Stinky Cheese Man rides back into town having traded his black hat for white with a plan to chip away at the 100 Reasons why I hated the smelly fucker.

Doesn't he understand that I have no material for my blog if he kisses my ass, makes awesome meals, pay the bills and keep the house spotless?

What a selfish bastard.

I am a couple of weeks late. No, I don't mean for high tea at Buckingham Palace, I mean I should have begun bleeding from the crotch many many days ago.

Since I had my tubes cut, burned, tied off and kicked around the floor by the surgical staff, it is very unlikely that a little SCM is cooking. However, since one of his husbandly responsibilities include servicing his wife every night, he noticed that Aunt Flo hasn't been around lately.

Not that he is complaining about the nightly workout but he did ask expectantly if it is possible that our little family could soon include another eating, sleeping, shitting machine.

I pictured this little bald headed, ugly baby with my bad attitude and SCMs horrible sense of humor and gasped. We lucked out with our 9 year old daughter. Fortunately, she is nothing like either of us.

She is actually sweet, funny, loving and generous.

I wouldn't dare tempt fate again.

First let me say that I love my mother dearly. I have to preface my entry with this as my sister has taken to checking on my blog every once in a while and I don't want to give her motive to have me cut out of the will.

So, Mother, yeah, awesome, beautiful and multi talented woman.

I was catching up on your blogs yesterday and came across an interesting entry from Karen. Apparently she was amazed and enamored with a new find called Shake and Bake and mentioned that her mother never used such conveniences while she was growing up.

As someone who practically grew up on Hamburger helper and Shake and Bake, I was jealous that I didn't have a mom like Karen's.

It wasn't until I was out on my own that I found out that green beans and peas don't always come in cans and real soup doesn't require equal amounts of water added. Fresh broccoli and Cauliflower weren't only available at Christmas and Thanksgiving and people actually make biscuits that didn't require being plummeted on the side of the counter to open.

In Mom's defense she was a busy woman. She had all those crosswords to do and black coffee to drink. She was a phenomenal housekeeper and I would never take that away from her. But lets face it, after raising a family, doing all the housework , laundry and running a small company, Mother had it made.

No, no, hold your applause.

She was very talented at painting a room in 1968 and taking credit for it until 1985 when she got around to painting the next one. She also mowed the lawn in the summer and shoveled the walk in the winter.

I don't want her to seem like a spoiled brat, she was anything but that.

Mother is unique and all siblings have to have one crazy parent to create a bond between them and she fills that role quite nicely.

I just wanted some homemade fucking biscuits and peas that weren't gray and squishy. Was that too much to ask?

Why is every neighborhood child under ten in my pool right now?

They all have pools so that isn't it. The kids are always here...playing inside, in the backyard. in the pool or in the oven. (That is just wishful thinking).

Somehow the little shits got together and decided that I am the....Kewl Mom.

FUCK on a biscuit.

All the other parents get to send their kids out for the day to play. Not to be seen or heard from until the street lights come on but not Ms. Chris.

Oh no! I get to watch, feed and clean up after their little monsters every fucking weekend. And when I say every weekend, I mean every weekend.

I was recently informed by one of the snot nosed brats that I rock.

I thought about this for a while. Why do I rock? Why are they here and not down the block? What am I doing wrong?

And the answer came to me.

I don't give a flying fuck what they do here as long as they don't annoy me. The rules consist of no sharp objects, nothing that can cause a flame, don't' drowned the dogs and keep away from my booze. Other than that, it is a free for all.

Every once in a while I will bring out some juice boxes and chips and let them go to town. The dogs manage to clean up what lands on the patio and SCM bitches about old juice boxes in the skimmer but it is well worth it.

As long as they don't bug me.

In essence, I like it because contrary to what you may think..I am kinda attached to my kid and like to know where she is. I am not one to set her loose in the neighborhood looking for danger and destruction.

When she's here and putting dish washing soap in the pool to make bubbles, at least I know she's safe and sound.

Ut oh, it just got quiet, I'd better check for smoke.

Do you know what every one needs?

Space saver bags. You know the kind of bags that you shove your sweater in, suck out the air and it becomes as flat as a titty dancer before the boob job?

Yeah..we all need those.

About...errrr....14 of them.

And the Vidalia Slice Wizard! What a tool! You can slice thick or thin..make frenchfries..MOUNTAINS of them. salsa, tacos. Shit, it is SEVEN different kitchen tools in one!

Of course who could do without the Smart Spin. I mean you need a place to put all those sliced vegetables. It isn't like all of us actually COOK or anything.

Do you know what else everyone should have?

Nine..count them NINE Doo Whoop CDs.

Because you'll need something to listen too as you suck all the air out of those plastic bags and peel and store those onions.

Oh but no one should be without Inner Health Sole pads. These things clear all the toxins from your body through your feet. I guess how toxic you are will be determined by how black and gross those wonderful pads are when you peel them off.

I don't want any toxins in my body. I am sure you feel the same! For $49.95 plus $13.00 shipping and handling..those babies can be yours too!

However, do you REALLY want to know what we all need? Someone of sound mind to pull away the credit card and the cordless telephone at 3am when one has a fever and is buying all this shit.

I have felt like Steve Martin in the Jerk as I lay in front of the television wheezing and coughing.

I need thhhiisssssss. Oh, I've got to have thhhiiissssss.

I mean really, some of this shit is BRILLIANT. BRILLIANT I tell you.

Anyone know what channel QVC is on brighthouse? I have a long night ahead.

I can never do anything half way. You know, like just having a simple fucking cold.

Oh noooo. That would be too freakin' easy.

My sniffles have to turn into coughing which turn into intensely painful hacking which then proceed to turn into right AND left lower lobe pneumonia.

I mean shit, if I'm going to be sick I may as well go for the entire sympathy factor. Which I am demanding and rightfully deserving due to the big ass needle filled with stinging antibiotic injected into by cute but tender tuckus. It was either that or the hospital and I don't do hospitals unless I am birthin' a baby or exiting the universe and as far as I know, neither is applicable to the current situation. At least I have not lost my sense of humor. I made the LPN laugh when she told me my Oxygen level was below 80 and I asked what she expected, when I was given no time to study.

Guess you had to be there.

Now I am stuck in bed blowing into some useless plastic gadget that has a point but I have yet to figure it out and trying to not scream out in pain like a sissy bitch every time I cough.


Hope your week is going better.

Aahhh Chhooo.

I am sick.

Unfortunately, I am not high fever, lay in bed and don’t care if the world goes to shit around you sick. No, I am not lucky like that. I am just sick enough that I feel like shit but must function in daily life. Although I am fixing life’s ass by coughing and sneezing all over the fucker.

So there.

They say a cold is three days coming and three days going. According to that formula, I should have been on the road to recovering just about……….wait for it…….

NOW.

Those theys are fucking liars.

I am not better than I was yesterday, as a matter of fact, I am not better than I was ten fucking minutes ago. I am miserable and whiny and I want my Mommy.

I would call her except she would come over, feel my head, pronounce I have no fever, roll her eyes and go home to call everyone and tell them how she had to spend the night taking care of her eldest…who, as it happens, is such a wimp.

So there will be no calling of the matriarch tonight.

Good thing too because my daughter has been on the phone with her friends for hours. She’s nine. What the fuck do they have to talk about for hours? Old times?

Whatever, at least she is out of my fucking hair so I can wallow in self pity to my dogs who have not left my side all day. Although that could be because I haven’t had the strength or motivation to feed them but I prefer to think of it as loyalty at its most pure and simple.

Maybe I do have that fever.

Isn't it amazing how much snot can actually come out of a person’s nose? Where does this goo come from exactly? A must have snot rags totally one or two gallons of the junk with no end in site. What? Too much information. Hey, I didn't invite you here, you came all on your own.

Mother did just call to pronounce that “Summer colds are the WORST! You will probably be sick for weeks.”

Thanks, Ma. Love you too.

George Carlin 1937-2008 RIP

When I suggest George Carlin should stop performing, I meant retirement, I didn't mean he should stop fucking breathing.

I guess I need to be more specific next time.

George croaking makes me a tad melancholy. He was the first comedian I had ever seen in person as my first husband was a huge fan. 20 years later, it was the first comedian my son and I sat in an audience and shared the laughter together.

In his younger days when he was high on life as much as pharmacology, his observational humor struck a cord with the baby boomers saying things that had yet to be unsaid...especially broadcasted on the airwaves.

During a show in the early seventies, he was arrested for saying the 7 dirty things not permitted on the radio or television. To refresh your memory...."Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, CockSucker, MotherFucker, and Tits". Later it was rebroadcast on a New York radio station resulting in a 1978 Supreme Court ruling upholding the government's authority to sanction stations for broadcasting offensive language during hours when children might be listening.

George is quoted as saying that even though it went the wrong way, he was proud to be a part of American history.

George Carlin had a small part of my history and I am sure many of you at the kewl kid's table as well.

Rest in peace Mr. C and thanks for the laughs.