this went in one ear and out the other. It wasn't long before I had to make an official policy that clients can not be rescheduled without direct authorization from me or the Prez. I informed the staff that they are not permitted to do this without said authorization even if directly ordered to do so by Dan.

Yes, this puts them in an awkward position and yes, that sucks. It is Dan's fault and if I were them, I would come down hard on his ass for putting them in such a shitty position.

This past Friday Dan came up with a plan. He had the staff move his appointments up and told them not to tell me! Yup, that was his big plan. Let's sneak out early and maybe Chris won't notice. What the hell is this? Junior High School?

Of course I noticed that at 2:30pm the only sound around the office was my stomach grumbling for lack of lunch. The waiting room was totally empty and so were most of the offices. Being the calm, cool boss I generally am, I lost my shit.

I came down pretty hard on the lady that called these clients and moved or cancelled them and she spilled all. Dan is usually Mr Social Butterfly and he comes in my office often to chat but he hasn't peered his head in once all day to say hi.

I wonder why.

I feel like shaking him and making him understand that he is going to end up losing his job. He seems to think he has total job security. NO ONE has total job security. I am pissed, the Prez is pissed, the secretary is pissed and the office has a chill to it today. He will never get a job like this again and I do believe he is too stupid to realize it.

Since I really do like the guy, I am not looking forward to the "shape up or ship out" lecture.

Dumbass.

Stolen from Passive Agressive Notes dot com.. If you haven't checked it out, it is good for a few laughs on a Monday morning.