Real Men Don't Watch American Idol

Stolen Chuckle of the day.

2010-08-24T10:04:00.000-04:00

Ruminations

1. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
3. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
4. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
5. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
6. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
7. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
8. Do you remember when you were a kid playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
9. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
10. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the fck was going on when I first saw it.
11. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
12. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
13. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
14. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
15. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
16. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
17. Was learning cursive really necessary?
18. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
19. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
20. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
21. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
22. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
23. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)...ummm...Goonies"
24. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
25. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
26. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
27. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
28. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
29. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
30. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
31. Bad decisions make good stories
32. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
33. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
34. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
35. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
36. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
37. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
38. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to fall after leaning your chair back a little too far.
39. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
40. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
41. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
42. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
43. When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
44. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
45. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
46. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
47. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
48. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
49. I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
50. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
51. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
52. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
53. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
54. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than with Kay.
55. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

My New Mentor

2010-07-27T11:04:00.000-04:00

I was thrilled to find this terrific advice on writing and I thought I would share it.

HOW TO WRITE GOOD

by Frank L. Visco

My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:

Avoid alliteration. Always.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
Employ the vernacular.
Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
Contractions aren't necessary.
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
One should never generalize.
Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
Profanity sucks.
Be more or less specific.
Understatement is always best.
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
One-word sentences? Eliminate.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
The passive voice is to be avoided.
Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
Who needs rhetorical questions?

Hey Kids

2010-07-18T13:17:00.000-04:00

Just stopping in to see how the kewl kids be. I have been using my blogging time to work on my book and it is coming along...

Slowly....

Of course I will expect you all to buy ten copies.

Hope you are all enjoying your summer.

Chris

2010-04-25T12:11:00.001-04:00

Hey kiddo. It is time I take a break from blogging for a while. I have too many balls in the air and don't have the time nor the energy to keep up on this.

Of course I will still check your blogs like always.

Open Fields, Flowers and Sunshine? BLAH

2010-04-20T15:16:00.000-04:00

Every time I return from visiting New York it feels like I am leaving home all over again. I know I belong in the city as I lament over the loss of the noise, traffic and grime because sunny greenness of Florida is both blinding and annoying. So as usual I am frantically contacting head hunters to find me a gig up north to get me the hell away from this clean living and family oriented town. When nothing comes up, I will settle back into this pick up lovin’ town until my next trip stirs me up once again.

Speaking of southern way, bringing a hard core red neck chick to the Big Apple was a hoot . It was her first visit so all her preconceived notions about Manhattan based on television and movies. We stayed midtown so I decided that we weren’t going to take taxis but were going to utilize the subways the entire trip. I had to talk my friend down from frantic when I mentioned this to her as she expected dark, dingy, platforms with no other people but murders and rapists. I guess Hollywood prefers to depict the NYC of the 70s and 80s. Clean, graffiti free, well lit stations and trains don’t really make good television.

So we shopped in China Town, ate in Little Italy, were entertained by Broadway and hit a good portion of the 250 plus Starbucks on the island.

Anyone know of a decently priced walk up available in the East Village? You know I must be really homesick if I am willing to forgo an elevator and doorman.

2010-04-13T10:00:00.000-04:00

My daughter has shitty taste in music.

There, I said it.

I have been pushing this fact out of my mind for several months lately in hopes that she would outgrow the hideous genre that she has adopted as her style.

Dare I name it?

Hip Hop and Top 40.

Lady Fucking Gaga?? God of Music...Say it isn't so!!!

She has been raised on a mixture of classic rock and new alternative. Musicians that have something to say and use their talent to say it. Her father is a musician as is her uncle and her brother. They play real instruments, several each as a matter of fact and yet, computer generated CRAP is what she adores.

I have to wonder; where oh where did I go wrong?

More importantly, is there some kind of recovery program I can get her into?

Pride

2010-04-12T09:40:00.002-04:00

There is school pride.

Gay Pride

Lesbian Pride

Pride of Country

Pride and Prejudice

Pride Prejudice and Zombies...

But the stupidest pride is the one that leaves you heartbroken and alone.

Now that kind of pride is just fucking sad.

2010-04-09T10:33:00.002-04:00

My vacation plans are driving me crazy. I know I am a spoiled bitch and have no right to complain but my girlfriend is expecting my feedback on everything from hotels to breakfast delis to subway lines vs taxis on our fun filled trip to Manhattan next week and my family is attempting to get my opinion on beach front condos for summer vacation.

And I simply don't give a shit.

Really...

I want to go away. I do. I just don't want to have to think too much about it. Tell me where to be, at what time with approximately how many credit cards and I'll show up with a bathing suit or parka or whatever the situation dictates.

I have to admire both of their tenacity in trying to find the perfect hotel at the perfect price in the perfect location. I just would admire it even more if neither cared what I thought. I really have no opinion other than those limited by budget restraints and dates. In other words, I have the when and how covered,they can feel free to cover the where.

This is why I like cruising. There is a lot less thinking involved.

My link of the week are some travel horror stories. Enjoy and have a nice weekend kids.

Signs Signs Every Where There Are Signs.

2010-04-08T12:53:00.001-04:00

I am one of those people that believe in destiny and earthly signs that show us the way and lead us to that destiny.

Naaaaa. But I had you going there for a sec, didn't I?

What I believe in is that we are all just stumbling around this planet bumping into one another, shoving the nit wits out of our way and attempting to move forward to get to that ultimate prize of death and decay.

If we are lucky, along the line we'll find a few laughs, some worry free sleep and a great lay or two. That is it.

Like most of us, I have had my heart broken. Even pined over people that I should have moved on from a lot sooner. But when all is said and done, being heartbroken is a selfish state of mind in that you didn't get to keep that person that you wanted to do things for you. That person who was going to save you from yourself and make each day on that road to death a little easier to take.

It occurs to me is that person is usually a hellavalot of freakin' work. Because while they are being your person, you've got to be theirs.

How annoying.

So my thought is to put out a personal ad that reads:

Witty, charming and perfect in every way, especially in her own mind, woman seeks great guy. Must not watch American Idol or have any needs at all. Yearns to take care of another human being emotionally, physically and financially while getting nothing in return except an occasional thanks and a smile.

Think I'll have any takers?

Words of Wisdom

2010-04-06T14:37:00.000-04:00

Life doesn't give you unlimited chances to get what you want so you'd better take it when it is in front of you.

AND

Don't try to dump your coffee out the window while going 60 mph on the freeway.

Whatcha got for me?

I'm NOT With Stupid.

2010-04-05T10:47:00.000-04:00

As my constant readers are aware, I do not do well with stupid. The Mt Dora Urologist that posted the ridiculous sign above is a prime example. As a matter of fact, I think I will send an "IM WITH STUPID" tee to his wife.

I had the pleasure of catching Dr Jack Cassell who I will henceforth refer to as Dr.Pee Pee on Fox news this morning. He was waving around someone else's summery of the health care reform package and quoting from said printed internet copy.   When asked why he didn't get involved sooner, he said he would have if he had read it and been informed earlier what it was all about.

If he had been informed earlier...

This bill affects my livelihood as well. I had read through three drafts of 2500 plus pages before the final bill was passed. I had summarized each page, put neat little circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, Googled what I didn't understand and formulated an opinion as to its merits and disadvantages.

Dr. Pee Pee has no plan to ever read what he is so actively criticizing on every news center that will have him. Dude, if you're going to have an opinion, please at least educate yourself as to what you are protesting against. My cheeks literally burned when I found out this guy was essentially my neighbor and colleague. I was so embarrassed for him and how he was humiliating himself publically to everyone that knew the “facts” that he was spouting off about were incorrect.

This law has a lot of problems. A L O T. There are parts of it that I would like to stand up in Congress and shout “WHAT THE FUCK WHERE YOU PEOPLE THINKING?” Although the AMA came out for the bill, I don't expect all medical professionals to be sheep and line up behind their representing organization in Congress. What I DO expect is for a physician to take the time to know what is going on in their country as it is happening and not attempt to play fourth quarter quarterback equipped with a soccer ball and sprained wrist just for the publicity.

Dr Pee Pee, I hope for your sake this goes away because I don’t think you’re going to get many referrals from my neck of the woods. Very few want to be associated with your idiocy in any way. Our patients with bladder problems that are no longer going to be rejected as pre existing won’t be sent to you even though they are now insured. Our patients who are still in school, over 22 and are now covered under their parents insurance won’t be sent to you. In a couple of years, when hundreds of thousands of new lives will be covered in our area?

You won’t be seeing a dime of that money either.

Which is all well and good if you are standing up for your principals.

Perhaps next time you'll take the time to find out what those principals are.

2010-04-01T13:23:00.000-04:00

Easter is coming and I have to tap into my savings account.

As children, my siblings and I figured out that waking up early on Easter morning looking for hard boiled eggs that none of us particularly liked, was bullshit. After a year or two of mom and dad trying to recall where they hid the suckers as we watched on uninterested, a new plan was created; buy the hollow plastic ones and fill them with cash. Now THOSE were worthly of the time it took to find them.

If you're thinking we were selfish, greedy, little kids...good call.

As the years and generations have passed, those little hollow plastic eggs that contained pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters now are filled with good ole American paper money. If an egg makes noise when shaked, it means someone has found the booby prize of coins. Poor kid gets less than a buck for his or her trouble. Awwwww.

So I am off to the bank to get fifty bucks broken into different denominations so I can honor the rising of our dear saviour Jesus Christ by encouraging greed and promoting capitalism.

Have a happy Easter or fun weekend depending on what floats your boat.

Just Thinkin'

2010-03-31T08:58:00.002-04:00

Kermit sings about how difficult it is being green. Well, I got news for him. Being beige, brown, black or yellow ain't so hot either.

I have to wonder why the older one gets the harder it is simply to just be a person. I thought I would have all the answers when I got to my 40s but all I have is a mountain of new questions. It seems once I think I have answered one of them, two more pop up and I realize that I will never grasp even a tiny bit of all there is to know and learn. There simply isn't enough time.

So I read what and when I can and I listen to people that know a hell of a lot more than I will ever know as I ignore the people who just think they do. I take the time to try to understand the other point of view even if it makes no sense to me personally. Occasionally I even allow myself to be swayed. I envy the people that jump in with both feet and I pity the ones that are too frightened to take a chance. I try to find a balance of those two that I can live with.

And I wake up every day knowing that time isn't always on our side.

2010-03-29T12:25:00.000-04:00

Do you think wearing teeth whitening strips as I sit at my desk at work is inappropriate?

When the only time you can perform personal hygiene rituals are at the office, you know that you are far far too busy. I actually snapped at the little Korean guy giving me a pedicure on Friday evening to “stop yammering on the phone and hurry the fuck up”. Since I don’t speak a work of Korean I am sure he was telling his coworker that I must be under a lot of stress in a caring and sympathetic way.

Or maybe not…

Does anyone know how to say nasty ass bitch in Korean?

I am quite accustomed to it being crazy busy at work but now it is getting completely out of hand. On top of all the things that are going on politically including the Senates inability to repeal the Medicare SGF before they all went to Daytona Beach to tan for spring break, I also have issues with being without a personal assistant to ~~abuse~~ help me.

It shouldn’t be my job to locate a plumber to unclog a toilet. I don’t even want to know about the toilet let alone have to give information of the particulars of said clog over the phone.

Just….no…

Of course with my last two personal assistant disasters and my lack of any qualified person currently on staff, I am hesitant to rush the process. I want to find the right person who can take my shit, not piss me off, and still manage to use the brain God gave him/her without having to ask questions regarding every detail. Don’t get me wrong, technically my last two assistants were really perfect.

If I could combine them.

Unfortunately, I don’t think they would be willing to undergo any kind of genetic splicing and cloning for 12 bucks an hour and a free cell phone.

So now I will remove my white strip and get on with my day. I need to file my nails at 1 so I’d better move it. Have a happy week kids.

2010-03-26T11:21:00.002-04:00

One of my facebook "friends" asked me today if the baby my son was holding in a picture was my grandchild. Umm, no, it is my niece and by the way, go fuck yourself.

Well, that just struck me in the ole ego as much as being invited to a ménage à trois and finding no one else showed up.

I find little consolation in the fact that she hasn't seen me in more than 20 years and technically my son is old enough to have fathered a little bastard. I am not ready to be looked upon as a grandma.

I was on a high for a few weeks when the "Guess Your Age" guy at my local county fair had me 10 years younger than I am. This after guessing the woman in front of me two years older than she actually was. I guess she didn't get the memo that the Florida sun will give your wrinkles wrinkles.

But all that went down the drain with that one question.

Is that your grandchild?

I was actually shocked when I read that some of my kewl kids are already grandparents. I would have never guessed it. Libby was recently so blessed, Tammy is expecting her first and I was surprised to see Kay is old enough to have grandbabies. If I didn't mention you and you are indeed a nana or pop pop ~~you must really look like shit~~, I didn't realize you had grandkids. Hide them and deny, that is going to be my motto too.

I have solved this ego problem by doing what any other normal person would do. I defriended the bitch and took that damn picture of my son and my niece out of my photo album.

Excuse me, I must go now and photo shop my new facebook profile picture.

Since it is Friday, my link of the week will be photoshop disasters. I can't do any worse than those!

Have a great weekend kiddos.

2010-03-24T10:08:00.000-04:00

Golden to Silver Val has provided me with a circle of friends award. While I'd much rather have the cash, I accept this award and would like to thank all the people who got me where I am today....

A crazy ass bitch with a bad attitude.

I am even more grateful for this award because recently I have had nothing of interest to write about and someone including Christine as a friend is most definitely blog worthy. I am usually the one with the restraining order taken out against me. That being confessed, there are rules and even though I am not good at following rules in general, I will do my best to comply for Val's sake.

I need to do this fast because I need to find Vals phone number and address to start making plans for our summer vacation. Since I plan to call her many times a day as good friends do, I need to give her the opportunity to increase her cell plan minutes. Oh hell, I may as well move in since that is what friends do? Isn't it? I don't have much experience. I wonder if she'll allow me to use the bathroom first in the mornings.

Anyway...here we go:

First, you post about your award, advising who gave it to you and create a link back to their blog. (check)

Then you list five things that make you happy.

I am happy:

1. When SCM is involved with a new computer game so I know he won't be bugging me all evening.
2. When SCM cleans the entire house before I get home because he wants to play his new computer game and not get bitched at first.
3. When I receive a nice new credit card in the mail with a huge limit. (Of course that soon turns to dismay when the first bill comes.)
4. When I come home and the chocolate cake I hid in the back of the refrigerator the night before has not been found.
5. When my next door neighbor walks though the dog shit on the curb that she didn't pick up from her mutt the previous day.

Last, pass along this award to five bloggers who make you smile.

For this you have to look over at the Kewl Kids Table. Everyone of those folks make me smile when I see they have updated. Although I don't always comment, I am always reading. You all keep me going throughout the shittiest of days and I appreciate it more than you know. So accept this friend award and post your five happy things.

2010-03-19T10:04:00.001-04:00

I am so not in the mood to deal with the work thing today. It is barely 9:30 and I have already had a patient crying in my waiting room about how he is going to lose his house and it is our fault because we won't testify that he is total disabled in order for him to get social security

Sorry dude but it might have something to do with the video tape provided to us with you and your buddies running around a basketball court doing more twists, turns, blocks and shots than the entire Magic team has managed this season.

I have to wonder what these people are thinking? If they have a pending lawsuit against their employer for a workers compensation injury, why wouldn't they assume that catching them doing something they claim they are unable to do wouldn't be in the insurance companies best interest? I once saw a man in a wheelchair that stated, he is unable to get up without falling, leave his appointment, get out of his chair, left it into the back of his pickup truck with no difficulty, get in and speed off without a care in the world.

Dumb ass.

Unfortunately, when you deal with injuries, you are going to get a lot of players. People that will go through needless procedures and tests in hopes of making their cases stronger. People that make appointments for medical treatment and then proceed to spend 30 minutes bitching at the clinician for filling out their disability form "wrong". Those folks that provide him or her with a completed form with the "correct" answers and tell him or her to just "sign here".

The biggest problem that arises from the players are that we in the field become cynical which makes the person really in need of help be doubted.

Of course it isn't fair or right but unfortunately, it is human nature.

Here are some stories taken from the ER that make me feel much better about what I have to deal with. Have a nice weekend kids.

2010-03-16T09:29:00.001-04:00

Did you even wonder who the people are that choose which television shows stay on the air and which are shit canned?

Well, those folks would include me and my dysfunctional clan.

Yes, we are a Nielsen family. Since American Idol is still on the air, I don't think we are doing our job quite well enough. Honestly, choosing us makes a lot of sense. We have the bitter and bitchy mom workaholic who would rather watch paint dry than any of the shit shows currently being broadcast, the bipolar father who can't stay on one freakin' station for five minutes at a time, the son who watches slash em movies by day and porn by night and the daughter that is perpetually engrossed in Sponge Bob Square Pants 24/7 on Nickelodeon or, on the very rare occasion it isn't being shown live, Nick on Demand.

If that is not the typical American family, I don't know what is.

Often I am tempted to put PBS on all four televisions and go to work. Unfortunately, the system nags you to verify you are actually present every so often and I've yet to train the dogs to hit the OK button when the light starts to flash. It is on my list, however. Somewhere between fetching a ball and not eating their own shit.

However, if you have a program that you're attached too, let me know and I'll turn it on before I do something more important, like play Mafia Wars on facebook.

Enjoy your day.

2010-03-10T11:25:00.000-05:00

If today is the first day of the rest of my life, I think I am going to find myself a nice secluded cave in which I can curl up and die.

I would donate my body to science but the thought of all those pre med snots playing catch with my eyeballs and hide the organ with my liver freaks me out a bit. Okay, a lot.

As a peruse my calendar I see annoying court dates where I am acting as an "expert" witness. If you actually knew me, this would seem very funny to you.

The only thing I am expert on is which take out place has the best fried rice and what kind of shoes go with which bag.

Between the court appearances I have endless days of pointless meetings with vendors who want to sell me shit I can't afford, marketing firms that want me to pay them money I can't afford so I can "make more money" to afford to buy shit off the sales people and months on end of giving my dogs their heart worm medication. Can you see why the cave idea is so attractive?

Well, to be honest, I have one weekend trip planned next month. It is a jaunt to Manhattan to show a redneck friend the big city. That is going to generate a week worth of blogging material..maybe two if she wears her Confederacy flag sweatshirt.

Have a nice day kids.

2010-03-05T13:18:00.003-05:00

How about some silly work pictures for Friday's site of the week?

No?

In that case, you're fired.

Home Remedies.

2010-03-04T11:58:00.002-05:00

I just pulled my bottom lip away from my teeth, took a package of McDonald's salt and poured it directly onto a canker sore that has been bothering me for a couple of days.

It is no longer bothering me.

IT IS FUCKING TORTURING ME. Sting, ouch, whaaa.

WTF was I thinking???

Oh, I know. I was thinking that my mommy always did this to me when I had a canker sore as a kid and it seemed reasonable to put salt on an open wound at the time so hand me the shaker dudes and let's party.

As I sat back down at my desk with a hint of tears in my eyes, I decided to google whether or not this home remedy has any merit. Now most intelligent people would have done this prior to inflicting severe pain upon themselves but I never claimed to be most people and the jury is still out on the intelligent part.

Lo and Behold! I found this...

How Stuff Works says a home remedy for treating a canker sore is to do the following: Combine 1 teaspoon salt, 1 teaspoon baking soda, and 2 ounces hydrogen peroxide. Mix and rinse your mouth with it four times daily. If the taste is too strong, or the tingle uncomfortable, dilute with 2 ounces water. You can also just rinse your mouth with lukewarm salt water. Or, if you're brave, just apply a little salt directly to your wound.

So apparently Mom was right. OH and I am brave instead of stupid for not knowing gargling with salt diluted with water was an option.

Who else has a odd home remedy from childhood? Did it turn out to be true or a myth?

Time To Make The Donuts

2010-03-03T10:14:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was my 16th 29th birthday.

Which makes me actually 45 if you've been educated by the southern USA school system.

For some strange reason, I was recalling my first clock in, clock out and get fucked in taxes job. It was at a Dunkin Donuts across the street from my high school. I may have blogged about this before but I am old, bitter and my memory is for shit so deal.

It was also my first experience into the world of flirtation from a male that didn't still have pimples and jerked off nightly to the Farrah poster on their bedroom wall. (As legal adults, they could now jerk of to the current Penthouse. )

Looking back I am sure I was smokin' hot in my pink cap and smock with the smell of grease seeping out of my pores but the attention was something pretty freakin' ego building even if it was by chain smoking, coffee drinking guys with Guido accents and bad hair.

My job was a donut finisher. A few days a week after school I would pull trays of donuts out of steel lockers and make them into boston creme or blue berry or coconut or whatever was missing in the display cases. (Note, NEVER eat the coconut, the sugar sauce they use to make the coconut stick to the donut is disgusting.)

At 5pm the owner and his wife went home and two of us girls were in charge until the "Time to make the donuts" guy came in at midnight. One of us worked the counter and the other one had to clean the donut finishing area. Believe it or not, I would always choose cleanup. I had a great system for this. I would use a regular garden house that I would drag in the back door and spray everything down. There were drainage holes in the floor so after 20 minutes of spraying it down I would use a floor sweeggy thingy to push all the powdered sugar and jellied goo down the holes. It was a brilliant plan that would have never occurred me. Fortunately, I was specifically forbidden to do it this way on my first day due to some health department rule about hot water, contamination and blah blah.

So I got that all night duty out of the way in about a half hour and then proceeded to stand at the counter flirting with the customers and putting counter payments in my tip jar.

I can't believe they had the nerve to eventually fire me.

Oh, and that thing about cops and donuts? Totally true. Every night several area cops would come in for donuts and coffee on the house. Not that my employer offered that particular perk but having the cops around at night while two young girls ran a shop alone? They could have anything they wanted as far as I was concerned.

What was your first job kids?

2010-03-01T17:06:00.001-05:00

Dating hints for Real Men

There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...

I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.

I used to come here all the time with my ex.

Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

Do you like this shirt? My mother picked it out.

Since you look like a liberated chick, I'll let you pay.

Remind me to give you the number of my sister's plastic surgeon later.

We really need to hurry. I need to drop you off and be at the bar. Bambi goes on at 10.

Couldn't resist sharing a good forward. Have a great week.

Men. The Other Red Meat

2010-02-28T13:18:00.000-05:00

It is time I did a post centered around the main theme of this blog. Talk about tangents, I've covered everything from mammograms to the ole yellow gloved finger up the ass and that was just my last post.

Men. No, REAL men. The kind of man that only seems to exist in my imagination.

Since I threatened to blow SCMs head off and leave the brain and blood splatter as a fond memory on my living room world, it is clear me that the relationship has again taken a wrong turn.

Currently I believe he is taking to the authorities about entering the witness protection program.
Since we've established that a REAL man doesn't watch American Idol, perhaps I need to make myself clear as to what a REAL man does do...

1. A REAL man can fix anything back to full working condition using only the shit that is in his garage.
2. A REAL man drives himself to the hospital when he accidentally sliced a chunk out of his leg with the chain saw he was using to build his woman a nice deck.

3. A REAL man knows that when a woman has her hair up and a pair of ratty sweats on, romance isn't in the cards but asking her to pick the DVD while he makes the popcorn is.

4. A REAL man can make a women feel safe even after taking a wrong turn into the worst part of town with only his presence as a weapon.

5. A REAL man has a hobby that is outdoorsy like golf or fishing or playing touch football with his buddies on the weekend. His hobby definitely doesn't involve titty bars, internet porn or hookers.
6. A REAL man can program a DVD to record, change the ring tones on a phone and can find and empty an temp internet folder.

7. A REAL man changes oil, washes his women's car and vacuums it out just because he loves her. He can also shrug off when she points out the water spots he missed.

8. A REAL man understands that his woman may make more than him and isn't emasculated by it but also doesn't spent his time sitting on his ass plotting how to spend it.

9, A REAL man loves Led Zepplin and The Who and not only doesn't know who Keith Urban is, he doesn't give a shit.
10. A REAL man smells like cut grass and soap and not cigarettes and yesterday's underwear.

11. A REAL man can still make his women feel like the most gorgeous women in the room even after she just tripped on her feet and fell on her ass.

12. A REAL man would never own a cat unless his women insisted and then he must pretend to hate it when others are around.

13. A REAL man understands that in a two person working family when he runs a vacuum or cooks dinner he didn't do anyone a favor.

14. A REAL man always fights for the check but will let you win sometimes.

15. A REAL man can tell a good joke and doesn't screw up the punchline.

16: A REAL man will sit on the floor playing a board game with his kids and lets the work emails and calls wait.

Okay, perhaps I am too picky. Maybe I could compromise if someone only had say ,,,fifteen of those traits.

See, I can be flexible.

So if you know a guy like this. Please send him my way. And if you have a guy like? I don't want to hear about it you lucky little shit.

To my lady readers..what do you want in a REAL man?

2010-02-26T12:53:00.002-05:00

Today was the day I dread for the other 364 days, 8736 hours, 524160 minutes...well you get the point...

It was time for my yearly female examination.

There is nothing I enjoy more than laying spread eagle with my feet in stirrups having a virtual stranger shove a metal instrument up my vagjayjay and a gloved finger up my bum. Well, unless you count lighting my cigarette off the stove and setting my eye brows on fire. That was fun too but not quite as much.

What was even more disconcerting is my doctor is very chatty. I am sure your daughter is doing just wonderful at college, making loads of friends and enjoys the meal plan but could you hurry it along a bit? I've got a root canal at 5.

As I squish out bowlegged looking for a rest room to wipe the gobs of lubricant off my bottom, I get handed the dreaded mammogram prescription.

FUCK. Didn't I just have one two or seven years ago? That should be enough. I have to say that I am one of the fortunate women who is well endowed in that area. From what I understand the gals with the itty bitty titties have to get pulled and manipulated a tad more. Me, I just pick those babies up, plop them on the slab and let them go to town.

Hmmm, maybe that was too much information but seeing I already mentioned that a gloved finger was shoved up my ass, this seems benign compared to that.

Only 31 million seconds until my next appointment.

No link today. I am far too traumatized.

2010-02-25T10:20:00.000-05:00

It was about that time that I needed to upgrade my cell phone. Even though I was perfectly happy with the one I had that was a foot long and required my passenger to stick an antenna out an open window, I was getting too many complaints.

So I did what ever conscientious consumer does. I researched reports, compared pricing and features and shopped plans.

And if you believe that I have a very nice sturdy bridge in Brooklyn I am selling cheap.

What I actually did was ask opinions. Friends, coworkers, people on the street....

"Hey Dude! Can you do anything special with your cell phone?"

Which more often than not was followed by "Get the fuck away from me, you freak."

Finally an ex friend told me I might like a Blackberry. I say Ex because I hate his fucking guts and would like to slap him and his mother for giving birth to him.

Currently I am looking down at it while it vibrates and flashes and I don't know what the fuck it wants. Should I feed it? Does it want to go for a walk? Does it need to potty? I have no idea but it is damn persistent what ever it is. I tried to press some buttons but all it did was make some chime noises which I assume is its way of laughing at me.

I have two choices. I can google the instructions and learn how to use it OR I can put the fucker back in the box and send it back to ~~hell~~ AT&T.

I will let you all figure out which one I am going to choose.

2010-02-23T11:09:00.000-05:00

I have been proposed to four times in my life.

What does that mean?

Basically that there are four really stupid men in this world.

Two of them I married, one I considered marrying for about 2.3 seconds and the fourth I can't even remember his last name. (I feel a little guilty about that one).

As much as I hate to admit it the days of bewitching men seem to be over for me. I don't know many dudes that are seeking 40 something women with cottage cheese thighs and saggy boobs. Even if they are 36 double D.

36 Double D at 30 is hot. 36 Double D at 40 means picking those baby's up off my stomach to strategically maneuver them into a breast reduction bra so I can button my blouse.

For a while I refused to admit I was no longer the hottest ticket in town. SCM still thinks when I leave the house I have men following me around like the Pied Piper of Hamelin but the reality is, the only men that are following me are holding "Please give what you can. God Bless you" signs.

I guess it is time to trade my big girl panties for granny panties and admit to myself the future belongs to the hot young thangs with long hair, tramp stamps and low rise jeans.

Fucking whores.

2010-02-22T10:23:00.003-05:00

Well, Monday came around damn fast, didn't it? One minute I am gleefully playing computer games on face book in the comfort of my own home and the next I am playing facebook computer games at work. As the main support of my family, this is indeed my cross to bear.

Sigh...

There seems to be lots of whispering around the ole office today regarding my special snowflake employee that supposedly quit last week. He is here today but I am not sure if he is working out his notice or is pretending it all never happened.

Either way I don't give a shit other than the effort it will take to replace him. I am certain there are many gossipy busy bodies that google property values of their coworkers and patrol the hallways so they don't miss anything beating the pavements looking for work.

Although I am not so sure there are many grown men that are willing to shout that they ARE QUITTING in front of a patient they recently performed surgery on.

I'll just do the best I can.

Comment of the day by Coffeypot:

I would just walk up to his desk and say, "I thought you quit. What are you doing here? SECURITY!!!!" .

Beautiful.

It Is All About The Journey

2010-02-21T13:12:00.000-05:00

When writing a book, it is all about the journey. Even a humor novel based on trailer trash, missing teeth and navigating dog shit in the yard has to take the reader some place.

Which is why I am blocked.
Where the hell am I taking these people other than the market to pick up Captain Crunch, Bosco and a carton of generic cigarettes? There has to be some sort of growth other than the one growing on the back of the antagonists ear due to bad hygiene and an inflamed pore. Each chapter need to bring the reader closer to a resolution besides the protagonist finally getting her stolen EBT card back from her ex boyfriend who lives in a Who Farted tee shirt and Pathmark pick a pair flip flops.
Sigh…

Well even though I am shelving yet another one, I did get a small blog entry out of it so it wasn’t entirely pointless.

Hope you enjoy your week.

2010-02-19T12:48:00.000-05:00

Although I liked to consider myself a fair and decent boss, I was told in no uncertain terms yesterday how very wrong that idea was.

I guess it had something to do with calling a 50 year old man a big baby and applauding and whistling when he shouted that he was quitting.

I am not going to get into the issue but suffice it to say, I was totally right and he was totally wrong.

Naturally.

Unfortunately, he won't really quit. The Gods haven't been smiling down on me that much lately and that would be too good to be true. He'll simply spend the weekend fuming and come back Monday pretending the incident never took place.

Although I did put his job on Craigslist just to fuck with him. Hopefully he'll notice it when he is trying to talk himself into how much better off he'd be working elsewhere. Shit, there is only one job for my profession in town. Ut oh, it's mine.

That's gotta hurt.

So lets make our website of the week all about me, shall we? Check out some more really bad bosses and have a good weekend.

Ash Wednesday

2010-02-17T09:51:00.000-05:00

Today is Ash Wednesday. For my Jewish readers, that is Yom Kipper light. You do get to eat as long as it isn't charred animal flesh. Well, unless the deceased is post sea dwelling. Then chop off the head, serve it up with white wine sauce and bon appetite.

As tempting as it is, I will not be attending mass and getting dirt smeared on my forehead this year. I refuse to waste the 100 bucks I spend on a facial last weekend to clog my pores with ash and oil. Religion is one thing but a big red zit on the center of one's forehead can be quite traumatic. I think God is with me on this.

When I was a teenager, Ash Wednesday was a time to go hang out with friends for a few hours on a school night getting stoned and shooting the shit. We just had to remember to smear our heads with pot ash before we came home. I think God was with me on that too. I have no doubt after seeing a platypus that the big guy parties.

Today is the beginning of Lent. A time for penitence, prayer and sacrifice (Don't you just love Wikipedia?) I've read some blogs by people that are publicly proclaiming what they plan to give up. I will give up what I have given up for the past 25 years.

Lent.

Sorry but I simply can't get on board with the thought that God expects me to give up my Starbucks Carmel Frappucino for 40 days. He can't be that cruel.

Many of you know that I send my kids to Catholic school and I force them to participate in the senseless rituals. Does that make me a hypocrite?

Fuck yeah, but if I had to do it, they have to do it. Life is unfair and the sooner they get used to it the sooner they will realize that life sucks and then you die a meaningless death all alone as your soul is snuffed out and everything about you is forgotten forever.

The good news is that 40 days gives me just enough time to shop for a great new pair of shoes for Easter.

2010-02-15T17:30:00.000-05:00

I admire the folks that can update their blog each day. I am not nearly that creative or interesting.

And I am sure you kids don't want to read an entry like this:

Woke up, pooped, ate Cherios that aren't my favs but that were on sale buy one get one free at Publix, had to poop again (the fiber I think) took a shower, applied makeup, dried hair and proceeded to work. Gave the asshole that was doing 50 in the fast lane the finger as I roared around his piece of shit hybrid and made it to work late as usual anyway.

Got my coffee, listened to three people tell me about their weekends and how incredible their kids are, tuned them out while playing the Rocky theme song in my head, did a little work, ate an apple, felt a little gassy (more fiber) and went to a meeting. Tuned THAT out, (Go Rockeeeey), and came back to my office. Did a little more work, checked Failblog and Failbooking and my Face Book Mafia Wars game until it was time for lunch. Opened two packages of instant oatmeal, added the water and put it in the microwave for three minutes. Walked away, came back to oatmeal paste. Chastised myself for not remembering it is supposed to be TWO minutes. Added water to make it watery paste, said fuck it and ate it anyway. Felt like I had to poop again. (Read the Oatmeal box. Oatmeal has fiber G-d Damn It!)

Mediated a dispute between two employees also known as prevented a freakin' cat fight, told them to close the door on their way out and read some email. Spam, spam, porn, porn, make your dick bigger, make your dick wider, spam, spam, important message, last chance, huge savings, spam, porn, spam, make your dick AND tongue longer (that one I read).

Downloaded an new audiobook from Audible called Helping Others Be Efficient Like You and did this blog entry.

Who the hell wants to read THAT shit?

It is FRIDAY!

2010-02-12T11:23:00.000-05:00

I am laying in bed with my squishy pillow and blankie all comfy and snuggled in when the phone rings.

" 'llo"

It is one of those freakin' telemarketer recordings...

"Please hold while we connect you to the next....."

Click.

W.T.F.

One day I decide to sleep in before a doctor's appointment and some damn recording dials my number and puts ME on hold.

I have to wonder, who are the people that actually hold for the next available...

I mean a good percentage must or these annoying solicitations wouldn't continue to use this method. They are nothing if not clever to find ways to get your ear.

I must confess, I am not on the do not call list. Since I have an unlisted number, I don't get called that often and have never bothered to register. Perhaps today is the day. I really desperately needed that extra hour of beauty sleep.

My web site of the week is...

Fun With Telemarketers. Just some clever ideas to fuck with them.

Have a great weekend boys and girls.

2010-02-11T10:25:00.000-05:00

It has taken years of careful research and trial and error but I finally have figured out the kind of gentleman that is perfect for me.

He enjoys eating the heel of the bread.

Maybe you think this is a little thing but I have mentally calculated how much bread I have disposed of in my lifetime and the numbers are huge. I am talking enough to feed a small village in Africa for a week.

Although with my luck, they won't like the end of the bread either.

White, wheat, honey wheat, whole grain, rye and on very special occasions I have been known to buy a loaf of pumpernickel..each and everyone one has two pieces that end up in the trash.

We do have a duck pond in our neighborhood but the request to go feed the two leftover pieces to the ducks no longer bring excitement to the Princess but eye rolls.

Maybe she knows the ducks are sick of the end pieces too.

So if I could just find a guy who not only doesn't mind the heel of the bread but actually LIKES it and looks forward to it, my world would be a perfect place.

Well, provided he finishes the last 1/4 of the soda bottle as well. That always ends up flat and poured down the sink.

2010-02-08T11:43:00.000-05:00

Oh cranky patients, you are the bane of my existence.

There are three types of nasty ass patients that make me want to rip the script for percocet out of their hands and consume the entire bottle myself;

1. The "I am in pain and you all can fuck yourself" patient. This type of asshole is much easier to deal with than type 2 or 3. After all, if a patient has a legitimate medical condition that makes them a bit testy, I've got to at least sympathize. Even as they are informing me that I am the most inept person on the planet and should be rolled in dog shit and consumed by flies.

2. The "There is nothing physically wrong with me but I will pretend in order to get attention, disability or a big fat lawsuit settlement." Often all three. This is the patient that has quit their job stating a bad injury and gambled their family's financial stability on the outcome of a couple of medical opinions. These contemptible folks think that if they scream really loud and stomp their feet the staff will come up with a disabling diagnoses that will put them on the dole for the rest of their lives. You have to mentally picture a person that thinks they have hit the jackpot by receiving $900 bucks per month for them and a couple of hundred each for their snot nosed brats from social security.

Close your eyes. Got the mental image? Good. Moving on...

3. The "I am a paying customer and I want it done yesterday" patient. These are the people I would gladly throw off the balcony and experience great joy at the resulting splatter. Since they pay their insurance premiums and a copay, they think that everything should stop because they walk in the door. They need a form filled out and are informed that it will take a couple of days to get to? Patient 3 uses their favorite term:

THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE.

Term is also used when they can't get an appointment at 2:30 on a Saturday because they are only available at that time. Or their surgeon of choice was called over to the hospital due to a bad motorcycle accident and would they mind seeing another clinician for their post op check? Or could they get off their cell phone so the nurse can take their vital signs? Unacceptable, Unacceptable, Unacceptable.

Looking forward to a simply wonderful week.

Hope you all have the same.

2010-02-06T17:38:00.000-05:00

Is it normal to be sitting besides your life partner and daydreaming about plunging an ice pick into his heart for no reason other than he happens to be close enough to do so?

Didn't think so.

Well, could it be normal to be disappointed when you find out that the internet friend he talks to half the night; the person you had hoped was an emotional affair in the making, turns out to be a 50 year old man with the same star trek game addiction?

No, huh?

Okay, one more try. Is it customary, when your significant other inquires as to what he can do to make you care for him to respond, "You can stop breathing and I promise to remember you fondly?"

Fuck. This reconciliation thing isn't going as well as we both had hoped.

Comment of the day by Jay:

I used to work with a woman who said she was tired of her coworker constantly hanging around her trying to be her friend and even asking her out once. He was harassing her, he just liked to be around her. But, she found him really annoying. I told her he was just a little needy and lonely because his wife had recently died, expecting her to be understanding.

Instead she turned to me and said "Well I don't blame her." haha ;-)

A woman after my own heart.

2010-02-04T21:19:00.000-05:00

I had to fire two employees for cause this past week. Although they really left me no choice, it is difficult to let go of long time employees even if they fucked up.

The first one got caught manipulating her time card for extra hours. Before you ask, yes, it is entirely possible she had been getting away with it for six years she has been with me before it was noticed by a ~~busy body~~ fellow employee.

The second was pissed off at me for not giving her the promotion she wanted several months ago and proceeded to tell my new hire how much the company sucks, how "clicky" the staff it and how she can't wait to find a new job and get out of there.

I simply helped her along on her quest.

I let them both go the same day. Dealing with one teary eyed worker is enough, two was a bit too much even for the likes of me.

Friday is our staff meeting and I can tell you this right now; there is a lot of tossing and turning going on this night with the less than stellar employees. If nothing else I think I succeeded in letting them know that, while I try to treat people well and fairly, if you do not show me respect, I won't be keeping you on.

No matter how long you've ~~gotten away with it~~ been with the company.

In keeping with my being a bitch boss, my web site of the week are some bad boss stories. When I read these, I feel a little better about these two women trying to figure out how they are going to pay their rent next month.

2010-02-02T09:21:00.000-05:00

Let's see. What have you kids missed.

Friday one of my clinicians verbally attacked a surgery tech and called her a lazy fucking bitch in the middle of clinic. Damage control on that one was really pleasant.

Sunday the office was broken into and our 65" LCD TV used to entertaining people waiting for loved ones is now in someone's van trying to be sold for pennies on the dollar.

Monday morning I got to see the CSI unit at work and it isn't half as interesting as it looks on television.

Monday afternoon I had to fire a long time employee for adding an extra couple of hours a week on her time card.

Monday evening I was stuck in the office until 9pm for all the locks to be changed.

This morning I didn't have time for my usual peanut butter toast breakfast and picked up a breakfast sandwich from Mickey Ds. My stomach is now in rebellion mode and threatening to reverse gears.

So...no time to blog. Hope your week is going better.

2010-01-29T09:38:00.000-05:00

Welcome to Friday's Web Site of The Week. Instead of more Fail, today's site if full of Win. People can be so creative. Take a look at the fun.

Have a nice weekend kids.

Breaking The Rules

2010-01-28T12:20:00.000-05:00

I really believe that employees do their best work when they are free to be creative and not have supervisors constantly looking over their shoulder. Micro managing be damned. Do your job and I don't care if you surf the Internet and tweet ten times per day. I mean not that I would ever use the office computer for anything besides issues directly concerning the company but my dedication is to the extreme. I do not expect the lay person to emulate moi.

Unfortunately, every few months I have to rein in the folks that begin abusing my "do your job and leave me the hell alone" policy of staff control. I have to post a list of rules. Personally, I think these issues are common sense but I kid you not, each ones of these have been broken in the past six weeks or they wouldn't be on the list.

1. Do not put urine in the break room refrigerator. There are no exceptions to this policy.

2. Do not bring your children to work with you when they are sick and they can't attend school. There isn't enough hand sanitizer in the office to make people feel secure as they watch your 7 years old's snot roll out of her nose and pool on your desk.

3. It is very important that you phone in when you are unable to work. Claiming your co workers saw you sneeze twice yesterday doesn't count as letting us know you are sick.

4. You are responsible for keeping your work place clean. Please do not leave half eaten, opened boxes of donuts under your desk. (And then act horrified when your chair is covered in ants the next morning)

5. Having your friends stop by and hang out in your office for two or three hours isn't permitted. Having them surf a work computer while you shout out the address of your favorite You tube video, also not permitted.

6. You must clock out if you leave the building for lunch. It is highly unlikely when you come back with shopping and fast food bags that you ate at your desk while working as you claim.

7. Personal phone calls are to be kept to a minimum or on your break times. When I am trying to reach your extension for an hour, walk in and you are discussing the tacky shoes Maria wore at the rehearsal dinner, you aren't going to be able to spin that into a work related issue.

8. Keep your cell phone on silent. You may love your ring tone of the Star Wars theme song but when it is combined with your office mate's Ludaris' How Low and Keshas TikTok I tend to get a bit testy.

9. We have a dress code. You have signed off on it. You can even buy the appropriate clothing and have it payroll deducted. Please tell me where you read that pink converse with neon green laces and a white tee shirt that says Did You Eat A Bowl of Stupid for Breakfast are appropriate for a medical facility?

10.If you are scheduled to work at 8 am you should clock in at 8 am. Having your friend clock you in at 7 am so you can get some overtime to pay your past due cell phone bill won't endear you to my heart. As a matter of fact, that one will get you fired.

Thank you for your cooperation in these matters.

Customer Service.

2010-01-27T15:30:00.000-05:00

Are patients customers? Sure, technically I would have to say they are. Whiny, complaining, cranky customers but customers nonetheless.

It does seem to me, however, that an adult would know the difference between slapping down ten bucks for a double cheeseburger meal at Wendy's versus paying that same ten bucks as a copay on medical services.

But alas, often they do not.

As I sat in my office earlier, minding my own business and ~~playing Mafia Wars on Facebook~~ deligently working, I heard a commotion from down the hall. I knew I would get dragged into it sooner or later so I opted for the later.

The later was a matter of seconds. My accounting supervisor came in saying that a patient is demanding a refund of his copay and is super pissed that she is refusing to give it to him.

"Did he have the services?"

Yup, he did. He just wasn't happy with the results.

"Would you go speak to him?" she implored.

Sigh...

I squared my shoulders and prepared to enter the war zone. Now the way Skippy explained it, he came to our office specifically to get a prescription for the drug oxycontin and the physician he just saw refused to give him one. Therefore, he does not want his insurance charged and he demands a full refund of his ten dollar copay.
When I informed him that would not be possible as he was examined and did receive treatment he shouted:

"I AM THE CUSTOMER AND THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT!!"

No, he didn't get his refund and yes, he left with the typical backwards shouts stating he is going to sue me, my children's children and my goldfish Killer.

I can just picture the reason for the malpractice lawsuit...

Failure to give junkie his fix of choice.

Mommy's Special Snowflake

2010-01-26T10:24:00.000-05:00

An employee's Mommy just yelled at me.
Pouts.

It seems I am a very bad boss to her little 22 year old princess and she is outraged.

It all started rather innocently. My receptionist announced that Mrs. Fuckedupbitch was on line 2.
"Who?" I asked.

"Mrs. Fuckedupbitch", she repeated. "Tiffany's Mother."

Since I had just passed Tiffany in the hallway I was curious what this could be about. So I made a huge mistake. I took the call.

"Hello Mrs Fuckedupbitch. What can I do for you?"

"I WANT TO KNOW WHY YOU ARE MAKING MY DAUGHTER COME INTO WORK WHEN SHE IS SICK." This was yelled so loud I had to literally hold the phone away from my ear.

"Ma'am, I really have no idea what you're talking about. Do you want to speak to your daughter?" I asked, not wanting any part of some crazy dysfunctional family drama.

"I HAVE ALREADY SPOKEN TO MY DAUGHTER. SHE SAID YOU WOULD FIRE HER IF SHE CALLED IN SICK TODAY."

While I didn't say that today, Tiffany has taken far too many days off and I am aware that her direct supervisor has her on probation due to that fact. It is quite possible that she would get fired if she called in but I certainly wasn't sharing that fact with this crazy bitch.

"Listen, your daughter is an adult and I am not discussing her employment status with you or anyone else." I responded.

"WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO, MISSY (yes, she called me Missy) IS MARCH RIGHT UP TO HER AND SEND HER HOME. SHE IS FAR TO SICK TO BE AT WORK."

"Mrs. Fuckedupbitch, I have been more than polite and patient with you. If your daughter is sick, she should be mature enough to make the decision as to whether or not she should be at work."

"So, you wouldn't fire her if she had phoned in?" the shrew replied almost nice.

"I certainly did not say that. What I said was as a grown person out in the working world, your daughter has to set her priorities and determine if there will be consequences to actions either past or present and deal with them."

That was as close as I got to saying what I really wanted to say which was this:

If your dumb ass bitch daughter didn't phone in almost every Friday to go to the mall and spend the paycheck she got on Thursday on ugly belts, tacky hoop earrings and jeans that show off her tramp stamp she wouldn't be in this position.

"FINE!" (I guess the exchange of niceties was over). "TRANSFER ME TO MY DAUGHTER RIGHT NOW. SHE IS QUITING AND NEVER COMING BACK."

I didn't even say goodbye as I transferred the call back to the operator so she could find precious Tiffany.

Five minutes later, Tiffany barged in, without knocking, not the least bit embarrassed but with an attitude of her own.

"I Do NOT appreciate you talking to my mother that way."

Oh God, did I go to sleep and wake up in opposite land?

"Is there something I can do for you Tiffany?" I asked exasperated.

"No, I quit." and with that she flung her parking card at me and stormed out.
Good riddance to you and your crazy ass mother.

Why do I suddenly wish that Tiffany didn't know what I drive?

Comment of the day:

Evil Twins Wife: I never read such a clear-cut case to actually show that assholism does indeed run in families.

My Kid The Nerd?

2010-01-25T10:36:00.000-05:00

When I think nerd, I picture this.

Not that there is anything wrong with being a nerd, I mean someone needs to invent the next big computer operating system, but my kid doesn't seem to fit into what I always assumed a nerd was. To me a nerd was a super smart misfit who dressed like their parents and were socially retarded. So I was shocked when she informed me this past weekend that she is in the nerd group at school. This is a kid who spends hours on the phone with half the girls in her class and went over her text messaging limit by 1000 this month. She is style conscious, outgoing, thin and active. Okay, she wears glasses but a third of her class does as well and some of them are "in" with the popular group.

So, I asked her...

"What makes a person a Nerd?"

She looked at me like I was socially retarded and said...

When you're not one of the popular kids.

Now I had a dilemma. I can't ask why she isn't one of the popular kids, that makes it sound like she should be or I am disappointed that she isn't and yet, why wasn't she one of the popular kids?

I think she is pretty kewl myself.

Not to mention I wish she were more nerd like. She would be getting much better grades and I could start planning to be supported by her in the future.

The problem is, I don't know if there really is a problem. She didn't give the nerd title as if it were a particularly bad thing so maybe the hang up with the title is mine.

I am picturing the kid that sits alone, covered in cat hair and smelling like mothballs. Maybe the nerds of the 21st century are a different breed.

Comment of the day:

Jay: I really kind of hate the way the popular and good looking kids took the "title" nerd away from the real nerds. It's typical of them really. Once it became trendy to be a nerd, they wanted to be called one too.

But, until someone threatens to kick your ass if you make a perfect score on another physics test, or you get shoved into a locker by some other jock, you're not really a nerd. haha ;-)

Made me LOL so you get two for one today.

2010-01-22T11:25:00.000-05:00

see more funny facebook stuff!

Stolen from Failbooking.com.

Stressful Day.

2010-01-22T10:48:00.000-05:00

Awoke to bad storms and tornado warning. Bad employee day, bad hair day, bad attitude.

I need something fun as my website of the week.

Check out THIS humor site for some laughs.

Have a great weekend kids.

Keep Your Dented Cans Beotches.

2010-01-21T12:26:00.000-05:00

Those of you that have gotten a feel for my personality in the past few years know that I am the first one to help anyone in need. Present a worthy cause and I am on it. I've donated funds to everything from Save the Frogs to covering a fellow blogger's electric bill.

However, I always make sure my help is needed and that I am not simply doing it to give myself a warm fuzzy feeling.

As I pursued Craigslist today, I noticed several churches asking for donations of things to send to Haiti. A couple of minutes on Google and you will find that they simply don't want our shit. They have no place to store it, no one to sort it and no one to deliver it.

It gets me wondering. Who exactly are these organizers of donations doing this for? Yes they have good intentions on the surface and maybe deeper than that but I think getting involved in more than a send a check and be done with it kind of way makes them feel good about themselves.

Really folks, that isn't the point. If the point is to help, do some research, pick your favorite disaster team that is there setting up and send them the funds to do their job. That is what they need. Meaning well is one thing, actually doing what needs to be done is the right thing. If all you have to donate is time, set up a car wash or a yard sale and send the cash so they can help these people with services not bandaids.

And keep last year's bikini and your dusty canned peaches with heavy syrup.

Maybe I am being too harsh.

2010-01-19T09:46:00.000-05:00

Yesterday evening at the supermarket I witnessed one of the most horrifying things I have ever seen.

Two brothers fighting over who gets to push the cart.

As Mom perused the canned green beans, Lucifer and Beelzebub were going at it like two Rottweilers fighting over a poodle bitch in heat. When the pushing turned into punching I glanced over at Mom to see what she plans to do to end the conflict before massive bloodshed. She looked over at me gave me a boys will be boys shrug and turned back to the buy one get one free Green Giant succotash.

I quickly left the aisle before I was struck with a badly aimed punch and could still hear the shouts from the beasts half way across the market.

The situation got me wondering, why do so few parents actually control their hellions anymore? I can’t even count the amount of times I have seen a toddler throw his or her body on the floor having a tantrum as Mommy stood by trying to rationalize with the monster. Or worse, offer them treats to bribe her way out of the situation. One woman went so far as to tell me it is a stage and he will grow out of it but for now, she is trying to teach him to “self comfort”. Have the brat “self comfort” in your overprices SUV so the rest of the world doesn’t have to hear it, you bitch.

These are the same parents that think it is perfectly reasonable to allow their spawn to run around a restaurant so the “adults” at the table can finish their own meals and talk. They are also the same parents that will sue the breadsticks out of Olive Garden when a waitress dumps a tray full of hot coffee on Damian because he ran straight into her.

I am far from a perfect parent but that shit didn’t fly with me. Due to my lack of ambition and culinary stills, my kids both learned to eat out politely from an early age. On the rare occasion they did experience a melt down and I left my gag and duct tape at home that day, I took them outside and reminded them just how much trouble they will be in if my entrée got cold.

Am I getting crankier in my old age or are these little shits more out of control than ever?

2010-01-15T13:33:00.000-05:00

My New Year's Resolution was to stop giving people my

What are you some kind of idiot?

look.

Well, I made it two weeks. Of course the first week I was on vacation and I took off this past Wednesday so technically I made it four days.

I really try not to be condescending, I really do but when I am asked the same questions over and over I get a tad cranky. I don't think I would even mind if it were reasonable questions that require some thought. But I get questions like

The sky is purple...right?

You can eat dirt as long as it is covered in Bosco...correct?

I told him that he can make an appointment as long as he jumps off the building with an umbrella fifteen minutes prior. Is that okay?

Notice how these decisions have already been made and I am expected to confirm that they were made correctly. So instead of being asked...

Are we supposed to take the change from the parking meter and shove it up our ass?

I get

By the way, I shoved three quarters up my ass and now need to be reimbursed. Is that okay?

If none of these things make any sense to you...welcome to my world.

I am changing my New Years Resolution to something a bit easier to keep. Like promoting World Peace.

In keeping with idiots at work, my Friday web site of the week is Overheard At The Office. Have a great weekend kids.

Can You Help?

2010-01-14T15:47:00.000-05:00

As most of you know, a major earthquake struck southern Haiti on Tuesday. Haiti is one of the poorest countries on earth and will need the world's help in saving the injured and rebuilding. At the very least, go to your local blood bank and give a pint of blood. If you have the means to do so, please donate to the Red Cross or Doctors without Borders by clicking the below link. Even five dollars will help send medical teams where they are most needed.

I am very proud that Americans always come to the aid of people during tragedy despite our problems at home. Please do what you can.

2010-01-12T11:13:00.000-05:00

I actually found myself writing an email to a friend last night explaining that I was going to be friendly and call but decided that I didn't really feel like it.

Yeah..I was thinking about you enough to consider saying hi but not enough to actually walk all the way to the phone, pick it up, search for your number, dial and then spend time hearing about your boring little life. Maybe some other time.

No wonder my Facebook friend list is so pitiful.

The bottom line is I hate talking on the phone. It doesn't matter how much I like you or how long it has been since I've seen you. Juicy gossip doesn't do it. Well, maybe if the mayor got caught fucking his bassett hound in the park.....again. But even that can be said in a text message or email.

I was calling my son out on the fact that he never calls unless he wants something.

"If I called to say hi, you'd ask what I want and why I am bothering you for no reason!"

Touche.

I have friends that will stay on the phone for hours. I had friends that kept me on the phone for hours. Notice I said had. I can't stand that "I know you have to go but let me tell you this one thing..."bullshit. Unless it is goodbye, I don't want to hear it.

Even though I have probably ruined at least one serious relationship and a dozen potential friendships due to my avoidance of Alexander Graham Bell's instrument of torture, I wouldn't have done it any other way.

What about you?

2010-01-09T10:59:00.000-05:00

Is it written somewhere that married people actually have to be seen in public together? I could have sworn I read all the fine print in the marriage contract and the prenup and that isn't mentioned anywhere. Nonetheless, I found myself out to dinner with SCM last night. When I offered to buy him dinner for his birthday, I didn't think he would actually expect me to go with him! WTF??!

I think the paying gesture was more than enough. He even could have invited a date, I didn't give a shit.

But alas, I found myself at Outback last night with SCM, the princess and my son..who no longer resides with me but never passes off a steak and a beer if Mom's footing the bill.

Now everything was going smashingly until SCM got sick of the silence and decide to talk. Actually, it was number one son's fault because he told a story about some traffic that kept him from being on time. I then had to listen to 15 minutes about how driving the speed limit is illegal if everyone else is speeding because it messes up traffic flow.

Whaaaa.......??

Isn't that sort of like Mother's ..if all your friends jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge....?

My problem is I can't just shut my fucking mouth, nod and smile. No, I need to give him my beloved you're a freakin idiot look and point out the holes in his theory.

When will I ever learn???

If that isn't bad enough, he insists on cracking one liners to the waitress. Unfortunately, SCM isn't funny. As some of you know, he likes to think he is, but....not so much.

I cringe when he gets the inevitable what the fuck are you talking about look and nervous chuckle and wish I could claim he was a homeless man that I picked up in the parking lot and decided to feed out of the goodness of my heart.

My first husband had no sense of humor either but the difference is, he never claimed he did. My son was reminded of that recently when his gift from his Dad was some kind of hand tool. His dad asked if he knew what it was and the kid quipped... "An automatic gerbil retriever?"

His dad didn't get it.

It appears SCM and I are the happiest couple in the world. As long as we don't vacation, travel in a car or go to a public place together.

I need to find a good lawyer to draw up a post nup to add those provisions.

I added a new kewl kid. Doc has some peeps in New York and thinks I am funny. One can't get much cooler than that. Check him out.

Link of the Week

2010-01-08T12:31:00.000-05:00

Okay, I'll admit it. I am homesick. Home is and will always be New York no matter how many years I rot away in this swamp of a state that isn't fit for human inhabitance.

I've been planning to move back for years but things keep happening that prevent relocating. Oh well....some day.

Anyway, here are this weeks fun and interesting sites. As usual, if you've discovered a good one yourself, please share.

Overheard in New York. Title requires no explanation due to my extremely intelligent reader mix.

And...

I Spy New York. A great blog with many pictures and small stories about things around town.

I am thinking about a weekend home. Whos' with me?

Well, the weather outside is frightful...

2010-01-07T15:32:00.000-05:00

Winter has come to Florida. We get an actual winter once every three or four years with temperatures highs in the 40s and 50s and temperatures below freezing overnight. Personally, I am loving it.

First of all, I look damn cute in sweaters and jeans and second, my hair looks great without all the humidity frizzing it out in every direction.

Oh and my rings aren't tight around my fingers due to the hot weather swelling up my fingers like Ms. Piggy's.

I love getting home and throwing on a pair of sweatpants a big baggy sweat shirt and my santa clause sleepers that I received as a Christmas gift.

And cuddling under two blankets and a quilt with the pillow being cool is simply heavenly.

Ahhhh...

Sure there are bad parts...

I don't like getting out of the shower and having to put on bathrobe on right away. I prefer to do hair and makeup in a towel.

The electric heat dries out my skin and I have applied more lotion to my body than two whores oil wrestling.

I could only find two gloves and they don't match so I do look a little strange to the toll collector.

And there was actual FROST on my windshield this morning. FROST! As in I couldn't leave because the wipers wouldn't work and I couldn't see. Of course scraping it was totally out of the question so I had to wait for the car to heat up enough to melt the shit.

All in all, I think I'd like another month or two of winter weather. Next week's forecast has it warming up to the mid 60s so it appears 10 days is all we get this year.

I'll need to stock up on frizz freeze again.

2010-01-06T10:04:00.000-05:00

Today is SCM's birthday. I know you all have to get back to your party plans so I will be brief.

I arrived home yesterday evening to the princess doing homework and no SCM in site.

"Where's your father?" I inquired.

"In the bathtub."

Now to most people, this would be a perfectly natural statement. Putting aside the joke of SCM not actually bathing at all, when he is in the tub it is an indication that he is depressed or upset in same way.

Since the world revolves around me, I was aggitated that after working 11 hours I now had to deal with that shit.

Apparently I was wrong. He toweled off, put on three sweaters and thermal underwear (It is 40 degrees in the sunshine lately) and climbed into bed.

Lest you think I am totally heartless, I did ask if there was something I could do for him.

"Yeah..shut the door on your way out."

Yup, I could do that.

I ate the dinner he saved for me in the microwave, put the Princess to bed and logged on facebook.

SCM had made an entry 1 hour before. It simply read "FUCK!!!"

Even odder, two hours before that he had been playing Mafia Wars and offered his friends a bonus for killing Tony Soprano or whatever. So something occurred within that time frame. Hmmmm.

Not to be the type of person to leave my curiosity unsatisfied, I went back in the room with the door now closed and inquired as to what that FUCK!!! was about.

"Where were you after work? You signed off over an hour before you got home?"

I explained if he really must know, I was picking up a birthday gift for him.

"I hope it wasn't anything music related."

It wasn't.

Again I was instructed to not let the door hit me on the ass on my way out.

So here I sit, in my office, still clueless about what crawled up his anal sphincter and died.

Was the comment about music a hint? Did the band break up?

SCM will talk when he is ready. And talk and talk and talk. I guess I should appreciate the silence while it lasts.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now I would like my internet kewl kids to give me an opinion on something. Here is the situation...

I am currently hiring a part time file clerk/operator. I put an ad on Craigslist and received over 100 replies so far. I screened some and gave the best six to my lead person so she can decide who she wants to meet. She decided to meet them all and leave the final decision to me. No problem.

Applicant two comes in for her interview. She meets with the lead person who comes into my office to see if I have a free parking voucher. (Free to the person I am giving to, not free to me). I told her I was out of them and she stated that her present interviewee parked in the garage and has no money to get out. Please be aware that there is a huge sign outside the garage that states "$4.00 parking. No exceptions."

I instructed her application be filed under "no freakin' way" sight unseen. My lead person said she was impressed with her and thought I was being hasty. I feel if doesn't have the common sense to follow simple directions she doesn't need to work for me.

So, dear friends, what do you think?

2010-01-03T22:41:00.000-05:00

"Hi. My name is Pam and I am a big fat ho."

Pam was the self appointed greeter representing the bar I hung out in on New Year's Eve. When you think of a bar full of classy people all dressed up in their glitter and bows to ring in the New Year you do not think of the Parrot Room, Nonetheless, the Parrot Room was where I found myself and where I met Pam and her cast of outrageous characters.

I had friends visiting from New York and right before I was to meet them I had a frantic call freaking out that they brought nothing dressy to wear for a night out. Having been to the Parrot myself a few too many times, I dutifully informed them that shirts were required, shoes were optional and if their jeans have been washed within the last month, they are already attired better than the average patron.

Why, you may ask, was this the place that I choose to bring my treasured guests? Three very important reasons...in no particular order...

The bands are good and happened to be great that night. (My son was featured on guitar)

The drinks are cheap and the bartender pours liberally.

The characters are even more entertaining than the bands.

I started the night by buying a round of Tequila for the group to get the party started. The waitress brought a cup with some lemons in it but no salt. "Oh, the salt shakers are on all the tables" she waved her hand around in no particular direction.

There were none on any tables we could see. Fortunately, my new best friend, Billy made it his mission to find some salt for our shots. He came through like a trooper. I purchased five shots and had only four friends willing to partake so Billy had himself a little treat for his hunting ability. We toasted the New Year, Pam the big fat ho and Billy the salt searcher.

When the band began to play, one couple had made it to drunk enough to dance. (It was early yet.) Now I am not such a great dancer so I seldom critique those with the balls to get up in front of others and make a fool out of themselves. But this guy was too much. His dancing consisted of three moves. My favorite was him being hunched over and dragging his knuckles on the ground like a monkey in time to the beat. We gave him a hoot, holler and round of applause when the song ended and he came to join us. He introduced himself as Roger and his wife Penny.

Another round of Tequila and another toast to Pam the big fat ho, Billy the salt searcher and our new friend Roger the monkey dancer.

The Parrot has a deck outback where the people go to ~~smoke weed~~ get some fresh air. Since smoking any legal substance is permitted in the bar, outside is pretty much reserved for the fresh air gang. I came out to find my friends hanging with our new buds (no pun intended) in a circle. Of course I knew this was a bonding moment so a put my arms around Billy and Pam's waste and started singing kum ba yah.

One guy thought this was hysterical and laughed so hard beer was ejected out of his nose in a sudsy stream. Anyone that gets amused by something so stupid is certainly worth knowing so I made myself known to Tim.

Back inside another round of tequila and a toast to the New Year, Pam the big fat ho, Billy the salt searcher, Roger the monkey dancer and Tim the beer snot man.

The entire night continued in this way and a great time was had by all. I am taking my friends word for this fact since after Tim the beer snot man I forgot my name, where I was and what year we were in the process of celebrating.

Happy New Year to all my kewl kid friends. My sincere wish for love, health and success in the New Year but most importantly, a lot of laughter.

2009-12-28T16:32:00.000-05:00

As I sit here enjoying one of my favorite Christmas presents...the XL box of Milk Duds from sis, a few things occur to me about this wonderful time of year. I will share them with you now.

First, Milk Duds really are best enjoyed in private. Who needs an audience when you are prying the delicious caramel chocolaty goodness off your back teeth and gums?

Second, being sick on Christmas has its advantages. You get to hang out, collect your gifts, observe enough shit to gossip about later and then spend the rest of the day in bed listening to your new audio book in peace.

and last if you give your kid a gift card to a store he doesn't like, he will sell it for 50 cents on the dollar to get a couple of burgers and a milk shake. Next year just get him the fast food gift certificates and be done with.

Life is about learning. I hope you walk away with something useful here today.

Merry Merry

2009-12-24T10:55:00.000-05:00

Here's a little quiz for you all. I am printing it out as a game for my get together tonight. I will post the answers when I get around to it.

1. Including Rudolph, how many reindeer pull Santa's sleigh

2. According to the Christmas song, who had "a jolly happy soul"

3. Bing Crosby told us that he would be where for Christmas?

4. Who wrote the following words?
"It was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge"

5. Plus or minus one year, how long does it take a Scotch Pine Christmas tree to reach a typical retail height of 6 to 7 feet ?

6. What was the first thing that Scrooge purchased after his change of heart?

7. In the familiar carol, what line follows ?God rest ye merry Gentlemen??

8. What line follows ?Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house??

9. In the familiar song The 12 Days of Christmas, what is the gift on the fourth day?

10. In which celebrated film does James Stewart attempt suicide one Christmas?

11. Which was the first ghost to visit ebeneezer scooge?

12. In the film 'Die Hard 2', which airport did the terrorist take over on Christmas Eve?

13. Who stole Christmas from the town of Hooville?

14. Which Christmas treat was first used to keep noisy children quiet during the church service ?

15. How many gifts would you receive if you received all of the gifts in the song "The Twelve Days of Christmas?

16. What is the name of the popular red Christmas flower?

17. In the song "I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus", where was Mommy when she was kissing Santa Claus

18. What is the name of the holiday celebrated in England and other Commonwealth countries every December 26th?

19. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was created as a promotion for what department store?

20. What was the name of the magician with the magic hat in the 1969 TV special "Frosty the Snowman"?

Merry Christmas To All and To All a Good Night.

Ho Ho Ho and a Bottle of Nyquil.

2009-12-23T11:27:00.000-05:00

My little bastard son gave me a cold. I am a whiny miserable sick person and just want to be left alone. However, seeing I am having a party for a dozen or so people Christmas Eve, I guess that isn't a possibility. So I am trying to get through the next day and a half in my office without killing someone and then suffer through the holidays with my family without killing someone. The familar is so comforting.

I had to interrupt this entry to talk to an employee that knocked and asked if I had a second. This is never good.

The bitch just told me she misses her newborn and has decided to become a SAHM for a while. "It is better for the kid's well being" blah blah blah. Yeah, but what about ME? Now I have to find someone and have her trained right around the holidays. Inconsiderate piece of pond scum. Always worried what is best for the children. Like they remember who it is that wipes the shit off their ass at this age anyway.

So now I am sick, miserable and have to sort through two hundred resumes from under qualified people claiming great customer satisfaction (hooker) or wonderful communication skills (Phone sex worker).

I am not exaggerating about the amount of applications I will receive. It is sad in the sunshine state. Unemployment is greater than 12% and I will receive resumes from people with MBAs and PHDs but desperate for anything at this point.

As a business person, I won't even consider anyone like that because the reality is, the entire time they are working answering the telephone, they are going to be seeking something better. I can't blame them but I can't afford the staff flip every three to six months either.

I am going to blow my nose now. What, too much information? I didn't describe it or anything...

2009-12-21T13:39:00.000-05:00

I usually confine my comments about work to bitching about my employees. I tend to not talk about the customers as I like my job and getting sued isn't conducive to job security.

My customers are more precisely known as patients. Which is kind of ironic because most tend to have none of that particular quality. Cranky injured people have the right to be bitchy and since I personally don't have to deal with their whiney asses, I don't give a shit. Besides, people in pain may be short tempered but are normally grateful for the help and are seldom just plain nasty.

However, the folks that do bring sharpened tongues, and occasionally sharpened knives, to their appointments are the drug seekers.

This charming group of folks will lie, manipulate and steal to get their drug of choice and if you happen to be between them and their goal, you will be run over like the dog they think you are. I am fortunate enough not to have to deal with these people directly very often. When I do, it has usually gotten to the point where the city's men in blue have to be called in to taser the fuckers and drag them across my nice Italian tile floor kicking and screaming.

Since we are all not cruel and evil bastards and my practitioners have taken that pesky little Hippocratic Oath, we do provide drugs for pain relief when warranted. However, they are carefully monitored and patients on long term drug therapy have to sign a contract agreeing to be drug tested and take the medication as prescribed. This has led to its own little problems and hilarious situations. I have decided to share a few of the more ingenious excuses and plots with you kids in the coming days.

I will start with Mrs. Olnrickedy. Mrs. O looks like a typical grandma that you would expect to see mixing up a batch of oatmeal raisin cookies for the kiddies. But looks can be deceiving. She came to us severely addicted to Percodan. She was easy to spot as are most patients that come in stating they just happen to be allergic to every non narcotic pain reliever known to man and can ONLY be helped by -------- (Inserts drug of choice here). The deal with Mrs O that makes us all sympathize is that she really does have a very painful chronic condition. Although you want to be able to give the patient some help, the more opiates she takes, the less they seem to work for her. So she resorts to using tricks in order to get the extra she "needs".
I have to hand it to Mrs. O that she was pretty clever and she really let the grandma look work for her for an awfully long time. However, they all get caught eventually. It is just a matter of time. It appears Mrs O had gone to kinkos with one of our prescriptions. She whited out the date and made a few dozen copies. She would carefully go over the writing with ink so it looked new and date the script with the same pen. She also, and this is most important, paid cash for her drugs at different pharmacies. This is the detail that most drug abusers miss. Even if you go to a different pharmacy, if insurance is playing the bill, they are going to question why Dr. Feelgood is prescribing 200 oxycontin per month. But Mrs O didn't take the chance. She was smart...but not quite smart enough. What she didn't realize is that pharmacies often send faxes to offices requesting refills when a patient requests one but have none left. Apparently she was calling around her usual pharmacies trying to gather up her drugs like a little squirrel for the holidays and two pharmacists faxed over requests the same day. Two or three phone calls later, a few copies of prescriptions and an embarrassed Mrs O on the phone and her little game was over.

I strongly suspect she will be spending this Christmas in rehab.

Have a great week kids.

Thursday's Friday Link of the Week

2009-12-17T15:22:00.000-05:00

So, I am a day or so early. Sue me. I've got tons of shit to do and didn't want to neglect the kewl kid's table as I am sure none of you can sleep in anticipation of what link I will post each week.

Today I have two.

First, something for the kiddies. Email Santa, track his progress, play games, find out if the brats are on the naughty or nice list but most of all it will keep them the hell away from you so you can finally wrap some gifts in peace.

Second, if you are in the same Bah Humbug mood as I. Click here and shoot Santa over a cliff. It is really quite a good stress reliever!

I wish they would make one for ex-boyfriends.

2009-12-16T12:06:00.000-05:00

Now that the company luncheon is over it is time to prepare for our drunken bash on Saturday night. For the record, I hate this one too but it is a lot easier to disappear when you aren't confined to a conference room not to mention there are no fights over who gets stuck sitting by Stinky MacStinkass. We can just lead her to a corner surrounded by her PigPen fog that can act as a warning to all.

My date this year is Number One Son. You may be wondering why I won't be including SCM. If you are wondering, you haven't been reading my laments very long. I will fucked him, bring him coffee and take his money but I am damn sure not taking him out in public. He and I don't do well outside of the house. I admit, my expectations of his behavior are far too high. I mean who am I to request he not hog the microphone during karaoke, tell inappropriate jokes or grab my ass in front of my employees.

I am so freakin' inflexible.

My son works in my office on occasion acting as my bitch. Most recently moving people around and putting together desk to accommodate Smellslikeass's need for a ~~closet~~ office of her own. The gang likes him and has invited him to hang out with them at the party. If nothing else, I have a designated driver although I suspect it might work out the other way around.

Tonight is the Princess' Christmas Program. I can call it Christmas because she is in a catholic school so no PC holiday titles required. I got to thinking about how much I used to like my Christmas programs at school. It was so exciting being in the classroom at night with our pretty new clothes, games and the teachers acting like real people. The glitter of the decorated gymnasium and the butterflies before we went on. Scanning the audience for Mom and Dad and being so excited to finally locate them. All the parents gathered around to pick up the kids when the show was over.

I hope the Princess's memories are just as nice when she gets to be an old cranky bitch like me.

Merry Christmas Muther Fu...

2009-12-15T13:12:00.000-05:00

Today is the company's annual Christmas luncheon. So obviously I am sitting in my office with the door closed, blogging. I plan to continue this behavior until the last possible moment when I can walk in, slap a piece of ham on my plate along with some other casserole looking mush and a crusty deviled egg or two.

I brought the ham so I know it is safe for consumption, the rest will end up casually tossed away. I've seen many of these people's homes. If it ain't store bought in factory sealing, I ain't goin' near it.

Shudder.

What freaks me out is most staff actually enjoy these little get togethers. True I allow them a longer lunch and pay them for it but geez, they have to hang out with the folks then spend the other 364 days a year bitching about.

So I will go in, collect my cheap secret santa gift of CVS candles or last year's regifted body lotion, smile and laugh in fake delight and merriment.

All the while thinking...

Bah Humbug fuckers.

So Much To Do, So Little Time

2009-12-12T14:19:00.000-05:00

Geez, am I behind in life or what? I haven’t sent out a Christmas card, made a cookie or wrapped a present. I wouldn’t have any lights on my house if SCM hadn’t been ambitious and skilled at ladder balancing on rain soaked soil and begonias.

However, I have almost completed my shopping. This is no great feat as I am a shopaholic and buying things for people year round is a hobby of mine. I just have to slap a bow upon them and voila, greetings of the season.

I did get some bad news recently. A mass was discovered on my kidney several months ago which required test upon test upon test. I was hoping it could be removed laproscopically but that is not to be. In order to remove the mass, they need to take my entire kidney. I am honored that I have been offered so many vital organs that I could sell kidneys on ebay and pay for the surgery twice over. A good friend allows you to bitch about your BF being an asshole. A great friend offers to have a huge scar across their back for the rest of their life. Fortunately, I explained that my other kidney is fine and I probably won’t be taking them up on their offer. How do you properly thank someone for something like that though? A fruit basket doesn't quite cut it.
In an effort to further procrastinate I am going to get a third opinion. Yes, I am in denial but I was so hoping that the surgery would be an easy one and removing the entire fucker is a lot more complicated and takes a huge recovery period. The good news is I will get to blog more. The bad news is I will be bored and have nothing to say.

I am really not looking for sympathy and have been telling people who say they are “praying for me” to pick something a little more worthy to spend their G-d merits. Whatever happens I am not going to be letting a surgeon near me with a sharp object until next year. He’ll just have to pay for his kid's Zhu Zhu pets without my help.

Off to wrap. Or nap. Decisions decisions.

Friday Already?

2009-12-11T15:04:00.000-05:00

I am far to stressed out to write about my stressed outness.

I will leave you with my Friday link of the week, Peeve pile. I'll let others do the bitching for me today.

Have a great weekend kiddos.

Mama Mia

2009-12-08T23:45:00.000-05:00

I really enjoy ragging on the crazy, unique, wonderful, psychopath I call Mother.

However, tonight I have a story with Mother participating where she was actually not the cause of the anger, misunderstandings and intense bowel cramping.

Mother and my brother's wife are having a disagreement.

No, that isn't right.

They aren't communicating their pissed off attitude towards each other, rather they are sickening sweet as usual.

No, each is griping about the other to the rest of the family...

and friends, neighbors and the UPS guy.

My sister in law is accusing Mother of spoiling her step son, Mother's grandson. Now I haven't read every page of the Grandparent's Handbook but I am pretty sure spoiling of the grandkids is allowed if not mandatory.

SIL is ticked because the last time her son needed a haircut, Mother bribed him with a video game. Now my nephew is refusing to go with his step mother to get a haircut but is waiting until Grandma can take him so he can score some more loot..

I am so damn proud that he is learning the fine art of manipulation at a young age, a skill that will benefit him greatly in later life. That's my boy! But I digress...

Instead of my SIL telling the little shit to get in the G-d Damn car because they are going to Hair Cuttery, she is blaming Mother for the fact that she is too much of a wimp to parent.

It is so confusing actually taking Mother's side in a disagreement. I need to hang out with the woman for a day so she can do something fucked up and right my world.

2009-12-06T10:35:00.000-05:00

I can't stand it anymore!!!!

Everywhere I look there is someone posting about the Tiger Woods saga.

People, get a fucking LIFE!! Who the hell cares if they are having trouble? If she is getting her ass beat or beating his ass with his nine iron, why is it such a concern to you?

This "incident" occurred in my area so it is TIGER this and TIGER that 24/7 on the news. The only reason we are getting inundated with this shit is because his troubles sell commericals. If people didn't give a shit and switch off the TV, I might be able to get the actually news about great sales on Prada at the local outlet.

Priorities People!!!

2009-12-05T21:25:00.000-05:00

I hate to be a wimp, but it is freakin' COLD in Florida tonight. I know many of you are suffering with freezing temperatures but 45 degrees and rainy has me in three shirts and two pairs of socks. If I could type wearing mittens, I would have those on too.

I knew I should have bought that electric blanket when I saw it on black friday. Who would have thunk it?

I COULD turn the heat on but it would be the first time this season and it will set the smoke alarms off.

Don't ask.

SCM is lucky he is out playing because he wouldn't be getting any on this night. As a matter of fact, he may have to go back to his own room across the house as I refuse to have cold feet anywhere within three feet of me tonight.
During the princesses skating lesson today I couldn't even go into the rink area without shivering uncontrollable and the dogs are pissing all over the house because they refuse to put their paws on the cold wet grass. (Anyone know where I can get four pairs of tiny little boots?)
Yeah...we Florida residents are wimpy.
Why don't I hear the sympathy I so rightly deserve from out there in cyberland???

HUMPH.

2009-12-04T11:49:00.000-05:00

Before I link my website of the week I will offer my favorite comment from yesterday...

Anonymous said...

So you are dating a guy and fucking your "ex"husband. What a fucking little whore you are.

12/3/09 10:37 PM

Wait until next week when I share my escapades with the gentlemen I have met on the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist. There doesn't seem to be enough of sexy me to go around... Sigh.

Although I wouldn't particulary mind if Anonymous's senario were true, unfortunately, the guy I was seeing dumped my ass when I sent a text message to him that wasn't exactly meant for him. Never got around to doin' the wild thing or he probably wouldn't have been so fast to give me the boot.

Okay, he probably would but I will allow myself to continue to think highly of my expertise in that area.

Some guys are so damn picky about that being in love with someone else shit.

So to clarify, SCM and I are back together and working it out. Or trying too. We've been here before but I am nothing if not ~~feebleminded~~ optimistic.

In any case, my fun site of the week is Retail Hell Underground. During this shopping season, lets take some pity on the people that work in customer service that have to deal with our stressed out asses.

Have a great weekend.

Wow.

2009-12-03T10:59:00.000-05:00

For the last couple of weeks, I have been spending my days at work and my nights under SCM.

Well, that isn't exactly true. My nights have been under, on top, facing, not facing, upside down, standing, sitting on a chair, leaning on the bathroom counter, oh and there was this one time....

Nevermind...

Ever since the guy I am married to had his heart seize up, he really has been like a changed person. Personally, it has been quite a shock and I've been waiting for the normal John to return and explode that the world is crumbling around us and it is the fault of Hollywood ,the Arabs and the old man down the street who doesn't water his lawn enough.

Of course he is consuming hand fulls of pills for everything from cholesterol to mood stabilizers but hey, better living through chemistry looks great on him.

SCM and I have been this happy little couple to the outside world since he was released from the hospital and then it occurred to me...

Hey, if we are acting like a happy couple, why aren't I getting any?

This is BULLSHIT!

So I corrected that glitch and have been in correction mode for days now. Now I remember why I married him in the first place.

Wow.

2009-11-28T20:12:00.000-05:00

Done. Whew. Now where did I put the eggnog brandy?

2009-11-25T20:05:00.000-05:00

Why aren't I on a cruise ship in the Gulf of Mexico with a rum drink in one hand and a slot machine arm in the other?

Oh, yeah, because life sucks and then you die a slow and painful death alone.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

This year I had planned to blow off hanging with my crazy extended family on Thanksgiving and go on a cruise. Obviously from my whining, that did not happen. Due to some medical problems and insurance copays higher than Keith Richards on tour, I am broke, busted and tapped out. The only boat that I can afford is a plastic bath toy piece of shit from Wally World.

Even that I would need to put on lay-a-way.

However, shit happens and since I bailed on Thanksgiving in advance, I assumed my family would have made other plans.

And they did.

Kind of.

My sister, her partner and their daughter went to Georgia to visit friends.

My brother decided to host Thanksgiving for his family and my parents at his house.

My son was going to Fort Lauderdale for a friend's engagement party on Friday so he decided to make a long weekend of it.

So I opted to not go to my brother's house but just have a quiet Thanksgiving with just my daughter and I. Maybe go out to eat or simply cook a small bird to have leftovers.

Easy peasy.

Except not.

When my mother found out I wasn't going away, she decided that she didn't really want to go ALL THE WAY (30 minutes) to my brothers house since my father was going to have to work, so I said I would make a small bird and my daughter and I would bring dinner to her house.

Monday, my son decided that he didn't really have enough money for the extra days in a hotel so he would be joining us.

No problem, my little sad turkey breast wasn't going to be enough now so I went out and bought a ten pound turkey.

On Tuesday, a friend of mine that is battling breast cancer, said she really did not feel up to cooking so of course I invited her. I then switched the location to my house.

Tuesday night she told me that her son is going to be in town, would it be okay if she brought him. Fine I said mentally trying to determine if I needed a bigger turkey.

Today she called and said that her nephew and his wife showed up as a surprise from out of town and would I mind.....

Yup...bigger turkey.

Last but not least, my mother just called and informed me that my father has the afternoon off so he will be joining us for dinner.

I am hosting a Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow for nine people.

I am waiting for a phone call from my son saying he is bringing a date.

Whatever you do, I hope it is fun, happy and joyous.

But if it involves a cruise ship, I don't want to hear about it.

2009-11-23T16:56:00.000-05:00

I have some very important advice for you kewl kids...

If you decide to date someone with a similar name as your last partner, do not list them next to each other in your phone. Sending text messages to the wrong one can lead to some pretty intense back pedaling followed by awkward silences. Those silence can and often do lead to being shown one half of a peace sign through a car window and a mouthing of either fuck you or you're wonderful in every way.

I couldn't quite make it out.

I will say that I kinda dig dating someone that calls me out on my bullshit. It is refreshing to actually be told that I just happened to have screwed up big time and it was totally unacceptable. Even in four letter words and hand gestures.

What I can't stand is the silences and pouting that some gentleman excel at disguised as wanting to avoid conflict.

Does that actually work for anyone?

At my ripe age of..errrrrr...29, I don't know what I want in a man. Well, besides a lot of sex and a big...car. I do know what I don't want. I don't ever want to have to guess what someone else is thinking or feeling. That is the most manipulative thing a person can do. Also, a man who would rather pout than say what he thinks should take a Midol because he is already acting like a woman so he may as well bleed from the crotch like one.

Do I want to be told to go fuck myself? Well, not every day but there is something to be said for being direct about your feelings even if that does involve words you can't say in front of Nana.

Now I really need to change that damn address book because I can't take having to apologize more than once a month. My ego simply won't allow me to admit to be wrong that much.

2009-11-21T18:25:00.000-05:00

I received thirty emails today between 12pm and 2pm in regards to an ad I put on Craigslist...

Which specifically stated not to email me.

I guess these thirty are special snowflakes that couldn't imagine I could possibly mean THEM when I said no emails!

I recently purchased a new dishwasher. Due to the fact I am lazy and didn't want to deal with a bunch of emails, I decided not to attempt to sell the old one but simply list it in the FREE section of Craigslist with its description and my address to come pick the fucker up.

I couldn't believe the questions these people asked. It was like they were buying the darn thing. Actual quotes...

"Does it have any scratches because I don't want anything with scratches."

"Can you please deliver it and install it? I am a single mother and could really use it."

"If I pick it up and it doesn't work, I am bringing it back to you. I don't need other people's junk"

and my favorite...

"Do you happen to know the energy rating?"

At 2:15, I pulled the ad. My son asked if he was willing to deal with the phone calls and emails, if he could sell it and keep the money. I agreed. Just make the darn thing go away.

He sold it for 50 dollars within an hour and they just picked it up.

I do believe I live in the most fucked up community in the world.

2009-11-20T20:59:00.000-05:00

I think I had a bad day.

I say I think because after three glasses of sparkling wine on top of four percocets, I don't even remember what I did today.

Except whatever it was, it sucked.

Better living through chemistry.

But certainly not better recalling...

Anyway, I can recall enough to share that Ms Stink Ass didn't say a word about the note but I was informed that she was as rancid as usual today.

Happy happy joy joy.

So what I have been doing all week is moving people to different offices in order to accomodate one stinky old lady. Good thing my education dollar is getting good use.

I am going to pass out now. I did have a date but I didn't think I am particularly at my best tonight. You know you're better off at home when you think "if that fucking dipshit texts or calls one more time, I am going to shove the phone up his ass." Since I like him, I would probably dip it in a little olive oil first.

I am one hell of a nice person.

And go fuck yourself if you don't agree.

2009-11-18T11:32:00.001-05:00

I just put this in Ms. Smells Like Ass's inbox. I think it is pretty direct, don't you?

2009-11-18T10:03:00.000-05:00

If you could go back in time...to anytime in your life...and change one thing. What would it be and why?

I am feeling pensive today so humor me.

2009-11-16T22:45:00.000-05:00

Personal logic is a thought that seems totally indisputably correct to you but another person may think you are out of your mind for actually considering such a thing.

Such as the fact that when you take a pint of Eddys Max out of the freezer, it should be consumed in its entirety.

Or
Wearing brown shoes with a black belt is an error of epic proportion.

So when I overhead some bat shift crazy soccer mom critiquing her ex husband for pulling the kids out of school three days early to take them to Washington DC for Thanksgiving, I had a sudden urge to shove a drum stick up her tight little ass.
This bitch was HORRIFIED that her precious snot dripping, swine flu carrying, ass crusty twerps would miss drawing a misshapen tree in art class or skip the spelling test that, while witnessing that gene pool, the little dumbass would have failed anyway.
This shrew went on and on to her black root friend in the express lame (with twenty two items mind you) of how Jr's entire future is at stake and he may not be able to get into the McDonalds training program to follow the rest of the clan into the family business.

I just don't get why someone would be so up in arms over a kid missing a few days of school for a memory that will last a lifetime.

Then again, my kids didn't spend four long hard years in the third grade.

Oops

2009-11-15T11:04:00.000-05:00

I had one of those cringe moments on Friday night. As I was being taken to dinner at Wolfgang Pucks in Downtown Disney Friday night, we passed the big dome that is where Cirque du Soleil's 'La Nouba' takes place.

I have never had any desire to see that show nor any of the others. Due to the fact that there is often no censure button between brain and mouth, I said so.

Lo and behold, guess what was planned for the remainder of the evening? Yeah...oops. Try back peddling from that faux pax.

Actually the show was pretty good and we ended up inadvertently part of it which was also pretty kewl.

There is a lesson to be learned here but since I haven't learned it in my 40 plus years, it is probably too late.

Since I still owe you kids the story from Friday, I will comply for the few minutes I have before going back to Disney to take the kid and her friend to the art show taking place this weekend.

Friday afternoon, one of my doctors came into my office and shut the door.

Since he is a notorious gossip, I ~~perked up with interest~~ knew it wasn't going to be anything of great importance.

And it wasn't. But boy did it piss me off.

"I just had lunch with one of the anesthesiologists we work with and she informed me that one of our part time employees that also works for them on occasion invited their entire group and support staff to our Christmas party."

Somewhere in the neighborhood of a dozen or so people.

ONCE a year I plan a special event for the staff and their significant others. But good food, good music, and good booze tends to be very expensive.

Now I find this part time 21 year old file clerk has just increased my guest list by 25%.

Not being one to fly off the handle...

Okay, flying off the handle, I sent her a text message through her mother who works for me full time but was out sick Friday.

"Did Cindy invite Jane and her team to our Christmas party by chance?"

Five minutes go by, ten, fifteen and then all hell breaks lose. My phone starts beeping with text messages faster than I can read them.

This was the first one..

Chris, I wasn't aware that I couldn't invite extra people to the party. Since I worked there I thought I could".

Well, dumb ass, let someone else do the thinking. Someone that does it far better than you which includes most of the human race.

Before I had a chance to answer, it was followed by an apology and a request that I don't blame her mother. On and on they went until I read this....

Don't worry, I called Jane and told her I made a mistake and you said they couldn't come."

Do you know what is worse than inviting someone to a party that you aren't hosting?

UNINVITING THEM.

I just....
I can't....

I don't....

I need to fix this disaster Monday and I am sooo looking forward to it.

I don't know why I am surprised. This crotch dropping comes from the same mother that when she and her husband was invited to the CEO's black tie wedding reception at the priciest hotel in Orlando, responded that EIGHT will be attending.

I don't recall in my job description being informed that I had to teach manners to forty year olds and their kids.

They Did It AGAIN!!

2009-11-13T15:36:00.000-05:00

Long and faithful readers may remember my posting an entry around Christmas a couple of years back about tacky people inviting friends and family to our holiday party. I thought I had clearly explained what you and a guest are cordially invited actually means.

The invitations have yet to go out and I already have an issue. Sorry but I am to busy shoving the tissue back in my head from my brain exploding so you kids will have to wait for the complete story.

Perhaps I will be calm in a month or two.

This Friday's site is Vintage Ads. Check it out.

Inside Outside

2009-11-12T22:49:00.000-05:00

Why do I have two closets completely packed with clothes and can't find a g-d damn thing to wear tomorrow night?

I thought I would be so smart planning ahead so I won't be rushed after work getting ready for my sushi date. My bedroom looks like the walk in regurgitated jeans, skirts, blouses and shoes and I still keep flinging things off in exasperation.

It is probably a mood thing. I have a headache, my daughter is Miss Chatty Cathy tonight and I have yet to clean up the dinner dishes. It is hard to feel beautiful on the outside when you have ugliness battling to escape on the inside.

Anyone else ever feel this way?

I think my jeans will look much better if I have few beers. If not, I probably won't give a shit either way.

Dogs Best Friend?

2009-11-11T11:28:00.000-05:00

My dog is obsessed with me.

Not being fond of most animals, human beings included, I find this phenomenon very weird.

My little yappy dog, Maxwell, has just turned four and doesn't appear to be outgrowing his attachment. Actually, it appears to be getting worse. I already deal with the fact that he has a breathing attack most days when I get home. His excitement triggers his collapsed trachea abnormality and he will struggle for breath until he calms down.
Or passes out whichever comes first.
He follows me around the house like a..well..puppy dog and must be in the same room I am at all times. If SCM dares to try to pick him up in my presence, Maxwell will fight and snap until he lets him down to stand guard over me. He waits outside of the bathroom when I am in there and sleeps on my bed when I am alone and under it when SCM has invited himself for a visit.
In my ignorance, I thought Maxwell, along with the spare dog, just napped and played during the day when I was at the office. I have discovered this is not the case. Evidentially, the dog howls and cries all day long until I get home.

How did I find out he does this? I was left a little neighborgram taped to my door.

Hmmm. Well, we learned two things from this note. One, the dog cries and howls all day. Two, Bill can not spell. Since I can't control the latter, I figure I bet get a handle on the former.
I checked with SCM to find out if he was aware of this. After all, he is often home during the day.
"Sure, he has always done that. The minute you leave until you get home. I throw him out because it drives me crazy."
Good plan. Subject the neighbors to the torture so you don't have to deal with it.

I checked some dog message boards run by obsessive people that refer to their dogs as their "babies" and themselves as "mommy and daddy" and I was advised to get the maladjusted furry thing to a doggy shrink. But BY NO MEANS am I to drug the animal.

This morning I called the vet to make an appointment to get Maxwell on some doggy tranquilizes to chill the fuck out.
What is good for me is certainly good enough for my dog.

2009-11-10T13:25:00.000-05:00

I work in the medical field in a business capacity. Basically this means I don't have to deal with bat shit crazy patients on a regular basis.

Or any basis if it is a good day.

Occasionally I get called into the trenches to toss someone for being nasty to the staff or call 911 for a junky that thought my office would provide them with their abused prescription drug of choice.

Mostly though I crunch numbers and yell at my staff.

Yesterday was one of those days I wish I had gone to work in a safe boring accountanting firm.

The day started when I walked through a full waiting room having my usual sing songy good mornings greeted with an uncomfortable silence usually reserved for people that have been waiting a while and are losing patience.

Now I know that a medical facility isn't people's favorite place to visit on a Monday morning but the vibe was really off. My bad feeling intensified when I saw a couple of police officers milling around the place talking to the staff.

I grabbed the first employee I passed to inquire what the fuck was going on.

"We had an incident".

Ahhh, an incident. I see.

No I didn't.

"Could you be more specific?"

My office opens at 6:30 each morning to perform procedures. Generally all patients are either in recovery or discharged by the time I get in around 8:30. It was clear due to the twenty five or thirty people in the waiting room that it wasn't working that way today. Apparently a mother of an adult patient wanted to observe her son's procedure. No one noticed her following behind the nurse pushing the wheelchair until she entered the sterile environment with street clothes and sneakers.

(Yes, my staff is super observant.)

Everything could have been quickly rectified if the Mom had followed the nurse out like she was instructed to do.

Nope. Wasn't going to happen. She wasn't going anywhere. She wouldn't allow anyone in or out either.

One of the physician assistants attempted to open the door and was told..

"You aren't going anywhere tubby"

(Yes, I did burst out laughing at this part of the story. Bad Chris.)

So, as I was in Starbucks having a yummy mocha frappuccino, my staff was being held hostage by a crazy person.

One of the techs pulled out his cell phone and dialed 911. Fortunately, before the police could arrive the son talked Mom down and they both ended up leaving the premises. I spent the rest of the morning with the police filling out forms to press charges.

The patient called back later that afternoon to see if he could reschedule. I gladly referred him to the competition.

.

What A Long Strange Trip Its Been...

2009-11-09T10:30:00.000-05:00

I attended a birthday dinner last night for someone who is right around my age. She was telling me how much she is looking forward to 50 in a few years and how liberating it will be.

What. The. Fuck?

To me, that is like looking forward to the root canal because you really dig the Nitrous oxide.

No. Just No.

Men can look forward to 50. They can look forward to that distinguished look of gray around the temples and experience lines around their eyes. They get to feel relieved that the kids are gone and they can now spend their money on green fees and sports cars that they look ridiculous driving.

But women? Women can only look forward to more trips to the salon the cover the gray, painful botox injections and buying shoe inserts to go in the pumps that make our legs look great but irritate that fucking bunion that just appeared one day.

Yes, my friend does have the right attitude. She is secure in her relationship, secure in her head and ready for the next adventure in life.

Me? I have yet to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. The thought of finding peace where my head is at now is like being happy that I got half way through a 10,000 piece jigsaw puzzle and giving up and putting the pieces back in the box.

NO! I say. NO! I am going to finish that freakin' thing even if it is all black pieces and I am going to glue it together and put it on the wall of the old folks home.

But for now, I am going to continue to sort out the straight pieces so I can at least finish the outside.

Have a nice week kewl kids.

2009-11-06T10:18:00.000-05:00

In my mind's eye, I should have been through with all my current office bullshit and should be dealing with another office's bullshit by now. After all these years I am still smacking around the same people, listening to the same grumbles and have the same few brown nosers kissing my ass.

I know this is turning into a work blog and that wasn't my intention. Like Seinfield reruns, this blog is supposed to be about nothing. However, I do need to vent and what better a place than at the kewl kid's table with a captive audience?

Ms. BB has been back one week and I noticed I wasn't getting the amount of output from the gal I hired to take over her job. When I inquired, it appeared that Ms. BB decided that since SHE wasn't able to work that hard having someone else do it made her look bad. So she divided the work among three people.

Yes, it is true. The woman that I have gone through so much trouble to keep due to her work ethic was instructed to slow down so others have more work. Of course when I asked Ms. BB what she was thinking I got the same deer in the headlights look that I have been receiving since 1998. She doesn't even attempt to make excuses but looks at me with a stupid expression that says.."snagged"...and she waits for me to tell her what she already knows. What actually should be happening.

In the meantime, I laid in bed last night trying to come up with a solution to Ms. BB and her intense odor problem. (Instead of being laid in bed which would have been a lot more fun.) I think I managed to work it out that she would have an office to herself which is really quite annoying. Forget to bathe and you get your own private office. I wonder if I'd have to make her a VP if she stops wearing her dentures?

She did tell me this happy news this morning.

"Chris, I am here to stay. I am not going to be able to retire until I am dead."

Don't tempt me.

One Simply Can't Make This Shit Up.

2009-11-05T13:13:00.000-05:00

No sooner do I finally think I've got everyone settled into their new offices without blood shed, I hear a tentative knock on my door.
Before I have time to hide under my desk, one of the secretaries came in and asked to talk.
This particular employee was only affected by the changes in that she was given a new office mate. Unfortunately, it was Ms. BB of stinky bowel movement fame. Unbeknownst to me, I was informed she also has other hygiene problems. To put it the same way as my visitor...

"She smells like ass."
So now I either need to move this doodie stinkin', ass smelling, dandruff flaking, BO environment polluting old bag somewhere alone or I need to figure out how to tell a woman 35 years my senior, that soap and water are our friends.

Aren't you kids glad you aren't me?

2009-11-04T14:26:00.000-05:00

Welcome to another Wednesday addition of Fun Site Friday! This week I have two of them for you to check out...

The first is a site, Etiquette Hell, is dedicated to point out the bad manners that exist all around us. There are some really great stories but be forewarned, you may get addicted to them and there are hundreds and hundreds to read. There is also a link to the blog on the main site if you didn't get your fix of white trash weddings and red neck baby showers.

The second and one of my favorites is the Things I Learned From My Patients message board. It was started in 2003 to recount outrageous stories of emergency room situations and has been added to ever since. Another site to kill a bunch of time if you're say....at work or doing something equally unimportant.

Have a fun day and remember, please pass on your favs in the comments. I am at work too.

Decisions...Decisions...

2009-11-03T15:27:00.000-05:00

I have discovered it is extremely difficult to run a small company and still manage to stalk an ex boyfriend effectively. I know we all have to prioritize in this busy no nonsense world, but what does one do when one’s tasks seem equally important?

Sigh.

I could be a responsible and efficient business woman making proactive decisions regarding the future of an extreme lucrative healthcare business

Or

I could work on not being spotted while following his vehicle, cleverly swiping and returning his mail to check for love letters and dressing for success in outfits of green with brown prints to blend in with the shrubbery around his house.

Why is life so full of hard choices?

2009-11-02T09:59:00.000-05:00

Mental note...

When your ten year old daughter tells you that you have a small uneven section on the back of your hair, do not hand her the scissor and tell her to snip it off.

BIG MISTAKE.

As I frantically beg to be worked in for a hair appointment this afternoon, I will update you kids on my solution to the office political bullshit from hell. As some of you may remember from this post..(go check, I'll wait), I wasn't quite sure how to work out a system to keep everyone employed and still do what is good for the company. After changing job descriptions of six employees, I was able to juggle the staff so that everyone still has a job. Of course no one is thrilled. They don't realize that for a few of them it was change jobs or be let go. I can tolerate some grumbling but I did have to come down on one gal Friday and inform her that if she doesn't like it, she can leave.

She did show up this morning and so far as kept her pie hole shut.
The hardest part of the entire thing was meeting individually with these people to discuss the changes. Some people did end up losing hours and that is a hard thing to have to deal with. However, times are tough and I refuse to behave like a big nameless corporation that puts profit over people. Cut and slash would have been the most cost efficient but I do need to sleep at night and would rather not sleep with one eye opened.

Have a great week kiddos.

52 days until Christmas.

I'll put up my wish list soon to give you all plenty of time to shop.

No. It Is Still Sunday

2009-11-01T15:24:00.000-05:00

In case you kids thought half nekkid Thursday came early this week...
This is a story that requires a visual.
Yesterday morning I took the brat to her skating lesson like I do every Saturday (and Monday, and Wednesday but that is my own tale of woe...). I usually run to the store during her lessons and come back just in time to pick her up. Yesterday I just had a quick errand so I was back with still almost a hour left to the Princess's lesson.

Being the last day of the month, I had to go to the desk and pay for next month's lessons so I proceeded to do so. As I was paying the owner, I noticed him looking very interested at my blouse. I followed his gaze and OH SHIT! I was totally unbuttoned with my lace bra visual to all. I quickly did myself up, laughed a little embarrassed laugh and handed over the money for the lessons.

I have seen this owner every time I have come in for six months now. He is in his late thirties, early forties, basic looking dude. Not once has he said a word to me. Never other than a brisk thank you when I forked over my dough.

I walked back into the chill of the skating arena and I noticed someone trailing me. I stood at the wall and peered through the fogged up plastic barrier looking for Anna and her coach. I glanced over and the owner is standing besides me attempting to make small talk inquiring as to what was on the ipod I was listening too and explaining his taste in music and what bands he has seen.

Apparently..boobies make perfect strangers into good friends.

I answered his questions politely with a blow off air and after a few more tries of starting up another subject, he turned and left.

It is kind of creepy knowing a stranger was spankin' the ole monkey to my lace undergarments last night.

Creepy yet strangely flattering.

2009-10-31T15:38:00.000-04:00

Happy Halloween!

SCM didn’t take the picture of the final product so alas, I won’t be posting any. I take full responsibility since I blew off his work party which was where the pumpkin carving contest was taking place. Coincidentally, the general manager’s son won first prize. Hmmm. Lol

Hey, it is all about the kids anyway.

Speaking of which, I am taking Anna and her friends to an event at the ice skating rink tonight. For a Flroida kid, she spends half her time on the ice. Her coach is very impressed with her but unfortunately I didn’t start her early enough to be an Olympic contender in the future. Can you imagine at ten being too OLD for something? Cracks me up. However, you never know. If she continues to work hard and enjoy it, something may come of it in her future.

I have finally resolved my health issues. Some minor surgery and poof, no more problems. The testing and the worry seems much worse than the actual “cure”.

Have a fun night guys and to M.S.R. HAPPY BIRTHDAY and many more.

I Can't Even Draw A Decent Stick Figure

2009-10-29T07:31:00.000-04:00

SCM is entering a pumpkin carving contest at work. He hasn't quite finished it...he still needs to decorate with webs and accessories but I am so impressed. I will post the finished product and the other entries this weekend. I know some people really go all out with these things.

Happy Halloween Kids.

Ever Have A Week Like This?

2009-10-27T12:44:00.000-04:00

Yeah? Me too.

2009-10-22T10:15:00.000-04:00

So sorry I haven't been a good blogger lately. My reality seems to be infringing on my writing time and that simply will not do!

As many of you know, I run a small company with about 25 people working under me. That can definitely have its challenges and the past two weeks have piled on more bullshit than I have dealt with all year.

First of all, the ~~secretary~~ administrative assistant fell and broke her arm in three places. You can imagine that injury causes her major duty of typing to be quite the bitch. She has been out for about a month now after some surgery to realign everything with bandaids and crazy glue or whatever it is they use. In the meantime, I replaced her with a temp that I found through an ad on Craigslist.

This temp ROCKS. The position's productivity has increased almost 50% and this is from someone that is still training. However, the major benefit is that she doesn't feel the need to stink up the employee bathroom twice a day like Ms. Broken Bone.

I am only half kidding. I think Ms BB eats road kill covered in shit sauce three times a day. The damage she does to an entire side of the building is that bad.

But I digress.

Ms. BB has been an employee for over ten years. Even though I am a hard ass, I do have some loyality and throwing someone out on their ass ~~because their twice daily dump stinks up the place~~, because they are slowing down in their old age, doesn't seem like the right thing to do.

However, I do want to keep this temp.

The new woman does annoys the shit out of me with her yammering, but I can deal with a little annoying as long as I keep getting the work out of her.

Besides, once she is perm, I'll just tell her to shut up and get the hell out of my office like I eventually do to everyone that works there.

Ms. Temp definitely wants the job and asks me every other day if I know what Ms BB's status is on coming back to work. Well, as of tonight, her status seems to be she is coming back in another two weeks.

So I need to put on my manager cap and figure out how to ~~increase the budget to load up on the lysol,~~ keep the temp while still finding a position for Ms. BB.

Sigh. I need a vacation.

Kewl Sites for the Kewl Kids

2009-10-16T14:58:00.000-04:00

Sappy Site Friday..

Like Post Secret but not. Untold Secrets.

Broken hearted people lament. Dear Old Love.

Have a great weekend folks.

Not Growing Old Gracefully.

2009-10-15T18:36:00.000-04:00

Okay, who the fuck took my youth when I wasn't looking? There must be someone to whom I can report this offense. And I intend to prosecute to the full extend of the law G-d Damn It!

It isn't that I feel I am looking particularly ragged lately. As a matter of fact, I have a new hair style that I like and I've lost weight thanks to Dr. Todd's dating regime which included rabbit food and intense exercise. (and he wonders why it didn't work out between us. BAHAHA)

It is the NUMBER that freaks me out. I won't write it here but take my word for it, it is well on its way to being an old bag number. It occurs to me that I am at the age my mother was when she became a grandmother. A GRANDMOTHER??? Kill me now. Even though I can not compete with those hot little numbers that hang out at the bars trolling for sugar daddies, I certainly am in no way ready to be any one's Nana. Fuck that.

I was bored recently and checked out my old high school graduating class on face book. I "friended" several to find out how they were doing. Let me tell you folks, these people that have been in my memory up until now as eighteen year old kids, aren't anymore. They look sooo OLD! I mean of course I am saying how MARVELOUS everyone looks but I am lying.

The scary part is they are saying the same thing to me.

Somebody hold me.

Some Great Sites To Check Out

2009-10-13T12:35:00.000-04:00

Razor pointed out that I haven't handled my Friday funny websites for the past two weeks. The problem is if I get too busy to post on Friday, I screw up the flow man.

However, in the interest of interest.. Here are two more of my favs.

Found. A collection of notes and pictures found in various places around the globe. I have two of the books and really enjoy thinking about the people and situations that created these gems.

Passive Aggressive Notes. The name speaks for itself. Some are more aggressive than passive but all are funny.

I also just received a phone call about a job in Manhattan. I apparently did well on the phone interview and they want to meet me in person. I can't believe after being on the other side of the interview process for years that I actually have butterflies.

New York has always been my first choice for a job but they are few and far between especially in this economy. Send good juju my way folks.

I Think a Monday MeMe Is In Order

2009-10-12T13:34:00.000-04:00

And I tag all of you kids. Cut and paste the questions onto your blog and let me know if you played.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

He didn't realize his existence has no meaning in the universe.

What was your last thought?

When will my computer be done so I can leave work?

Are you a cat or a dog person?

Definite dog person. Cats are evil.

Define yourself in 3 words...

Bored Bored Bored.

Kill the spider or let it out?

Smash it with a hammer and hang it as a threat to others who want to come in.

Do you shower every single day?

At least once.

Walking past a beggar, spare change or ignore?

A few bucks

Where do you want to travel next?

London

What is your favorite food?

My Mom's Veal Parm.

Do you read harry potter books?

Yup...read them all.

What is your favorite place?

Ireland

If you could have one super human power what would you choose?

Mind reading

Have you had a beer in the last week?

Yes.

Vitamin Water or Gatorade?

Neither. Plain Water

What is your favorite song of all time?

Into The Mystic. VM

When and where was the best picture of you taken?

Seatle Washington 1997.

Why?

2009-10-12T10:00:00.000-04:00

Self expression? Yeah, I get it but why would you subject your neighbors to this nightmare every day? The article claims there is no law against it and since there is no home owner association, the neighborhood is powerless to do a thing about it.

If someone lives on acres of land, I don't care if they paint their house green with peach polka dots. However, when you are part of a neighborhood, everything you do can effect property values of your neighbors.

Why would a person move into a neighborhood and proceed to alienate the entire block immediately?

You're a dick, we get it. Now repaint your house.

2009-10-06T14:57:00.000-04:00

I have been informed I have some medical issues.

Now most people pretty much know they have something wrong with them before actually having their health care provided calling them out of the blue but I can't seem to do anything the normal way. I do not feel sick, I have no symptoms and yet...

...while having some random testing someone, somewhere gazing at a light box across town saw some weird something on an x-ray that didn't seem to belong there.

Two weeks and several hundred dollars worth of co pays poorer, I am still doing the testing/specialist hustle.

Although I work in the health care industry in a limited capacity, I usually don't get down and dirty with those annoying people we call patients. I don't normally deal with their annoying little problems and their annoying little whines and gripes.

That is not my area.

My area is making sure the business aspect of health care runs smoothly and the plastic surgeons get to keep their trophy wives, their annual trips to Greece and their Maserati.

I have to tell ya, I am not loving the other side of the exam table.

I have been CT Scanned, PET Scanned and bed panned. I've been injected, objected and subjected. I've been stabbed, labbed and scabbed.

And still one doctor sends me to another and so on and so on...

All advising..more tests more tests!

I get it docs, it is something that doesn't belong in my body so take it the fuck out!

Feeling fine has never been so exhausting.

Obviously I am busy at work today. :-)

2009-10-05T15:34:00.000-04:00

You paid attention during 95% of high school!

85-100% You must be an autodidact, because American high schools don't get scores that high! Good show, old chap!

Do you deserve your high school diploma?
Take More Quizzes

I can't figure out which one I got wrong. How did you do?